Repentance from the Future
Every year I look back on my old self and can't help but think "man, Rebekah last year was messed up" as the Holy Spirit is renewing me daily, I'm shedding alot of my old identity and putting on the new. God has changed the way I look, dress, act, speak, think, etc. He's taken away bitterness and replaced it with joy. Instead of chasing after worldly things for satisfaction, I can come into His presence to be filled. How I use my time has changed. My relationships with people have changed. Everything is changing into the person God intended me to be.
And then I wonder how different I will be a year from now.
Pastor Ben Shin, from GLDI, told us that one of the most important prayers that we can pray is "LORD, have mercy on us" I heard a bajillion things during hours and hours of lectures and sermons during my 40 days there, but this phrase really caught my attention. He didn't really explain much why it was important, so I wanted to know. I asked Holy Spirit to give me greater revelations on this prayer.
Sometimes we live in sin and we either don't know, don't care, care but feel powerless. Growing up I've definitely experienced all three attitudes, and when I look back at my past self sometimes I'm horrified with the things that I've done. And the crazy thing is that some of the things that now I would never do, back then I thought that it was perfectly okay. I was so blinded and numb to so many things that were breaking God's heart and was leading me to destruction.
But the moment God opened my eyes, and I started repenting, things started to change. It's like I could see things clearly and felt God smiling on me. I began to hunger and thirst for His righteousness. However, repentance isn't always something we do. Maybe because we are too prideful or blind to even know that we need to repent of. Maybe because we just don't want to or care enough. Maybe we don't even know how to repent.
God gave me an interesting revelation about a year ago through the book "Heaven is for Real" that God is not bound by time. Growing up I always knew that, but the book really made me think about it in terms of prayer. We pray for our future selves alot, but we hardly ever pray for our past selves. However, if God is not above time, He sees us in the past, us now, and us in the future.
I started praying for my past self more. At first it was mostly to help past Rebekah from discouragement. If I was going through a difficult situation I knew that there was someone in the future praying for me, someone who knew how the situation would turn out. It gave me a lot of peace cause I knew that everything was going to be okay.
Lately, I've been taking it further to repentance. Interceding for my past self because at the time she was not spiritually mature enough to understand that what she was doing was wrong. Asking God to have mercy on her and be patient with her. And from that I've learned that wow...God's love never changes. He loved me then, He loves me now (even though future Rebekah is probably like I'm so messed up now), He loves me in the future. Cause he sees all of me. I'm probably not doing some things that I'm supposed to now or I'm doing some things wrong, but I know that future Rebekah is repenting on my behalf and asking God to open my eyes. I'm thankful for His patience and His mercy. I can also wait for when God will open my eyes to see what I need to do. I trust that He is answering those prayers and the things that I am struggling with now, I know that He will help me overcome them. I know that He loves me and that He is pleased with me. He will bring me to my destiny, that is to be with Him forever.
In the past however, I didn't have that kind of confidence. In fact, many times I felt so far away from God. Sin blocks the fellowship we have with God. it's real stuff because even though I had a relationship with God, in the past because of sin I felt that wall, distance, emptiness, and sadness. We are powerless if we are not obeying His commands and having an intimate fellowship with Him. When we don't confess, we can't change from doing things that are not pleasing to God, we become doubtful and we lack confidence in our fellowship with God. But repentance frees us. When we say sorry I messed up, it was my fault, please forgive me, I want to change. We can accept His forgiveness and be renewed through the Holy Spirit!
As I write this, I'm also reading a journal entry from a year ago. I was so lost during that time. Discouraged. Ashamed and felt abandoned. Yet for some reason I kept holding onto to God's love for me. I knew then that even though at the time I was pretty much useless in the kingdom of God, future Rebekah is doing some damage. God is be proud of her. He sees her and me at the same time. In my journal last year I wrote this "What does it truly mean to be humble and repent." Though she may not understand then, I will pray for her now. And I believe that God will hear it and will lead her to the truth. He already has.
Dear God,
Please be patient with that girl. Please be kind to her. She doesn't know that what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't know how much it breaks your heart and how it's leading her to destruction. Before things get worse please open her eyes to see and her ears to listen to You. Sometimes she doesn't want to listen. She says she'll get it together later. Please put the fear of the LORD in her heart. Even if she doesn't care or if she's too prideful to admit it, please have mercy on her. I'm sorry for what she's doing. Please help her change. She's afraid to let go of certain things. Help her to trust in you. Forgive her for all the excuses she makes and her pride. It's her fault, help her to own up to it. She feels so far from you, but please help her endure. Remind her that Your love for her never changes, even if she feels as though she is undeserving of it. Your love never changes.
Love,
Rebekah
