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Unconditional Love

Some dream of being rich
Some dream of getting hitched

Some dream of peace
Some dream their pain would ease

Some dream of living
Some dream of escaping reality

Some dream of being seen
Some dream of getting keen

Some dream of having a child
Some dream of adventuring into the wild

Some dream of going to the moon
Some dream that their dreams would come true soon

What is my dream?
For awhile it seemed as though I did not have a dream
Then one day it dawned on me.
My dream is to be loved and to love

Unconditionally.

The Power of Believing

So every Tuesdays here at Rosemead we have Chapel. and today was a memorial chapel service for a faculty member who had recently passed away after battling cancer for 15 years.

To be honest I didn't think that I would get emotional because I didn't know her at all. But as people shared their memories about her and how she impacted their lives. I was so moved and tears just started to come out of my eyeballs....

she must have had a great character to be impacting the lives of people she hasn't even met...

the one thing that everyone mentioned was that when they were around this woman they felt so valued and special. that she believed in them. She saw the potential and good in them even when couldn't. not only that it wasn't faked but her warmth was genuine

it hurt my heart so much because at times I am so icy cold. I call myself the ice queen or joke around about how I have no heart. or how I'm such a jerk or insensitive. Queen of distancing. I like to make fun of people instead of encouraging them. I'm horrible at first impressions. and I look angry or bored most of the time (apparently I have severe downward curved lips, and there are plastic surgeries in Korea to fix that)

sometimes I try keep my mouth in "smile mode" but it hurts my chubby cheeks...
when I see people who are so warm, I want to have that warmth.

but I'm sure that if I had met this woman. she would have thought quite the opposite of me. she would have seen the potential for warmth in me.

sometimes all we need is for someone to believe in us.

two people I like in the bible is Abraham and Peter. and what I like about them is that God and Jesus changes their names. Abram--> Abraham (Father of a multitude) and Simon ---> Cephas/Peter (rock)

God believed in Abraham and brought forth his identity even before Abraham had his first son! even though Abraham messed up and instead of waiting for that promised child, he had Ishmael, and deceived Pharaoh and Abimalech (I probably spelled that wrong) about Sarah being his wife and disobeyed God by bring Lot along with him. God still fulfilled his promise in Abraham. And Abraham ended up sacrificing his son to God in faith! the guy who was unsure about God giving him a son and God protecting him, later on does something so bold. And because of that all the nations are blessed through him. And he really does become the father of many! And Abraham is credited as righteous through his faith.

Jesus believed in Peter before he even started his discipleship with him. Peter the one who was so rash and had so little faith. Peter who claimed that he would die for Jesus, and then betrayed him three times. But before all that even happened, Jesus spoke life and truth into him. He proclaimed that Peter's true identity -that he is rock. He is a stable leader that will build the foundations of the church.

there have been times in my life in which I questioned whether I was even worthy of serving or being a leader. worthy of doing anything for the kingdom. worthy of even being a child of God. but during those times God put people in my life who believed in me and wouldn't let me give up.

God gave me second chances and forgave me. He believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself.
And throughout my life I realized that I also need to keep believing in Him. that He will finish the work He began in me. I guess it's funny one of the main things that Jesus tells us to do is to BELIEVE in him.
why is it that we act like we got to do this all on our own...

maybe I wasn't able to make others feel valued because I didn't feel valued....
oooooh getting all psychological....we'll save that for later....

but anyways I think that when people believe in you, you begin to change naturally...
I know that God believes in me and I need to spend time reflecting on my true identity again.
the person God intended me to be.
I know that there is a Rebekah who is warm and friendly. Who will also speak life and truth in others and believe in them.

Sometimes you have to draw it out...


California

sooooooo update from Cali

to be honest I had mixed feelings about moving here. 18 year old Rebekah would have been like "that's my dream!!!" but ahahahaha I guess now I feel "old" and I'm at the point where moving to another state and starting a new life is not really exciting. I rather just chill in my comfortable home and have my mom feed me and hang out with the friends who know the "real" me etc...

the first two weeks? (I can't even keep track of time anymore) have been interesting...
I felt like I was here physically but not mentally/emotionally if that makes sense. I think the first week I was like who am I...am I dreaming....what is life.....lol

at some points it was like wow. it's really just me and God. I have truly left everything behind. and it's not like study abroad in Korea where I'm like away from home, wooooooo partayyyy, everything is so fun!
this is I'm away from home and this is real life. and I got a monster schedule waking up at 6:50am to get ready and go to class. and readings and papers due already...

ahahaha turns out also that I am not diligent in gradschool either....
our professors explained that most gradschool students are neurotic. I guess I am an exception...

this is random. but sometimes I feel like an earthquake is going to hit out of nowhere. actually kind of excited for my first earthquake here. but anyways or something else is going to happen. like I'll drop out of the program and give up. or I'll get kidnapped while walking around my neighborhood (the sunset/evening weather is really nice btw)

but whenever I think those neg thoughts. I remind myself that God did not bring me all the way out here to harm me but to prosper me. I'm going to be challenged, it's going to be painful at times. but I'm going to grow. and learn. and thrive. this education is not only for me but for people I have yet to meet.

there are really good things as well. I actually love my professors here. I love how freely we can talk about God and spiritual things in class. they even pray for us! it's like everything makes sense. and they know how to teach. and one time I was sitting in class and I was like this is fun! wow I have never used the adj "fun" to describe a class...

also as I was walking around campus I realized that Biola's mascot is an eagle! and so was Yonsei's. my favorite bird (besides chicken only because that's my fav animal to eat) but yeah the eagle represents alot of things for me...I take it as a good sign.

I'm thankful to have gotten into this program cause alot of people I saw at the interview did not seem to have made it into the program...and this program seems like it'll really equip me to become the best psychologist...

speaking of becoming a psychologist. apparently I test on undergrads this semester and get my first client next semester! ahahahaha....can't believe they trust us....this is real life...

I don't know if I'll ever be ready to become a "professional" but I guess I have matured in a lot of ways even since I made this blog. sometimes I read my old entries and I'm like I kinda miss that young, ridiculous girl...she was fun. and now I'm like blahhhh. but I guess I'll learn how to balance fun and professionalism. even though I'll always be secretly weird and silly.

I noticed I say "I guess" alot. and in life "I guess" you're never really certain about alot of things. especially in the field of psychology....

we'll see what happens....
mood: somewhat excited. aka something that I probably won't expect will happen. oh life.

aha first week of school I got lost and jumped this wall. ended up scraping my stomach and arms. rough day....

my roomies

my "apartment" complex 

so beautiful view walking around


my cohort

my roomies and I eating chicken then bingsoo! 

my bomb diggity apartment



Summer Camp 2013

Start with the "fun" moments from camp

-The time the door got jammed and Miravan cried cause she thought we would be stuck in the classroom forever.

-Name a country in South America!
Chipotle!!

-When Jeremiah made me memorize the birthdays of his entire family, including his extended family members.

-When I accidentally ate Miravan’s fruit snacks and she cried.
Where are my fruit snacks?
Ummm….I’m sorry Miravan they’re gone…
What?? Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What happened to them?
Uhhh….don’t worry about it.

-When the kids discovered that I squeal when they poke my stomach fat…


-Yuri: you look like Belle
Me: From Beauty and the Beast?
Yuri: yeah cause you have big eyes like Belle
Me: oooh thank you ^_^ is that why you want me to wear heavy dark makeup on my eyes…
Yuri: yeah cause Belle is sooooo ugly

Me: -_____-;;

---

To be honest I didn't really want to do summer camp at first. My dad just suggested it because I needed another job over the summer. However, I got like 10 more students? at the tutoring job that I worked at and suddenly my schedule was packed. For the month of July I would be leaving for camp at 7:45am and coming home some nights from tutoring at 10:00pm. 

So ofcourse I was like safjslakfjalkfjwalkj!! what did I get myself into!! but God really answered my prayers that everything would work out. it took alot of faith cause literally the first week of camp, I got the stomach flu again and thought I was going to die. but during those moments I trusted God and gave thanks (I have learned to do the opposite of what the Israelites did in the wilderness) 

the next three weeks flew by and I was having so much fun. not only that. I only had 2 kids in my classroom! when I was supposed to have like 6. and my 2 kids were angels. we were in our class listening to classical music and reading books while the kids in the other class next door were screaming. and I was supposed to teach an art class but Karina took over. oh thank you Lord. He knows I would have died otherwise. 

To my surprise, summer camp also changed my mentality towards kids. Growing up I really liked working with kids and I couldn't wait to have kids. then recently I was like ummmmmmm maybe not. ehh kids are not that great and they are so much work and responsibility. and kinda annoying. and so on....

but after hanging out with the kids from summer camp. i realized that I sort of missed them. and my 1st graders were melting away the walls around my heart towards children. realistically kids are alot of work. but they're also worth it. something about them....ahaha I feel like Gru from Despicable Me. 

Just want to end with a story from the last day of camp.
sometimes I do this thing with kids where I imagine what they'll be like when they grow up. and some of the kids i'm like uhhhhh I hope they turn out okay. so on the last day I wanted to bless my students. I took Jeremiah and Miravan aside separately and prayed for each of them. 

Jeremiah in the bible is considered to be the weeping prophet. so I prayed that he would always be filled with joy. he also is so much smarter than the other kids (he's four and he know's how to solve square roots) so I prayed that he would have mercy on others and not look down upon them. and etc...

Afterwards Jeremiah gave me a big smile and he was quite nice to me...he even shared his Doritos with me later. which is a big deal for him. 

Then I prayed for Miravan. background story: the first day of camp Miravan tells me that her dad died. pretty intense. but this girl is always smiling and is so sweet. so I prayed that she would be the sunshine of this world and she would melt even the coldest hearts. that she would have compassion on others and bring healing to them. and after I prayed for her I opened my eyes and saw that she had tears in her eyes? I didn't want to embarrass her so I didn't say anything. but then later she told me that while I was praying for her, she cried tears of joy. 

I was like what the heck.. I really didn't even expect the kids to understand haha cause they did not seem to pay attention at all during bible study. but it's amazing how God can touch their hearts at such a young age. 

God never ceases to amaze me. 









Two Year Update


                                                            EMMAUS Banquet Testimony
                                                                   Video Credit: Cheeia


Wow can't believe it's already been over two years since I shared my testimony at the EMMAUS Banquet.

Today in service we sang the song In Your Freedom. As I was singing this song a wave of emotions hit me cause I listened to this song a bajillion times while I was in Korea.

I realized that everything from Korea has already faded away. the friends I made, the food I ate, the church that I attended.

everything except God.

ALOT of things have changed in these two years. I've lost of lot of friends, made many new ones. My relationship with my family has gotten alot better. I'd like to think I got less sluggish. hehe. I wake up at 7am now! who am I...

In Korea I changed my major to Psychology and joked around about going to grad school in California.
Now it's a reality as I still can't believe I'm getting my doctorate in Clinical Psyc and moving to Orange County in less than a month.

-I read in an article that the real world is harsh so we should just stay in school forever. change majors. hide in the bushes if you have to. the author wrote-

True story. I'm in the class of 2018 o.O not counting the year or two I'll spend working on my dissertation. ackkkk I don't even know what a dissertation is....

but anyways. moving to California means I am literally leaving everyone and everything I know here and starting new. which I could see as a good thing. but all this change has been making my brain hurt. I realized that it is difficult to have a stable friendship/relationship with anyone and to be honest it made me kind of sad.

as I was listening to this song though during worship, I felt very comforted knowing that even though all these changes God remains the same.

wherever I go. whoever I am. His love and faithfulness endures.

I search for You God of strength 
I bow to You in my brokenness 
And no other King could have so humbly come 
To save my soul and heal my heart 
I have nothing more than all You offer me 
There is nothing else that's of worth to me 
And I love You Lord 
You rescued me 
You are all that I want 
You're all that I need 
I pray to You God of peace 
I rest in You my cares released 
I have nothing more than all You offer me 
There is nothing else that's of worth to me 
And I love You Lord 
You rescued me 
You are all that I want 
You're all that I need 
In Your freedom I will live 
In Your freedom I will live 
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

Necessary cute stuff

tutoring with my third grade student

John: why do girls like cutesy stuff
Me: You're the one who likes eggs because they're cute
John: yeah but I eat them, boys only like necessary cute stuff.

Not hungry.

Come home from work 9pm

Mom: did you eat dinner?
Me: yeah I already ate
Mom: want me to make you steak?
Me: nah I'm not hungry, I'm just gunna eat watermelon
Mom: you sure? Just eat half of one
Me: okay...

She makes me a whole steak
Me: I'm only going to eat half
Mom: okay Dad can eat the rest

nomnomnom. this is dericious!

15min later...
Aww man I ate it all...

my mom is cracking up

Me: what's so funny?
Mom: you said you weren't even hungry but you ate a whole steak

-___- this is why I'm not losing any weight...

Time

It hurts that you can’t go back
It heals

It’s beyond our understanding
It’s real

It means everything and nothing at all
What if I knew it all
What if I could see, would I look?
If I could go back
Would I live it again.

Why do we care
If eventually it’ll be gone

And to know that God is above it all
How different the world must be to Him
And to imagine that one day we too
will soar above
.

I'm the man

[John, my third grade student, crumples up his worksheet and dramatically throws it in the trash]

Me: John! why'd you do that?!
John: Because I'm THE MAN.


My Do's and Don'ts

Don'ts

Rule #1 dont ever feel sorry for yourself
Rule #2 dont complain
Rule #3 dont allow your heart to become bitter from the painful moments in life
Rule #4 dont ever stop praying
Rule #5 dont ever stop believing in Jesus Christ
Rule #6 dont stop worshipping no matter the circumstance
Rule #7 dont seek revenge or hold onto grudges


Do's

Rule#1 do be thankful always
Rule #2 do forgive
Rule #3 do trust in God more
Rule #4 do share your faith when you have the opportunity
Rule #5 do pray because those who hope in the LORD will never be disappointed
Rule #6 do prioritize what's important
Rule #7 do find the balance in everything

Boyfriend

[Tutoring with my 7th grade student]

Student: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: No haha... why do I look like I would have one?
Student. No.

How deep is the Father's love for us.

This is a true story. it happened two years ago around the beginning of September 2011. I've told this story to some people but I've been waiting for the right time to write it. I guess that time is now.

It was a Friday and I had been crying the whole day. At the time I didn't know what was wrong with me. I had just finished tutoring. To my student it seemed as though everything was okay, but as I was driving back, I broke down. something was eating me up because I knew I was straying away again. I had just started to live a life transformed by the Holy Spirit, and now I was grieving Him.

The coaches for our college ministry were all doing Daniel's Fast, so I went to the H-Mart off of 40 to get some grainy food. I parked my car in the spots facing Wal-Mart and just kept crying. But I knew that in those difficult moments, I should praise God. just like in Acts 16 when Paul and Silas were beaten down and thrown into prison. they still praised God.

So I turned off my engine. Placed my keys in my lap. Took out my phone and found the lyrics to How Deep the Father's Love for Us. and I sang through the tears. then I prayed for God to send me an angel. and got out the car to grocery shop.

I had no idea how to cook healthy, so I just got a whole bunch of peanuts and organic canned beans. on the way back to my car one of the grocery bags rips and all my cans roll out. CRAP. I chase the cans around the parking lot.

Finally I collect everything and hobble over to my car. look for my keys in my purse. OMG. where are my keys? I look through my car window. and I see my keys. on my seat. all doors locked of course. in panic I try to see if I left any windows cracked open. of course I didn't.

WHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

This cannot be happening to me. not today. My dad's at work and this is the third time I've locked myself out. he is not going to happy. I call him. get a lecture. he tells me that he has to go home, get the spare and come to H-Mart. it'll take about an hour and 10min.

I'm in like zombie mode now. I just don't care about anything anymore. I ask God how could this have happened? I pray for mercy. and now on top of everything, I'm locked out of my car.

With no real food to eat. friggin Daniel's Fast. how did he do it?
I sit on the curb like a homeless person and eat some of the peanuts that I got.

I stare at the cars that are driving by, and I notice another person across the street doing the same thing I'm doing. Sitting on the ground and staring at the cars. Who is he? Why is he there?
Why does he also look so sad?

I don't know what took over me. probably Holy Spirit. but I got up. put down my bag of peanuts. waited till there were no more cars. and found myself walking across the street. Marched right up to the man.

He didn't even notice that I was hovering over him. Eyes glazed over, staring at the cars.
Ummm excuse me, sorry to bother you. I say. but are you okay?

He glances up and squints at me, somewhat startled that someone is speaking to him. I expected him to say that everything was okay or be like why is this stranger talking to me. but he looks at me with the saddest eyes and tells me that no. he is not okay.

Why?
Because I'm homeless ma'm.
What? (he looks like a normal, white suburban dad or something) For how long?
For 6 months.

oh...I see the black suitcase next to him and then notice the small stains on his shirt. As the breeze passes by, I get a whiff of alcohol.

Instead of walking away. For some reason, I plop down on the grass next to him. He is very confused as to why this young, asian girl is talking to him. but he talks. I learn about his life. how he used to live in Florida with his family. but his alcoholism destroyed his relationship with his daughter and wife. his wife remarried and moved his daughter to Maryland.  he used his savings to travel up to Maryland for his daughter's graduation. and stayed for awhile with the new family.  He ended up homeless again because they kicked him out because of his drinking problem.

He shows me his license. His name is Stephen. that's a good name. he looks so "normal" in his picture. blonde hair. wearing a pink polo. I could imagine him playing golf on the weekends.

A guy walking by recognizes him. Stephen speaks to him in another language. I ask him what the language was. And he tells me it was Italian. What he knows Italian? He tells me that he knows three languages. How is a guy like him homeless...

He tells me alot about his daughter. When he spoke about his daughter his face brightened up.

As he spoke, I wanted to tell him about Jesus Christ. he can set him free from his addictions.

So, I asked the obvious question. Did you ever wish you could stop drinking?
He replied back with a definite yes and explained that of course he tried many times.

here it goes. Do you believe in God?

to my surprise, he replies back with an enthusiastic yes. he explains how Jesus Christ is his Lord and Savior. how he used to love reading the book of Hebrews. I pull out my bible from my purse. He looks through it with excitement and we discuss scripture.

I realize now that even though he knew about Christ. there is a difference in claiming his words. alot of people give up when they don't see "results". but we must truly believe and continue to hold onto Christ. and allow the Holy Spirit to sanctify us.

I tell him about my situation. how I don't believe that it was a coincidence that I locked myself out here. that I was meant to meet him and encourage him. that God has not forgotten about him.

and for the first time, I see a grown man tear up.
he tells me that in all seriousness. he has been contemplating suicide for awhile. but today was the day that he was actually going to do it. jump in front of a moving car.

I tell him that he must not! and he smiles and says that of course he will not now because God had sent him an angel.

I see my dad's car driving into the parking lot across the street. I tell Stephen that I have to go. and usually I don't carry around cash but that week I just so happened to stop by the bank and withdraw some. I hand him a white envelope and tell him to get a taxi to see his daughter. To live right.

I never saw him again. To this day I don't know what happened to him. If he returned back to drinking. But I have a feeling that he didn't. I know that God saved him for something great.


it's funny how instead of sending me an angel, God sends me to be an angel to someone else.

and it worked because I felt much, much better. He has a plan for everything and He can even use our mistakes. this man thought he had nobody in this world to turn to. but God had not forgotten him. He remembered him. He loved him.

How deep is the Father's love for us.

Final Papers

Just something silly that I wrote. To those who have actually experienced real childbirth, please don't be offended...


In the midst of all these final papers, I would have to say that a well-suited analogy for writing papers would be childbirth. At the beginning of the semester, your professor gives you a due date for your paper. Until the due date arrives, you are quite nervous and there is a level of discomfort. You wait in anticipation and you hope that your paper will turn out okay. As the due date draws closer, you begin to labor for your paper. The most painful time is the night before or morning of your due date. You want to give up at times, but you persevere through it. After you squeeze out that last citation on your reference page, you hit the print button and WALA! Finally! Hallelujah! You are done. You staple those pages and admire your finished work proudly.  Depending on how long it took to labor it out, you may even kiss it and hold it to your chest. Some papers you have high hopes for and others, well you are just going to have to accept the outcomes...

And now. enough procrastinating and time to start laboring.

Final Creative Writing Assignment as an Undergrad



Writing Prompt 1: Create a dialogue between three or four characters (no more, except walk-ons) from our books (all from different books).  Situate them in a locale of your imaginative choice. Your dialogue may be serious, philosophical, psychological, or amusing, as you like. Stay in character! When someone speaks, be certain it is *that* person and no one else. While writing, go back to the books to get into your characters’ heads. Be inventive!

Books: The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde , Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, and The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

Wisdom is the Tree of Life
[In a beautiful, lush garden]

Dorian Gray: Where in heaven’s name am I?

Henry Jekyll: Heaven? Am I in heaven…No I cannot be. I was too wretched of a man…

Dorian Gray: [notices Henry Jekyll and turns around] I was not so much of a saint myself. The last thing I remember…[he touches his chest]

Victor Frankenstein: [pushes aside a thick, green branch] Well gentlemen, this is certainly not hell.

Dorian Gray: Then where are we? And better yet, who might you be?

Victor Frankenstein: It seems that I know as much as you do. And, from my experience, perhaps it is better that we do not know.

Henry Jekyll: Yes, but you don’t expect…

[A bright figure appears.]

Victor Frankenstein: [covering his eyes] oh! The light is blinding me.

[The three men look away, trembling]

The Light: Victor is wise in saying that it is better that you do not know where you are.
This place is to make amends with who you once were.

Henry Jekyll: Sir…may I ask what you mean by that?

The Light: You have all been given the opportunity to either choose a moment in your life to return to -

Dorian Gray: Any moment?  

The Light: Yes, any moment. You will be taken there as if any moment beyond that one never existed and you had never died.

Henry Jekyll: Oh! This cannot be true. To think that we could rewrite our pasts. Why, I already know exactly which moment I would return to.

Victor Frankenstein: My Lord, and what may the other opportunity be?

The Light: You may choose to enter the dreams of the writers of your time and reveal your stories to them.  

Dorian Gray: And what would happen to us afterwards? Would we be forever trapped in their dreams?

[The Light vanishes from their presence.]

Dorian Gray: Wait! Where did he go? Well it does not matter. If what he said was indeed true, then we have been given a golden opportunity. To be able to change our past. We have conquered time! Not all of my fortunes could have bought an opportunity like this. [He addresses Dr. Jekyll.] You mentioned that you already knew what moment you would return to. What moment would that be? But first, who are you? Or who were you.

Henry Jekyll: My name is Henry Jekyll, and in my life I was a doctor.

Dorian Gray: A doctor? Well that is quite respectable. Why did you refer to yourself as a wretched man earlier?

Henry Jekyll: [He sighs and sits on a marble bench] I see no point in hiding it now. If you must know, I have blood on my hands.

[Silence]

Victor Frankenstein: [He places his hand on Dr. Jekyll’s left shoulder.] Brother, I do as well. [He gazes at Dorian.]  

Dorian Gray: As do I...

Henry Jekyll: [He looks up at the men and his surroundings] Well, I suppose then that that is the reason that we are all here in this place.

Dorian Gray: How did you commit the murders…

Henry Jekyll: Well, I did not murder anyone directly. But it was him

Victor Frankenstein: Him?

Henry Jekyll: [Sighs] Yes him. Edward Hyde. That part of myself that I could never accept. See in my zealous pursuit of purity I attempted to detach myself from the “darkness” in me. As you said son, [turning to Dorian] I was a respectable man in my town, I even did some charitable work in order to prove that I was a moral and decent man. But there was an evil in me that delighted stolen wine, recklessness, the “freedom” to fulfill every sinful passion and evil thought in my mind.  Without the knowledge of even my closest companions, I conjured a potion to separate myself from that wretched part of me. But things did not go as I had expected…I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear.  Oh it was just –

Victor Frankenstein: An experiment gone wrong.  

Henry Jekyll: You seem to understand Mr…

Victor Frankenstein: Frankenstein. Victor Frankenstein. I was a scientist in my time. And in my zealous pursuit of knowledge, you could say that I created a monster. It was my first creation. I imagined that I would marvel at it. But when it came to “life” I despised it. I refused to comply with its request for a mate, and my bitterness led it to revenge. It destroyed all that I loved, everything and everyone around me. Including myself.

Dorian Gray: It was as if you were responsible for your own deaths…

Henry Jekyll: And you, my son?

Dorian Gray: I was known as Dorian Gray. And I would consider myself the worst among us all because I was responsible for the suicides of two beings, a death of a man seeking revenge against me, and I myself killed a man in cold blood. A friend. A close friend. I am also responsible for my own death. [He points to his heart.] A knife to my own heart.

Henry Jekyll: With an innocent and beautiful demeanor as yours, I would have never expected such acts. But I myself cannot judge you, my son. What drove you to do such things?

Dorian Gray: [He looks at Dr. Jekyll] You chased after purity. [At Frankenstein] Knowledge. I foolishly thirsted for the idea that I could stay young and beautiful forever.

Henry Jekyll: But how…

Dorian Gray: A portrait. Not my own experiment or creation. But an admirer of mine. Or an admirer of my youth and beauty. The irony. In the heat of emotions, I wished that the portrait would change but that I would remain the same. The portrait began to reflect my sins, grow older and more hideous each day, but I, I still maintained my glorious beauty. I never aged a single day. But my soul became poisoned day by day until the night came when I tried to destroy that portrait that haunted me so.

Victor Frankenstein: But in the end you destroyed yourself.

Henry Jekyll: Yes, we all did. What do you reckon we should do now? I would go back to the moment before I ever created that vile potion.

Dorian Gray: The moment before I made that wish. No, the moment before I met the eyes of Basil. I should have never sat for that portrait. To have allowed myself to have heard that melodious, deep voice of Lord Henry…

[Frankenstein said nothing.]

Henry Jekyll: [To Frankenstein] And you? I’m guessing the moment before you created that “monster” of yours.

Victor Frankenstein: [Pauses] Brothers, we have pursued after dangerous things. Ideas that were once glorious to us, but now we realize that the pursuit of such unsearchable concepts will destroy a man. Yet the world does not know. Our world is still under the deception that the zealous pursuit of knowledge, purity, and beauty are glorious endeavors.  The man who spoke to us before. He had also given us the option to tell our stories. Stories that may one day lead men to life and not destruction. I have now learned the only truth that should have mattered to me before. Only God should know all things. Only can He create beings. Only is He completely pure. And Only is His beauty everlasting.

Dorian Gray: But we do not know what will happen once we enter the minds of those writers…

Frankenstein: It is not for us to know. But for us to trust that this is right.

Henry Jekyll: [To Dorian] My son, I have spent my life searching for what is right. I thought I knew, but I still have yet to understand. [To Frankenstein] But your words seem to hold truth. I do not know if it is right to share my story, but I am willing to take that risk. To spare a man from the hypocrisy of my days. I am willing to sacrifice my life.

[The Light reappears. The three men look away.]

The Light: Have we made a decision.

Henry Jekyll: Yes, but I have a request. I would like to enter the dreams of a writer who has gone through many trouble and hardships in his life. One who would understand my pain.

The Light: Very well. And you? [To Dorian]

Dorian Gray: [Pause] I suppose I will as well. And I would also like to make a request. I want to enter the dreams of a writer who has the ability to write with beauty and eloquence. The work of art I destroyed, for him to create anew.

The Light: Very well. [He looks at Victor] Victor, my friend. What would you like.

Victor: I would like to enter a dream of a writer who is a young woman. I want her name to be Mary.  I picture a woman similar to Mary Magdalene. A woman who had endured much troubles and shame from her society. A woman who would not judge my actions or my creation. Perhaps, she will even have compassion for him.  

The Light: [To the three men] Very well. I will grant your requests. And for your faith, I do not condemn you either. Your sins are forgiven.

---

Blog Exceeds 10,000 Views!

I haven't been on my blog for a few weeks and I came on it today and was like what? why does the page view number section have so many digits. that can't be right...

but wow. I just wanted to say thanks to those who have been reading my posts. I started this blog out to journal my time studying abroad in Korea and I really did not expect others to read it.

yet I surrendered this blog to God and prayed that it would glorify Him in some way and He really blessed it.
it really encourages me to hear that others are encouraged by the things I write.
looking back and reading some of my old posts also helps me to realize how faithful God is.

Please pray that I will continue to have testimonies to share and this blog would be a blessing to those who stumble across it. and that I would be motivated and diligent enough to write

Thank you so much ^__^

                                                                               ---

Oh and BTW! today is Compassion Sunday.
so consider sponsoring a child from Compassion






Joy is Evidence of a Grateful Heart

I always wanted to be a grandma because I feel like grandmas are so cute and can get away with anything. Plus they seem to have very simple and peaceful lives, not having to worry about working, school, getting married, dealing with kids, the future.

However, after getting the stomach flu this year I realized that whoa...one thing that grandmas do have to worry about is their health. while I was sick, I felt so weak and it was hard for me to even walk around.
It opened my eyes to see what a blessing it is to be healthy and young. After I recovered, I had this incredible joy in me because I was thankful for even small things that I took for granted such as my health.

For one of my classes I had to write a short play based on the story Dr. Heidegger's Experiment
I basically wrote it the night before it was due hehee ^_^" just spitting the ideas and words in my head on the page. I really didn't expect to get a good grade because the writing wasn't well thought-out or "literary" in any sense. but today I got my paper back and as my professor handed it to me she told me that she very rarely gives out A+ (she's the very deep/artsy/English literature type, so I don't think she believes in giving A+'s) but she gave my paper an A+

Basically for the play I wrote about being grateful with your present circumstances instead of wishing for a better life in the future.

The title: "Joy is Evidence of a Grateful Heart"




God is Faithful

Oh mohnah I was kind of hesitant about sharing this because parts of it are sooo embarrassing...
but I think this would be really encouraging and shows literally how faithful He is.
Right now I'm waiting to hear back from gradschools, unsure about my future, blahblahblah but reading this reminds me that I should never forget God's faithfulness!!

This is something that I wrote in my other secret blog that I had for awhile.

                                                                    ---



Dear me in the future

Right now i am 17 years old.
i am worried about what i'm going to get on the SAT, what college i'm going to get into, or if i am going to die
a girl who never had a boyfriend.
oh yeah and the girl who never had a car or a job or a future
my favorite food is mashed potatoes
i currently really like this guy. or i think i do. his name is _____ hopefully you'll remember
i have bad acne :[ hopefully it will clear up
i am a junior at glenelg high school. everything is pretty much boring but i am still happy and optomistic
my advice always is "just go with the flow" and "do not worry about tommorow for tommorow will worry about itself"
i wonder if i will go to prom?
right now i am thinking about a major in International Relations
and i want to make a difference in the world? will i ? hopefully

anyways in the future. i hope to be a self-confident, funny, strong, brave, compassionate, open minded lady
but if not. remember that God will always love you and be there for you no matter what situation you are in.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So




What I wrote in response to "Rebekah from the past"
Wednesday November 23, 2011

Dear Rebekah,

You are now 20 years old. You did really well on the SATs better than all your friends (2150). you got a full scholarship to UMBC. And you finally have a boyfriend who you love very much ;]
You driven like 4 different cars already an Audi, Lexus, Toyota, and now an Acura TL. And you have an awesome job tutoring, making three times as much hourly than most college students do.
Your favorite food now is shrimp and like everything cause you love eating.
You no longer like this guy. You have a much better one for you now who actually likes you back you dork.
Your acne has all cleared up :]
You're a junior at UMBC. You're life has been filled with fun things and excitement.
You're advice is still the same. Thanks for it. New advice i would give you is: LOVE.
You went to prom and had a fun time.
Your major now is Psychology and you actually find it interesting.
I'm not sure if you made a difference in the world but i'm sure you've made a difference in a lot of people's worlds.

You're getting there and God's grace has definitely been on your life. Thanks for reminding me how cute we are and how much God loves us.
Truly if you look at everything. He has given you all your hopes, dreams, and desires and He will continue to pour His blessing on you. Be sure to thank Him always and look on the bright side of everything.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So

Where are you going?

Walking on campus talking with David about his new job.
Grace comes up to us and asks me: "so where are you going?"

(Thinking that she's asking me where I'm going after I graduate)
I say: "I don't know Grace! I'm still trying to figure that out" 
Grace: What?
Me: What?? 
Grace: I meant where are you going now? 
Me: oh...haha I'm going to Commons Garage 

My first funeral


Wrote this my senior year of High School.
April 3, 2009 

My first funeral

            My mom calls me and asks what I am doing on Tuesday night. It is a strange question. She never asks me if I am busy on school nights. “Homework, I guess”, I tell her. She tells me to finish my homework immediately after school. “Why?” I ask.  She ignores me and asks if I have any black clothing. Of course I have black clothing. I question her again. She sighs, “You’re uncle is dead, lung cancer”. She hangs up.
            I have many uncles, but for some strange reason I know which uncle my mom had been referring to. He was only fifty six years old, six years older than my own dad. Lung cancer? I never even knew he had lung cancer. I stare blankly at the phone. I wait for a feeling of sadness to hit me. It never comes. Why don’t I feel sad? Should I feel sad? Is it terribly wrong that I don’t feel sad?    
            When someone suddenly dies, the first thing you think of is when you last saw or talked to that person. New Years Day. I remember his twinkling eyes and his gentle smile. My sisters, my cousins, and I bowed to him and wished him a long and healthy life. He smiled and handed each of us twenty dollar bills. He looked so alive. He had just become a reverend. It is so hard to believe that someone who was so good and alive is now dead.
            For the next few days I am not bothered by his death. Sure, every night I say a brief prayer for my aunt and my cousin, but I carry on with my life as if I had never heard the news.  An hour before the funeral, my house is filled with the racket of my family scrambling to get dressed. We prepare ourselves as if we are attending any other family gathering. We pile into the car and talk merrily amongst ourselves. It feels like another Thanksgiving or Christmas.
            When we pull up into the church parking lot, the mood changes quickly. The reality of my uncle’s death finally hits me. We slip quietly into the sanctuary and blend in with the sea of black in the pews. Curious, I let my eyes wander. I count the rows. There must be at least five hundred people here. My mom jabs me and orders me to sit still.
            On an enormous projection screen, a slideshow of my uncle’s pictures is shown. I am amazed at how young and handsome he looked about twenty years ago. There is a picture of my uncle and my aunt standing together. They look so young and happy. Behind me a woman cries. Her sobs make my own eyes water. I feel a lump rising in my throat. Blink fast. Breathe. Blink fast. Swallow. I look up at the projection screen. Now there is a picture of my uncle smiling; his arms are raised as if he is on a roller coaster. The tears overflow and fall. I want it to be a joke. I want my uncle to jump out behind the casket and tell us it was all a joke. I keep seeing his face so clearly. His few hairs that are combed over his bald head. His wrinkles. His eyes that twinkle when he laughs.
            One by one, my uncle’s friends stand at the podium and make speeches about how great he was. He was such a wonderful man they all say. I wish I brought a tissue. Why am I wearing mascara? A pastor preaches his sermon. He explains how my uncle has finished the race. We should rejoice for him and congratulate him for finishing the race. His message uplifts me a little bit.  Only for a short while. The pastor then turns to my uncle’s son, Paul.  He tells Paul that his father’s last wish would be for Paul to keep his faith so that one day he will be with his father in heaven. He tells him that his father is waiting for him. The tears start again. 
              After the Pastor finishes speaking, the casket is opened. I remember a conversation I had a few days earlier. I was telling my friend that I had never seen a dead body before. I wish I never said that.  The people in each row shuffle into the middle aisle. I see my aunt being pulled away from the casket. She stands next to the casket, along with my cousin and my uncle’s parents. I observe the people. They move up, two people at a time. Bow their heads in front of the casket. Move to the side. Shake hands with my uncle’s family. Some give them sympathetic pats. Others hug them. After about twenty minutes, it is my turn. I tug my little sister closer to my side. We stand in front of the opened casket. My uncle looks so unnaturally small, so unnaturally orange. I tear my body away. I briefly hug my cousin and move on to my aunt. She is looking down, crying. I call her name and she looks up, surprised to see me there. I hug her for awhile. She feels unusually small and thin, not like the strong and commanding woman she usually is. I let go and move on to an elderly lady. She does not look familiar, but I am almost certain that she is my uncle’s mother. I feel terrible that her son has died before her. The lady grabs my hand. “Eunjie?” she says my Korean name. “You’ve grown up so much” She cries and hugs me. My tears seem endless.
            As I walk out of the sanctuary the atmosphere is completely different. People are laughing and conversing. Their grieving is already over. I think about my aunt though, how her life will never be the same. 
            The car ride home is much more solemn. My sisters and I grumble when we reach our home and drag our feet to our rooms. In an attempt to turn on my lamp in my dark room, I trip over an object. My guitar. The guitar my uncle gave me. A pick it up carefully and sit on my bed. In the dark, I strum the strings slowly. A week ago I wanted a new guitar for my birthday, a smaller guitar, so my fingers would not have to furiously reach for the notes. I balance the large guitar on my lap. It reminds me of my great and tall uncle. I strum the strings again. It produces a deep and rich sound, just like my uncle’s voice. I vow to never get rid of this guitar. This way I will not forget. I will be able to keep the memories of my uncle alive.

                                                                             ---

The guitar he gave me.
After many callouses. I can now freely play it and worship God.

Sometimes you don't even know the impact that you have on others until later on. One day when I meet my uncle in heaven I want to tell him what a blessing his gift was and how it has deepened my relationship with God. He never ministered to me personally but his simple act of kindness showed me great love and generosity. As my sister wrote to me once "I hope you remember the full effect that even the smallest of your actions can have on others. Spread the love."
            

Which one is she?

[talking with my sisters in the car]

Gloria: who are those two australian girls on youtube?
Me: [whispers to Grace] she doesn't even know who JSlee is...
Gloria: oh yeah. which one is she?

Squirrels

Watching this superbowl commercial with my fam

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iymBRSUfz9U

Mom: oh those dogs are so cute!
Me: those are squirrels....
Mom: oh no wonder they were so cute

Day 6: God always keeps His promises

Saturday January 5th 2013

we get to wake up a little later today.
never thought I would be thankful to wake up at 6:30 am.

today we go up to the mountains to do VBS!

before we leave the mountain. I see Natake sweeping the floor. He's one of the older kids here and P.Josh tells me that he has body pains? so I should pray for him.

I awkwardly approach him and ask him if I could pray for him and he lets me.

here's the thing though. this morning for some reason I had this crucial back pain (I usually don't have any problems with back pain). and after I finish praying for Natake, I realize that the severe back pain that I had earlier disappeared!

I am so shocked and touched that I start crying and I'm like Natake!! pointing to my back and waving my arms around. he's probably like whhhhat? is wrong with this girl....
but yeah...God is good :D He really does work in ways we don't understand....

I used to pray for healing alot but overtime I kinda got discouraged by failures so I stopped.
but I hope God teaches me His ways and rebuilds my trust in His healing power and will.

I need to spend more time in His presence. then I'll know what to do..
I hope that I'll be able to balance spending some alone time with God and time with others.

Last night one of the sisters asked me what it means to spend time "in His presence"
it's kind of hard to explain but there's something about it.
like it's more than reading the bible and even praying.
I pray for her before I go to sleep and for us all that we would spend time in His presence daily.
it requires seeking and discipline but it'll truly change your life.


on the ride to the mountain village the view is amazing. I get to see a water buffalo? Ox?
the ride in the truck is so bumpy like a jurassic park ride. so fun...

we get there and we try to get to know the kids.
the boys I think don't like the girls because every time I try to talk to them they scream and run away..

mehehehehee....hey kids.....ahhhhhh!!....run away
creeper status lvl 99

in the mountain village there are all sorts of farm animals and I get to pet a baby pig!!
so cute I'm gunnna diiiieeeeeeeeee!
I'm going to pick you up baby pig :)
SQUEEEEAAALLLLL!!
all of them run away.......mah b......

we play games afterwards like capture the flag.
of course my team would never win. athletics is not my forte...

which is why I feel bad for the girl who got stuck with me for the water balloon tossing game....
ope! one toss. splatter. game over. no chance.

after dinner we have worship and our team has to present a skit.
it's supposed to be a serious skit but somehow it turns out to be funny.
they choose me to narrate the skit and I am like the most awkward narrator ever....

P.Josh then shares his testimony. it's pretty powerful. the missionary's wife, Junia, was crying as she was translating.
it's amazing how God can transform someone's life like that.

when we walk out of the service. we all gasp one by one because of the stars.

this is what I've been looking forward to the whole day.
the whole sky was filled with stars.
I have never ever seen anything so beautiful my whole life!
yes....I use the word whole alot.
my life is whole now because I have lived to see this :)

apparently two shooting starts went by but i missed it!!!

we lie on the grass and literally stare at the stars for half an hour.
I understand now why God promised Abraham that He would make his descendants as numerous as the stars...

And God always keeps His promises.

red clay mountain village

i manage to catch two

they look so cute until red baby punches me the stomach and beats me with his popsicle stick sword 

my abstract painting during arts & crafts time

baby pigs! before I try to pick one up

my masterpiece photo of a water buffalo/ ox?