Day 81

Thurs May 12th

if you are reading this.

please pray for me.

that my spirit will be strengthened.

That i may have patience and peace.

full healing.

and that I trust in the Lord's promises for me.

I must admit. last night i thought i was at peace.

but then my familia sisters told me something

and then just the slightest worry came to mind

next thing i know i was breaking down again.

pain to the point of death.

man sometimes i just wish for a moment i could switch off the korean button.

koreans are so overdramatic.

i wanna be mad gangsta like the russians.

change my name to Rasputin!

Though it pained me to the point of death

I submitted.

Though I wept until I lost my breath

I trusted.

I'm learning so much what it means to trust my Father.

i'm like a baby again. and without Him i can’t even breathe.

i'm constantly looking to Him for comfort and strength.

Last night there was a point where i literally wanted to just give up.

I felt so helpless, so weak.

I was crying so hard i couldn't breathe so i desperately clinged onto my bible for strength and in it was something i wrote before my talk with Tina.

Before I knew of the pain to come. for some reason during poli class that morning i wrote this.

I called it my modern day Psalms.

Oh my poor daughter

How my heart goes out to you

How I long to wipe away those tears

Why do you continue to live in poverty

When you are a Princess

My God, my god

I bring these troubles on myself

Why do I still feel the chains on my wrists

When you have already set me free

Oh my Lord, in you I trust

You are my strength,

my shield, my comfort

Bring me full healing and peace

My child look at me

And recognize my love

In my eyes you are pure

For I look at the heart

And your heart is pleasing to me

I will refine it seven times

And make it pure as gold

I will clothe you in a beautiful,

white wedding dress

For you are my bride

In my Lord I trust

and give all thanks

I am filled with joy

And peace will be with me

for all the days to come.

I just sat there and read it over and over again.

Until I felt my spirit be strengthened

and all was calm.

fell asleep like a baby.

Woke up this morning feeling mad gangster.

I even wrote G on my hand to remind me.

pretty cool how much strength was in me.

For the rest of the day i was pretty decent.

There were times when my emotions would almost breakdown but then my spirit held fast. 

I'm learning so much how to rely on God.

and have my flesh and soul under the authority of my spirit.

at night i went to taco bell with the group

mostly to clear my head and do some social eating.

follow me guys i know where it is.

chad was like i would not trust rebekah's directions to anywhere

except taco bell.

afterwards our group split up and it was just me, chad, chris, cheeia, and sarah.

man the original group from the beginning of this trip.

we went to a chill drink place, played games, and then nrb.

it was some fun fun times.

before we drank we had to say oppa in a funny/disgusting voice.

i ended up saying oppa alot and drinking alot of water...

never get sick of water. or bread.

you never hear anyone be like i hate water and i hate bread.

wink wink*

then while we were playing games. a star fell from the sky.

literally the star sign hanging on the ceiling fell and hit me on the face.

nice....i'll take it as a good sign..

even though i was having alot of fun with them.

there were times when i needed to leave the room.

cause i felt so overwhelmed with thoughts

was walking around outside, talking to God

and He reminded me something i told to a friend before.

No one forced me to make this choice. It was my decision.

And i just had to remember why i wanted it.

To keep reminding myself the reason.

the reason i would endure all this.

I remembered my talks with two of my friends today

telling them my situation.

and the more i defended my spiritual leader and my Father

the more sure i felt that this was what i had to do.

I remembered the time Chris taught me how to make an origami rose.

And i suck at origami cause i have no patience for it at all whatsoever.

and i tried so many times before by myself but gave up.

but one day i really wanted to make one.

And so i tried but it got so confusing. I really did not know what to do with that stupid paper.

and i was so frustrated i wanted to scream. i actually did a little. and just wanted to crumble it up into a tiny ball and throw it away.

but then Chris helped me through it. and folded the hard parts for me. and i watched and then i tried to do it. and messed up and then Chris would have to show me again.

Finally after a very long time. I had a beautiful rose in front of me.

And i was so so happy.

so happy i endured through it all.

there were times when i tried to do this on my own and failed.

but now i have my Father to guide me. to help me.

to show me the way when i am so confused and frustrated.

to encourage me when i just want to give up.

And in the end i will be so filled with joy.

Because i endured it all.

and I will see the fruits of my labor.

not only for myself. but also for those i love.

Only the patient know Love.