So today while I was watching Grey's Anatomy I fell asleep lol and had one of those intense naps where after you wake up you're like half asleep and half awake and then eventually you become wide awake and it's 1:36 in the morning and you're wide awake and you feel strange and existential.
I wanted to write about something that happened last Saturday but then I got lazy and pushed it off but I guess this would be a good time to write about it.
But I'm not going to. I guess I'll write about it another time. The concept of timing is interesting. I remember that I didn't write about my
story about my encounter with the homeless man until two years after it happened. I decided to write it down after I found out some pretty bad news. had this sudden urge to write down everything.
I've been thinking about the concept of timing and also suffering these days. Around a week ago I was just lying in bed thinking about which character I would want to be from the bible and I went through all the ones I could remember and was like uhhh crap...I don't think I would want to be any of them lol cause they all went through pretty hard things in life and had to wait alot. like talking about years and years and years and it's like God.....God.....GOD....why...so....long....
earlier during the semester I was quite bitter at God for all the waiting and suffering. but now that it's summer and i'm more relaxed I'm much more peachy and trusting. I guess in all this I am reminded that God's wisdom is infinite and his compassion is great. I think he understands the pain that we have and will endure but also knows that the benefits outweigh the risks. At times he doesn't take away the pain but he is with us in it. He knows that we don't fully understand why we need to wait or suffer. And so we cry, but I think he cries with us.
John 11. The death and resurrection of Lazarus has been on my heart and mind for the past few months now. One of these days I will go through and write my thoughts on the whole passage. but the part that relates to timing and suffering is when Martha and Mary who are close to Jesus both say to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." And the people around them also said "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"
Jesus knew that Lazarus would be resurrected soon but nobody else did. Their minds couldn't even fathom at the time that Jesus could resurrect him at that moment. Everyone was crying and weeping over Lazarus's death. For four days Martha and Mary were probably filled with pain over their brother's death. In their natural desires they probably would have expected or wanted Jesus to have healed him and prevented him from dying. However, that was not in God's plan. He had something greater. But in order for that greatness to be achieved, they had to wait and suffer. I think when Jesus wept, he wept because he saw how much pain those impacted by Lazarus's death were in, especially when he saw Mary weeping. He knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, but he also knew they didn't know and had empathy for their pain. I don't think he was weeping regarding their disbelief, I think he was weeping with them in their pain.
It's not that God doesn't have the power to change or relieve us from our situations. It's that he allows us to endure the pain or waiting for greater things. But at times he doesn't tell us to cheer up, he cries with us.
As a therapist we learn that the relationship between us and our clients is fundamental. Before we go onto learning about treatment plans and different modalities, we learn the basics of empathizing and simply being with our clients. At times, we can't fix or change what they are going through, all we can do is sit with them in their pain. And somehow having two people sharing the pain helps because you're no longer going through it alone.
As I think about the characters in the Bible and their amount of trials, sufferings, and waiting, I am also reminded that through it all God was with them. He didn't let them take the easy road or short cuts, but till the very end he was with them. And one day I believe he will make things right again. He will wipe away every tear but until then we keep moving forward and we keep trusting that he knew all the options and all the ways things in our lives could unfold and he orchestrated the best possible way. even though to us it may not seem like the best way, and we may not like it. he knows and understands. I don't think he asks us to be happy about it. but he asks us to trust him. even if that means trusting him through tears.
I made a difficult decision about four and half years ago and I expected that God would make things right soon after and I would be healed quickly. But after each year would go by and things didn't get better, I became pretty bitter. I would say to God it's been a year, then two years, three years, four years, four and a half freaking years and I'm still in the same/ if not worse situation. At times I was so tired and so done. so hopeless. so angry. so bitter.
But recently. I can't remember if it was today or on Friday lol I can't really keep track of things anymore..I surrendered and was like okay God I trust you. I will stop counting the years that have gone by. I will stop holding that against you and I will trust you once again.
I'm pretty sure someone was praying for me. Thank you to that person/persons. Intercessory prayer is a mysterious thing to me but it really works. I get so happy when I feel the prayers of others. One time I was chillin, eating an apple, on my computer, and then all the sudden I'm thinking about John 3:16 probably the least emotion provoking verse for me because of how I've been so desensitized to it. the next thing I know I feel God's presence so strongly, and I'm crying over the first part of this verse "For God so loved the world" as if why would God so love this crazy world that at times ignores, rejects, defiles, and hates him enough to "send his one and only Son" to die for us...and in that moment I just knew that someone was praying for me and had a feeling that it was my mentor at the time Lisa Kwak. So I text Lisa like "are you praying for me right now?" and she texts back something like omg yes, how did you know and I vaguely told her what happened and she was like wow hallelujah. something like that lol I don't remember exactly how that convo went down. but yes I had similar feelings this weekend. so thank you. to whoever was praying. thanks.
anyways. Friday's thing at church was about romantic relationships. which is basically that area of my life that is my dry bones/thorn/ hopeless/ etc, etc, etc. so many disappoints, failures, wired in a way that makes it nearly impossible for me seek a healthy relationship, anxiety provoking, Simba run away and never return kind of thing at the thought of something real. but at the end of the night during the prayer time. oh yes okay I think that's when I surrendered and said I will stop counting the years. anyways I think the thought came to my mind that future Rebekah is praying for me and she is saying that one day I will be so happy for all the disappointments and failures because if those relationships hadn't failed then I wouldn't be with the person that I am with now (in the future). And maybe she is praying for me to have hope. and keep moving forward. and that it'll be okay. there is alot of joy waiting. pain is temporary. God is good. God is faithful. God is trustworthy. and God is with us.
And I'm sure that when Jesus did raise Lazarus from the dead, there was a lot of rejoicing. One moment there was weeping and then the next moment there was rejoicing. And that's life. There will always be times of sadness followed by happiness followed by sadness and the cycle continues.
But through it all we have peace, and we are blessed because God is with us.