Everything is Temporary

Dear God,

Last night I got an email that my doc paper finally was approved. This paper has been the bane of my existence for the past 4-5 years. Literally nights of crying and screaming into pillows. But now it's done and, as expected, it's anticlimactic. I wrote in my previous entry that if everything works out will I be happy?

I think as I'm out here and everything is coming to an end - everything I thought I wanted will start to happen (moving back, graduating) - I'm realizing that my true joy is found in being with you. Because everything in life is temporary and not as glamorous as it seems.

I remember there was a weekend in college when I thought I had everything and got to do everything I wanted to do - but I still felt as though something was missing. I still wasn't satisfied.

I'm not at a stage where I feel completely joyful or euphoric. my current mood is somewhat tired but at peace. I am learning to appreciate and balance once again life as a gift and a mission. Learning to just be with you and being content in the good works you have planned for me.

I still remember the last message P.Erin preached at EMMAUS (college group I went to at Yonsei while I was studying abroad). She preached that everything in life is temporary and if there was one thing we could takeaway it was to remember our commitment with God. That was 7 years ago - and I feel as though my faith has been tested like crazy since then. But I'm glad that my time here in Kanas is reminding me once again of what's truly important.

In group therapy today we talked about the fleeting nature of happiness. For some they want to hold onto the happiness and fear/avoid/deny the pain. For others the ups and downs of happiness and pain is too exhausting or disappointing that they rather just stay down or cynical. I have had both experiences in my life and hope now to accept that pain in life is inevitable so I won't have to be afraid of it. To be able to allow myself to enjoy the good times and persevere through the bad. And in it to find comfort in the one who remains steady and faithful through it all.

You will always be my joy.

Letters

Dear me in the future

Right now i am 17 years old.
i am worried about what i'm going to get on the SAT, what college i'm going to get into, or if i am going to die
a girl who never had a boyfriend.
oh yeah and the girl who never had a car or a job or a future
my favorite food is mashed potatoes
i currently really like this guy. or i think i do. his name is _____ hopefully you'll remember
i have bad acne :[ hopefully it will clear up
i am a junior at glenelg high school. everything is pretty much boring but i am still happy and optomistic
my advice always is "just go with the flow" and "do not worry about tommorow for tommorow will worry about itself"
i wonder if i will go to prom?
right now i am thinking about a major in International Relations
and i want to make a difference in the world? will i ? hopefully

anyways in the future. i hope to be a self-confident, funny, strong, brave, compassionate, open minded lady
but if not. remember that God will always love you and be there for you no matter what situation you are in.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So


---

What I wrote in response to "Rebekah from the past"
Wednesday November 23, 2011

Dear Rebekah,

You are now 20 years old. You did really well on the SATs better than all your friends (2150). you got a full scholarship to UMBC. And you finally have a boyfriend who you love very much ;]
You driven like 4 different cars already an Audi, Lexus, Toyota, and now an Acura TL. And you have an awesome job tutoring, making three times as much hourly than most college students do.
Your favorite food now is shrimp and like everything cause you love eating.
You no longer like this guy. You have a much better one for you now who actually likes you back you dork.
Your acne has all cleared up :]
You're a junior at UMBC. You're life has been filled with fun things and excitement.
You're advice is still the same. Thanks for it. New advice i would give you is: LOVE.
You went to prom and had a fun time.
Your major now is Psychology and you actually find it interesting.
I'm not sure if you made a difference in the world but i'm sure you've made a difference in a lot of people's worlds.

You're getting there and God's grace has definitely been on your life. Thanks for reminding me how cute we are and how much God loves us.
Truly if you look at everything. He has given you all your hopes, dreams, and desires and He will continue to pour His blessing on you. Be sure to thank Him always and look on the bright side of everything.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So

---

Tuesday 3/13/18

Dear Rebekah,

You are turning 27 next week. and your life is a mess.
right now you're trying to focus on getting enough hours to complete your internship, finishing your doc paper, graduate, figure out where you're going to live, and get a job.
HAHA but Rebekah in the future will be reading this and laughing because it'll all work out. you already know that.

but my question is even if it all works out. will I eventually be happy again?

I was reading the two entries above and saw how it all worked out.. and then how it all crumbled again..

if I were to write a letter to my past I'd tell her at this point to just die...
I know it's harsh and dark but it's like this is what will happen..

you will end up losing everything..

those cars gone, that job gone, college gone..

you still like shrimp though...

you will lose the only guy you ever loved and think that you will find someone else. but instead you will continue to get your heart broken. 6 years later you will still be in pain...

you will go through a period of time right before grad school when you will even lose your best friend who you've known since you were in pre-k because of circumstances outside of your control. you will be so confused and exhausted. you will think you've lost her forever, but in time God will redeem your friendship. so that one has a happy ending, but sort of. because when you actually get close again...you will be separated by physical distance.

you will move to California and suffer a lot in grad school. you will gain a lot of weight. you will go through years without having a best friend in your proximity. and then you will find close friends again. and then when you do you will have to move again to Kansas.

you will go through the hardest months of your life in Kansas. you will experience health issues and be throwing up multiple times a day. you will be so confused and exhausted again. you will lose friendships. you will be isolated. you will be in so much pain you won't want to live anymore.

but you will live. and maybe one day be glad that you did.

you will experience love and care from people who still made the effort to keep in touch with you even though you wanted to disappear. your love and care for your clients will hopefully ease their pain. you are not as alone as you think you are.

if you were to actually know all this ahead of time. you would probably be terrified. perhaps you would have done things differently to avoid the pain. but perhaps the pain in life is inevitable. and it is through the pain of Jesus that brought you life. God is not about avoiding pain but redeeming pain for his glory. so brace yourself. be brave. trust God for he cares for you more than you will ever know. and he will be with you in all of this. even though you may question that a times. it won't change who he is.

you had hoped when you were 17 to be "a self-confident, funny, strong, brave, compassionate, open minded lady" and maybe everything you've gone through is to develop in you who you hoped to be.

hopefully it'll all be worth it.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So

This Too Shall Pass (song)

Coping with depressive symptoms through creative expression. Rough recording with my phone video of a song I composed on the piano. Lyrics: Though the tears they may seem endless And the sorrow too long to bear  But just hang in there til tomorrow I promise this too shall pass  And this song I sing from my sorrow  I sing to heal from the past  And I hope by this time tomorrow  I will find my joy at last  Why are you cast down, oh my soul Why are you in turmoil in me Hope in God for I will yet praise him Oh God have mercy on me  Oh God have mercy on me

All I have is Christ

So recently, I came across this picture on Instagram..

and I guess it was supposed to be this cute picture with the message of "trust God. what he has is way bigger and better"..

but the picture didn't make me more hopeful or trusting...instead I was telling God that I don't want bigger or better. I don't want to lose what I am already loyal to. I'd much rather have the little teddy bear that I already love than a bigger one.

In high school my dog, Licky (weird name. I know I was 9 when I named him..) died prematurely at the age of 5 (he was mauled by another dog). And about a year later I got another dog (my current dog Toby) and Toby I do admit is a much better behaved dog than Licky. and I love Toby so much, but I was telling God that I don't care. I still miss Licky. I never wanted to lose him in the first place for another dog that's "better." I remember like years later in grad school just randomly crying over the loss of Licky one night. so sad how I lost him and over the tragic circumstances of his death. wishing that it never happened. wishing other losses in my life didn't have to happen.

And recently I'm going through losses as I have relocated to Kansas and due to other circumstances. some not that devastating but one sig relationship recently that has been more devastating. and so I was telling God that currently I don't even have a bear. I gave you my bear years ago. and I've been waiting for this new "better and bigger" bear but I keep getting these bears that get taken away. and now I picture myself just sitting there alone on the floor crying without a bear.

And then it came to me that maybe the whole point is not about having a bear but about being with Jesus. oh i see..it's not about the bear, it's about Jesus.. the bear was taken away not so my arms could be free for a bigger bear but my arms would be free to give Jesus a hug. and then I tried to imagine myself giving Jesus a hug...

but at the time I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to hug Jesus. in fact there were too many things weighing on me to see Jesus. instead I felt darkness around me. still sitting alone on the floor crying about not having my bear that I couldn't even see Jesus. I knew the enemy was between me and Jesus but I couldn't fight my way to Jesus. I'll let the enemy win this battle...I'm too tired to care anymore...

and I thought should I be fighting to be with Jesus? in like superhero movies it seems as though the person being rescued really doesn't do much...I mean I tend to respect the characters more who at least tries to fight instead of just standing there screaming...but even if they didn't try, in the end the superhero always ends up saving them. it's on the hero to save, not the rescuee. it's on Jesus to save me. I am his responsibility. salvation is not by my works.
but I wondered if there was something I could do, not necessarily to be saved, but just to be with Jesus..

the next day (today) I felt as though I had to visit the Forerunner Christian Fellowship (IHOP sunday service) because God had a word for me there. I really am not that sensitive to God's voice these days but once in awhile I just know. and today was one of those days..

it was my first time there and instantly I was like whoa..the presence is strong here. and today Allen Hood and Corey Russell were preaching together on spiritual friendship (sermon link). it was a timely word because on the way there I was thinking that I don't know where I'm going to end up (geographically) and if I keep moving around I'm going to lose all the friends eventually and end up alone..

but that wasn't what really got to me. what really got to me was the presence and the power that was there as Allen was preaching today with Corey (I've heard Allen and Corey preach separately a few times before and lemme tell you something was def different today). like I felt like I got a glimpse of heaven in that place! the last time I remember feeling this way was at New Philly 7 years ago, when I was like I'm having so much fun at sunday service. I was like what?? how is listening to a sermon at church so fun! there was no place I would have rather been.

in that moment it felt as though the words of eternal life were being spoken. I literally just wanted them to keep preaching forever. I kinda understand how people listened to Jesus speak for days.
and in that moment I didn't care about the bear. I started to want Jesus.

And as Allen Hood was praying and ministering over people, I wanted to be seen by Jesus. It reminded me of when Zacchaeus (Luke 19) climbed the tree to see Jesus and Jesus saw him. Those who were desperate to see Jesus were seen by him. And I wondered what is this tree that I am to climb..

When I got home, I was thinking about my time here in Kansas. And on the surface it is quite difficult not to feel sorry for myself (as noted in my previous melancholy entries). I'm pretty much isolated here with no family or friends...the past is fading, the future uncertain. and in that moment I felt as though Jesus was my only close friend.

and so I sang these two lines
Hallelujah, all I have is Christ
Hallelujah, Jesus is my life 

I sang it over and over again. and added a few lines of my own. Remix! 
and I felt the darkness fade because the enemy hates worship! it probably sounds worse than nails on chalkboard to them. they flee in the presence of true worship.

and then i was like oh! I guess that's what I can do (to my earlier question). worship.
to not be discouraged by my sins and bitterness. but to keep seeking after God's heart. keep praying into my circumstances. and when all hope is lost. SING.

it is true that God brought me out here because he loves me. to heal me. but in the most unexpected ways because to do so, I have to first DIE. die to the notion that my goal in life is to build a world where I don't need Jesus. A world where Jesus is just the cherry on top.

and have my eyes opened to see that Jesus is my world.

Whenever I'm reading the Bible and have questions, I ask the Holy Spirit and he usually finds some way to answer them. So earlier this year as I was reading about Jesus being anointed by a woman at Bethany (Matthew 26) I asked him why this passage was so important (it's in all four gospels). and so important that Jesus said that "truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

I think her action of pouring out the costly perfume for Jesus is the picture of our relationship with him. In love, God gave all for us and in gratitude we give all of us to him. and he becomes our all. And God knows the costs, he acknowledges those who give their all for him.

the world sees the rich man as being fortunate. but in the word of God the rich man does not see God while the beggars do. because the beggars have nothing but God. 

I had this one homeless client, who truly had nothing. literally no possessions (they kept getting stolen), no friends, no family. and I found myself thinking then wow...his life really sucks.

but I remember the way his face lit up when he talked about God. how God was his truly his everything.

and thinking now that he is truly blessed. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" 

and as am I, for God loved me enough to protect me from the lies of the enemy and to see what is truly worth living for. And I admit that I will most likely forget this truth and fall into the lies over and over again. but that's what community is for, to help remind me of truth. and for me to always depend on God through prayer. and when I find myself in darkness, to sing songs of worship. God will protect me until the very end.

And as I'm falling asleep, I imagine the scene again. and this time I am being embraced by Jesus and as I'm thinking that I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything else, a new song comes to me.

In the arms of Jesus is where I want to be
In the arms of Jesus is the perfect place to be

And I've finally found the home I've been longing for.

---

"The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." 

Grateful Love chords by Jonas Park And Laura Hackett Park

New song by Jonas Park and Laura Hackett Park!
I heard it at the IHOP Onething 2017 conference and below is my attempt to try to figure out the chords to the best of my ability (probably not completely accurate to the original but it'll do) cause the chords weren't up yet.

can listen to the song here --> Grateful Love

CHORDS

C

1

2

3

1 of 15

D

2

3

1

1 of 16

Am7

1

2

1 of 37

G/B

2

1

1 of 19

CAPO 1

C D Am7 G/B


Verse 1
C                          D
Find me here, You pull me close, so near
           Am7                    G/B
Calming my every fear, You don’t reject
C                        D
Kindness comes, deep undeserving love
             Am7                     G/B
Breaking the rules to come rescue me here


Chorus
C             D
Jesus, oh my Lord
         Am7     G/B      C
You have won me, won my heart
D
Over and over and
C               D
I won’t hold it back
         Am7         G/B      C
All my love, all my love for You


Verse 2
C                          D
You can see right to the depths of me
            Am7                           G/B
You say my love is real, and call me Your own
C                      D
You reach in, mercy no man expects
                    Am7           G/B
Bringing me life again, lifting me up


Chorus


Instrumental  C D Am7 G/B


Bridge x2
C                     D
Grateful love is my unending song
              Am7                     G/B
I’ll pour out all my love here at Your feet


Chorus x2
C             D
Jesus, oh my Lord
         Am7     G/B      C
You have won me, won my heart
D
Over and over and
C               D
I won’t hold it back
        Am7          G/B      C
All my love, all my love for You
D
(over and over and)