One step at a time
They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"....I don't agree. Some things that didn't kill me, came so close that they're still damaging. They didn't make me better. Some things made me worse. And can't that be okay too? Can't some things just break you? This whole fucking world wants you to believe that admitting defeat makes you weak. For God's sake, bleed. And bleed openly. There can be pride in vulnerability. Honesty is maturity. And really, it's the things that did kill me, that made me.
My internship year in Kansas destroyed me. I didn't decide until the last minute to uphold my contract there because of my worsening health issues, and three months in, I was so close to leaving but long story short I was meant to be there.
I experienced a year long major depressive episode where I not just cried but full on wept and thought about suicide daily. I was so confused and screamed at God to end the pain but the pain didn't end. I felt as though I was drowning and right when I was about to die someone would pull me back up just long enough for me to take a breath and then pull me back under. Over and over again. I've never experienced that level of prolonged physical and emotional torture in my life like that. Each day I clinged onto the words that "this too shall pass."
I spent years trying to make sense of what happened and it took some time but I now realize that I actually respect who I am inwardly. I have a deep and genuine level of empathy and openness that only those who have been truly broken can have. Outwardly I'm a mess, still picking up the pieces. Slowly I am healing, as this self respect came at a significant price. And that's okay, as I tell my clients: one step at a time.