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Showing posts from April, 2016

What does it mean to know God?

Warning post is going to be raw. like blahhh. word vomit.

So these days I have decided I am going to eat healthier, and I've just been eating rottisere chicken with like korean side dishes and apples. and I step onto the scale and found out that instead of losing weight I gained weight?!!!

AND I WAS LIKE GOOOOOOOODD PLEASEEEEEE JUST GIVE ME A BREAKKK!!!
I've been trying to lose weight for the past 3 FRICKIN YEARS and WTEFFFFFF is this BULLSHIT.

EVERYTHING these days has been just....okay not everything....but a lot of things have been just SUCKY....and in the past I would have said some bullshit like Praise God through the storm. or Even though it hurts...I will praise you. Though you slay me....what not what not

But now i'm like I'm so done. sooooo tired. i don't even care anymore.

Ever since I've come into this program and been seeing the behind the scenes of people's lives. the crap. the pain. the craziness. the realness. and all who profess to be Christians some even Pastors. all who have faith and are struggling in their faith. it's like what is going on????

we use so much Christian jargon that like it was so normal for me growing up...but really when we think about what we are saying. it's like what??? what does that mean?? this is not normal...this is not how we function in our daily lives...this is like up in the air talk....almost symbolic...

FOR EXAMPLE.

My rant above, me complaining to God. God please just let me lose weight. how do I know how he will react?? I DONT FREAKING KNOW. I really don't know. Like if I complained to my mom. I know what she would say. she would tell me to do yoga and eat healthier. I know what she would say to me.  I don't know what God would say. I have never heard him talk to me. But it's like people say things all the time like oohh God is speaking to me in this way. God would respond lovingly like you are beautiful for who you are my child. and it's like what?? how would you know...

We like a nice sounding God who would say kind things to us in loving ways. but it's like the Israelites in the desert were complaining to God about how they wanted quail and then he was like oh you want quail here ya go. i'll give it to you and then you will get sick from eating it and die. that's what you get for complaining.

And it's like ummmmmmm what??? that's God okay in some sense I respect that he's pretty gangster don't mess with me. but then there's that whole idea of God doesn't change. so is that how he'll react to me. oh Rebekah you are complaining first world problems about losing weight not thankful for the food I provide for you. oh you wanna lose weight. okay bam food poisoning. or cancer. there you got your wish. or does he even care? is he like ignore. ridiculous. HOW WOULD I KNOW.

and it's not like I can demand God to reveal himself to me. like GOD SHOW ME WHO ARE YOU. it's like me asking Obama to be vulnerable to me and tell me about himself.

and then you could argue that oh well because of Jesus Christ, God wouldn't act in a harsh way to us and wouldn't punish us and we can know him intimately. and yes I would like to believe that.

but nothing around me really shows that. I still don't know him. I would be lying if I said I did. I don't know what his favorite color is. I don't know what his sense of humor is like. I don't know how to relate to him.

and maybe it's because I'm trying to interact with God in the ways that I know how. but he operates on a different wave length. it's like learning a new language. but how?? what is this language. TEACH ME.

and then in the Bible it says something like to know God is to fear God. and it's like what does that even mean?? my spiritual director was saying to fear God is to live in a manner that is pleasing to him. but how do I please him when I don't even know what he likes??? and what if I can't please him. even if I want to please him I can't. I can't promise that...

The words that are coming to me now are surrender and Holy Spirit. and some chapter in Romans about how the sinful nature cannot please God. but life through the spirit.

I guess prayer is to learn more about this life through the spirit. and really experience it again.

Just because I'm confused doesn't mean I've given up. Sometimes it's easier to just give up when I don't understand because it's too overwhelming. but I'm not going to give up...

I still have faith in all this. Christian belief of having a "relationship" with God. I guess I just am realizing that something isn't right and I'm done faking or pretending. I'm going to wrestle with God until we have a real connection.