All I have is Christ
So recently, I came across this picture on Instagram..
and I guess it was supposed to be this cute picture with the message of "trust God. what he has is way bigger and better"..
but the picture didn't make me more hopeful or trusting...instead I was telling God that I don't want bigger or better. I don't want to lose what I am already loyal to. I'd much rather have the little teddy bear that I already love than a bigger one.
In high school my dog, Licky (weird name. I know I was 9 when I named him..) died prematurely at the age of 5 (he was mauled by another dog). And about a year later I got another dog (my current dog Toby) and Toby I do admit is a much better behaved dog than Licky. and I love Toby so much, but I was telling God that I don't care. I still miss Licky. I never wanted to lose him in the first place for another dog that's "better." I remember like years later in grad school just randomly crying over the loss of Licky one night. so sad how I lost him and over the tragic circumstances of his death. wishing that it never happened. wishing other losses in my life didn't have to happen.
And recently I'm going through losses as I have relocated to Kansas and due to other circumstances. some not that devastating but one sig relationship recently that has been more devastating. and so I was telling God that currently I don't even have a bear. I gave you my bear years ago. and I've been waiting for this new "better and bigger" bear but I keep getting these bears that get taken away. and now I picture myself just sitting there alone on the floor crying without a bear.
And then it came to me that maybe the whole point is not about having a bear but about being with Jesus. oh i see..it's not about the bear, it's about Jesus.. the bear was taken away not so my arms could be free for a bigger bear but my arms would be free to give Jesus a hug. and then I tried to imagine myself giving Jesus a hug...
but at the time I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to hug Jesus. in fact there were too many things weighing on me to see Jesus. instead I felt darkness around me. still sitting alone on the floor crying about not having my bear that I couldn't even see Jesus. I knew the enemy was between me and Jesus but I couldn't fight my way to Jesus. I'll let the enemy win this battle...I'm too tired to care anymore...
and I thought should I be fighting to be with Jesus? in like superhero movies it seems as though the person being rescued really doesn't do much...I mean I tend to respect the characters more who at least tries to fight instead of just standing there screaming...but even if they didn't try, in the end the superhero always ends up saving them. it's on the hero to save, not the rescuee. it's on Jesus to save me. I am his responsibility. salvation is not by my works.
but I wondered if there was something I could do, not necessarily to be saved, but just to be with Jesus..
the next day (today) I felt as though I had to visit the Forerunner Christian Fellowship (IHOP sunday service) because God had a word for me there. I really am not that sensitive to God's voice these days but once in awhile I just know. and today was one of those days..
it was my first time there and instantly I was like whoa..the presence is strong here. and today Allen Hood and Corey Russell were preaching together on spiritual friendship (sermon link). it was a timely word because on the way there I was thinking that I don't know where I'm going to end up (geographically) and if I keep moving around I'm going to lose all the friends eventually and end up alone..
but that wasn't what really got to me. what really got to me was the presence and the power that was there as Allen was preaching today with Corey (I've heard Allen and Corey preach separately a few times before and lemme tell you something was def different today). like I felt like I got a glimpse of heaven in that place! the last time I remember feeling this way was at New Philly 7 years ago, when I was like I'm having so much fun at sunday service. I was like what?? how is listening to a sermon at church so fun! there was no place I would have rather been.
in that moment it felt as though the words of eternal life were being spoken. I literally just wanted them to keep preaching forever. I kinda understand how people listened to Jesus speak for days.
and in that moment I didn't care about the bear. I started to want Jesus.
And as Allen Hood was praying and ministering over people, I wanted to be seen by Jesus. It reminded me of when Zacchaeus (Luke 19) climbed the tree to see Jesus and Jesus saw him. Those who were desperate to see Jesus were seen by him. And I wondered what is this tree that I am to climb..
When I got home, I was thinking about my time here in Kansas. And on the surface it is quite difficult not to feel sorry for myself (as noted in my previous melancholy entries). I'm pretty much isolated here with no family or friends...the past is fading, the future uncertain. and in that moment I felt as though Jesus was my only close friend.
and so I sang these two lines
Hallelujah, all I have is Christ
Hallelujah, Jesus is my life
I sang it over and over again. and added a few lines of my own. Remix!
and I felt the darkness fade because the enemy hates worship! it probably sounds worse than nails on chalkboard to them. they flee in the presence of true worship.
and then i was like oh! I guess that's what I can do (to my earlier question). worship.
to not be discouraged by my sins and bitterness. but to keep seeking after God's heart. keep praying into my circumstances. and when all hope is lost. SING.
it is true that God brought me out here because he loves me. to heal me. but in the most unexpected ways because to do so, I have to first DIE. die to the notion that my goal in life is to build a world where I don't need Jesus. A world where Jesus is just the cherry on top.
and have my eyes opened to see that Jesus is my world.
Whenever I'm reading the Bible and have questions, I ask the Holy Spirit and he usually finds some way to answer them. So earlier this year as I was reading about Jesus being anointed by a woman at Bethany (Matthew 26) I asked him why this passage was so important (it's in all four gospels). and so important that Jesus said that "truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."
I think her action of pouring out the costly perfume for Jesus is the picture of our relationship with him. In love, God gave all for us and in gratitude we give all of us to him. and he becomes our all. And God knows the costs, he acknowledges those who give their all for him.
the world sees the rich man as being fortunate. but in the word of God the rich man does not see God while the beggars do. because the beggars have nothing but God.
I had this one homeless client, who truly had nothing. literally no possessions (they kept getting stolen), no friends, no family. and I found myself thinking then wow...his life really sucks.
but I remember the way his face lit up when he talked about God. how God was his truly his everything.
and thinking now that he is truly blessed. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"
and as am I, for God loved me enough to protect me from the lies of the enemy and to see what is truly worth living for. And I admit that I will most likely forget this truth and fall into the lies over and over again. but that's what community is for, to help remind me of truth. and for me to always depend on God through prayer. and when I find myself in darkness, to sing songs of worship. God will protect me until the very end.
And as I'm falling asleep, I imagine the scene again. and this time I am being embraced by Jesus and as I'm thinking that I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything else, a new song comes to me.
In the arms of Jesus is where I want to be
In the arms of Jesus is the perfect place to be
And I've finally found the home I've been longing for.
and I guess it was supposed to be this cute picture with the message of "trust God. what he has is way bigger and better"..
but the picture didn't make me more hopeful or trusting...instead I was telling God that I don't want bigger or better. I don't want to lose what I am already loyal to. I'd much rather have the little teddy bear that I already love than a bigger one.
In high school my dog, Licky (weird name. I know I was 9 when I named him..) died prematurely at the age of 5 (he was mauled by another dog). And about a year later I got another dog (my current dog Toby) and Toby I do admit is a much better behaved dog than Licky. and I love Toby so much, but I was telling God that I don't care. I still miss Licky. I never wanted to lose him in the first place for another dog that's "better." I remember like years later in grad school just randomly crying over the loss of Licky one night. so sad how I lost him and over the tragic circumstances of his death. wishing that it never happened. wishing other losses in my life didn't have to happen.
And recently I'm going through losses as I have relocated to Kansas and due to other circumstances. some not that devastating but one sig relationship recently that has been more devastating. and so I was telling God that currently I don't even have a bear. I gave you my bear years ago. and I've been waiting for this new "better and bigger" bear but I keep getting these bears that get taken away. and now I picture myself just sitting there alone on the floor crying without a bear.
And then it came to me that maybe the whole point is not about having a bear but about being with Jesus. oh i see..it's not about the bear, it's about Jesus.. the bear was taken away not so my arms could be free for a bigger bear but my arms would be free to give Jesus a hug. and then I tried to imagine myself giving Jesus a hug...
but at the time I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to hug Jesus. in fact there were too many things weighing on me to see Jesus. instead I felt darkness around me. still sitting alone on the floor crying about not having my bear that I couldn't even see Jesus. I knew the enemy was between me and Jesus but I couldn't fight my way to Jesus. I'll let the enemy win this battle...I'm too tired to care anymore...
and I thought should I be fighting to be with Jesus? in like superhero movies it seems as though the person being rescued really doesn't do much...I mean I tend to respect the characters more who at least tries to fight instead of just standing there screaming...but even if they didn't try, in the end the superhero always ends up saving them. it's on the hero to save, not the rescuee. it's on Jesus to save me. I am his responsibility. salvation is not by my works.
but I wondered if there was something I could do, not necessarily to be saved, but just to be with Jesus..
the next day (today) I felt as though I had to visit the Forerunner Christian Fellowship (IHOP sunday service) because God had a word for me there. I really am not that sensitive to God's voice these days but once in awhile I just know. and today was one of those days..
it was my first time there and instantly I was like whoa..the presence is strong here. and today Allen Hood and Corey Russell were preaching together on spiritual friendship (sermon link). it was a timely word because on the way there I was thinking that I don't know where I'm going to end up (geographically) and if I keep moving around I'm going to lose all the friends eventually and end up alone..
but that wasn't what really got to me. what really got to me was the presence and the power that was there as Allen was preaching today with Corey (I've heard Allen and Corey preach separately a few times before and lemme tell you something was def different today). like I felt like I got a glimpse of heaven in that place! the last time I remember feeling this way was at New Philly 7 years ago, when I was like I'm having so much fun at sunday service. I was like what?? how is listening to a sermon at church so fun! there was no place I would have rather been.
in that moment it felt as though the words of eternal life were being spoken. I literally just wanted them to keep preaching forever. I kinda understand how people listened to Jesus speak for days.
and in that moment I didn't care about the bear. I started to want Jesus.
And as Allen Hood was praying and ministering over people, I wanted to be seen by Jesus. It reminded me of when Zacchaeus (Luke 19) climbed the tree to see Jesus and Jesus saw him. Those who were desperate to see Jesus were seen by him. And I wondered what is this tree that I am to climb..
When I got home, I was thinking about my time here in Kansas. And on the surface it is quite difficult not to feel sorry for myself (as noted in my previous melancholy entries). I'm pretty much isolated here with no family or friends...the past is fading, the future uncertain. and in that moment I felt as though Jesus was my only close friend.
and so I sang these two lines
Hallelujah, all I have is Christ
Hallelujah, Jesus is my life
I sang it over and over again. and added a few lines of my own. Remix!
and I felt the darkness fade because the enemy hates worship! it probably sounds worse than nails on chalkboard to them. they flee in the presence of true worship.
and then i was like oh! I guess that's what I can do (to my earlier question). worship.
to not be discouraged by my sins and bitterness. but to keep seeking after God's heart. keep praying into my circumstances. and when all hope is lost. SING.
it is true that God brought me out here because he loves me. to heal me. but in the most unexpected ways because to do so, I have to first DIE. die to the notion that my goal in life is to build a world where I don't need Jesus. A world where Jesus is just the cherry on top.
and have my eyes opened to see that Jesus is my world.
Whenever I'm reading the Bible and have questions, I ask the Holy Spirit and he usually finds some way to answer them. So earlier this year as I was reading about Jesus being anointed by a woman at Bethany (Matthew 26) I asked him why this passage was so important (it's in all four gospels). and so important that Jesus said that "truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."
I think her action of pouring out the costly perfume for Jesus is the picture of our relationship with him. In love, God gave all for us and in gratitude we give all of us to him. and he becomes our all. And God knows the costs, he acknowledges those who give their all for him.
the world sees the rich man as being fortunate. but in the word of God the rich man does not see God while the beggars do. because the beggars have nothing but God.
I had this one homeless client, who truly had nothing. literally no possessions (they kept getting stolen), no friends, no family. and I found myself thinking then wow...his life really sucks.
but I remember the way his face lit up when he talked about God. how God was his truly his everything.
and thinking now that he is truly blessed. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"
and as am I, for God loved me enough to protect me from the lies of the enemy and to see what is truly worth living for. And I admit that I will most likely forget this truth and fall into the lies over and over again. but that's what community is for, to help remind me of truth. and for me to always depend on God through prayer. and when I find myself in darkness, to sing songs of worship. God will protect me until the very end.
And as I'm falling asleep, I imagine the scene again. and this time I am being embraced by Jesus and as I'm thinking that I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything else, a new song comes to me.
In the arms of Jesus is where I want to be
In the arms of Jesus is the perfect place to be
And I've finally found the home I've been longing for.
---
"The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field."
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