Mid 20's

When I'm sad
does my skin turn blue?
it doesn't show
though inside it's true

I can't not smile
it's harder not to pretend
this is my normal
my old friend

I'm too young to complain
too old to change my ways
stuck in the middle
lost in the haze

Another day has passed
feels like it's gone to waste
responsibilities weigh me down
tomorrow arrives in a haste

Though some days are slow
too slow for my young taste
but I'm too old, too tired to change
another day has gone to waste.

Long Christmas Letter

12/25/15

Dear God,

Merry Christmas! These days I feel like if I journal I won't read it because right now I'm too lazy and unmotivated to do anything. But maybe one day when I'm older and wiser, I will and have a good chuckle.

I think I'm having somewhat of an identity crisis again after coming to Rosemead. my sense of belonging is zip and I'm not motivated to keep up with relationships, though a part of me also wants to. I wish hanging out with friends came more naturally like it did in college, but I guess now I need to be more intentional or accept that there are certain people for certain seasons of my life and the rest I guess I'll just like/heart their posts on social media.

These days I miss my friend ___ a lot. We were kind of tight this year. Strange how that's the case. I guess some people are meant to stay in your life even when it seems as though they shouldn't. We don't live in the same area. We don't plan on meeting up. I don't really keep in consistent contact with anyone else from ____, but I wonder why we did.

I've been thinking about destiny. and I really like this concept of fate or destiny. It suits my personality. being more go with the flow and less of a planner. I don't know if it's something that I want to believe or something that is actually true. but nonetheless. perhaps this concept of destiny comforts me.

I don't like to think deeply about things because it takes too much brain work. Sometimes I come across as aloof, but I'm actually very much aware of what's happening around me and I tend to think deeply about things. people are fascinating. perhaps that's why I seek to understand people. but the more I seek, the less I seem to know. and the more I do, the less I actually want to be around people.

So perhaps it's better that I don't know. I'm not sure how far I want to go in this field of psychology. how much I want to know about pathology. but I hope that you protect my heart and keep it soft. we all start with good intentions. but we often forget why we even started in the first place. humans are forgetful like that. I hope that as much as I hate getting humbled. that I stay humble. and seek you for wisdom in all this craziness we call life.

In the midst of all these experiences, I always takeaway golden nuggets of truth. From my experience at Rosemead. I guess in a roundabout way, I've learned to experience emotions. to not bury or avoid them. but to feel the good and bad. to sit with disappointments, pain, heartache, sadness, and sufferings.

I hope that through all this God, we can together, with the people around me, truly embody integration of the study of the human soul here and of your eternal plan for us. your kingdom and the world you loved so much. to be real and loving in all this. as frustrating as it is for me. to remember love.

God. Father. Godfather. lol. but anyways. Father forgive me. for I have sinned against you in many ways. but for the past years specifically, I have been passive and apathetic. knowing what is right but unable to live it out. loving what is bad and ignoring what is good. my love at times cold.

But I trust that you will finish the good work you began in me. all I have to do is stay close to you. I remember, years ago, writing similar things in my journal and you brought me out of that place. but also knowing now that the wilderness is an integral part of my story as well. we live and we learn. and through and by your son Jesus there is grace and truth. I could have been born before this time, but perhaps it was your love for me and my destiny to be born after Jesus's time on earth. Because had I been born in the OT (old testament), I probably would have been smitten by now. but I wasn't born then, I was born now.

So going back to this concept of destiny. During ___, I tried to avoid _____. thinking that if I avoid him, then it'll save me from heartbreak. but perhaps I was destined to like him, and get to know him, and get my heart broken. perhaps that was not something to have been avoided. because three years later, it has happened. I couldn't escape.

I guess now, I have to deal with it. no judgment to myself and my foolish ways and breaking my "rules to prevent heartbreak." experience the longing and the rejection and the disappointment. and in the midst of it all, still have hope in you God for redemption and restoration. and trust in you with all my heart that the story you planned for me. that my destiny does not end in heartbreak and disappointments.

but that you will fulfill the desires of my heart. and that the desires of my heart will be pleasing to you.

Love,
Rebekah

Day 40

Commencement

I am the queen of procrastination for a reason ^^"
HAHAHAHAHA three years later I am FINALLY writing the last post. so on day 40 I'm supposed to write about the last days of GLDI, such as the awesome talent show and the commencement. but now that's in my distant memory. I thought I would end this with an update of what has happened since then.

SO MUCH has happened...

Honestly, I can say that I am so so so glad that I went to GLDI and am a part of the network. I barely remember the material that I've learned and have gained like 15 pounds since then (obv not keeping up with the physical disciplines) but the relationships I've gained have been priceless. The reunions, official and unofficial, since the end of the 40 days have been amazing. I still talk to some of the people from GLDI and literally have been encouraged by them as recently as today. We still pray for each other and remind each other to continue in the faith just as it was spoken over us the first days into the program.

Also the crazy thing is that a year later, I returned to Southern California. Sarang the church I visited during the program is the church I've been attending now for the past year and a half.  Rosemead the School of Psychology that I heard in passing from the GLDI staff Angela and Dr. Ben Shin is the school I attend now, training to become a psychologist. If it weren't for this program, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.

GOD AND HIS PLANS. Seriously....
During GLDI I'm all like ummmmm God, what is my calling. what am I supposed to do after I graduate. and God's like you are exactly where you need to be right now...

Here's the thing though. These past two years in gradschool, here in SoCal have been probably the hardest two years of my life on a whole 'nother level.

Three years ago in my GLDI blog. I wrote in my ridiculousness that I would "blow up" the field of psychology and change counseling. but in reality psychology blew up me. I was humbled. the way I viewed spiritually and emotions and life and people was wrecked. and over the years slowly being constructed. At times I am so disorientated. like who am i. where am i. what time period am I in. what am I even doing here?

Never was that attached to my family. but these past two years I've missed them so much. leaving them after each visit was heart breaking. my best friend who I've been so close with since I was 4 years old. being apart is heart breaking. Not having the familiar community here in SoCal on top of the grueling amount of training that I was going through. yes heart breaking.

Spiritual disciplines at some points were non-existent. Battling through bitterness. Whenever someone referred to me as a "prayer warrior" like I was in the old days. I was like noooopppe don't call me that. I'm not even a prayer peasant at this point.

But through it all, God was with me. He never left my side. Even though my "spirituality" was at an all time low. I never felt dry because His presence was with me. And I kept telling myself that God doesn't hate me. He loves me. His plans for me are good. For His namesake. And for my good.

After I got my Masters, I seriously contemplated dropping out of my program and not continuing for the Doctorate. not because I was falling behind in my training, in fact in my evaluations/grades I was doing surprisingly/ annoyingly well. but because (i know this sounds super ungrateful educational wise, given my opportunities and those who really want this chance...) but I REALLY DON'T CARE about academics or having the title Dr. So. Yet, I've tasted the privilege of therapeutic work and know I still have so much to learn. plus I've also acquired a massive amount of student loan debt that there's no turning back. So, I half reluctantly came back to finish my training.

Three years ago, I wrote in my blog to keep studying in the field of psychology "keep me accountable! and pray for me please. don't forget Rebekah. this is a commitment that you actually need to keep". After I just read that oh man tears just came out of my eyeballs. And I said to myself. Ok, I will. I'll do it.

And then I said to the Holy Spirit. Okay. We once did the impossible (for me) by running two miles without stopping. Let's run three more miles (three more years until the doctorate) together.

Only God knows if I will be able to make it. Who knows what the reasons for me being in SoCal are. what His plans for me are in the field of psychology. Why the person who least wants to get a doctorate has been given the opportunity and abilities to do so.

But I trust God that in the end it'll be worth it.
And pray that I'll enjoy the journey.

Compassion Sunday 2015

Happy Compassion Sunday!!

Just wanted to share how legit Compassion is.
I've been sponsoring a child from India since Aug of 2011. At the time I was a broke college student and literally only had 26 cents in my bank account, but trusted that I would get the money to sponsor cause God lurrrvs the children! A week later I got an email for a part-time tutoring job.  And since then I've sponsored two more children, one from Bolivia and the other from Uganda.

In addition to the monetary sponsorship, I get write to them and get a letter from each one of them about every 2 months. and it's so encouraging to read their letters. especially if I had a long or hard day.

Divya (India, 10 years old)

She's so sweet, faithful, and studious. In each of her letters she tells me that she prays for me everyday!! which is impressive. haha I try to pray for her more but I forget. this little girl is a much better intercessor than I am. it's also super cool to hear from her some of the things she learns from her center and the things that she receives if I give her like an additional birthday, family, or Christmas donation  (dress, cake, money for school).

Jhon (Bolivia, 11 years old)

Jhon is also super sweet, smart, and so grateful. This what he wrote in one of the letters.
"I thank you for your beautiful letter, and that beautiful picture. I was so excited, I even cried, with the gift I bought a pair of tennis shoes and a pair of pants."

"My family and I are fine because the Lord is always taking care of his kids." <--- OH MAN. this sentence is so deep. had to meditate on this one.

George (Uganda, 10 years old)

George!! haha he cracks me up because he is so specific in his letters. He literally breaks down for me everything that he gets from the monetary gifts including what his mom bought with it and how much it costs. (bread, 30 kg of maize flour, a school bag, 3 soda bottles, sports wear, 10 bars of soap, 1kg of rice, salt, and balloons) it's amazing how much can be bought there with $20.


Sponsoring these children is literally the best thing I could do with my money and time.

If you want to sponsor a child and can commit to it. here's the link below. and a video that made me cry (a child and her family's reaction to finally receiving a sponsor)

  http://www.compassion.com/default.htm

https://vimeo.com/107082331

OH SNAP! CS LEWIS

“I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I’m ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don’t accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic — on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg — or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Birthday

​Dear God,

Thank you for a great birthday. I felt blessed and it was very relaxing. even though i spent the night watching how to train your dragon 2 and cleaning my room. I'm glad because it was very simple. I like simple and clean things. Things that are simple and clean but also beautiful. I hope to be that way too. 

I remember in high school on my birthday I got in trouble lying to my bio teacher. and that birthday I wrote this bitter entry about how birthdays are overrated and emotional because you expect it to be a great day and get disappointed when it's not. I think over the years maybe I repressed my desires and wants so deeply from the fear of disappointment that I don't even have a conscious access of them anymore. But you know me and you know my true heart. thank you that I felt loved today. 

I think over the years, especially when I've been hurt so much when I was younger by people, I guess I developed this internal sense that I can't trust people or that people don't like me or care about me. Alot of people that have wished me happy birthday at times I assumed that they don't like me when in fact it seems the opposite. alot of people who I thought forgot about me showed that they still consider me. even though people can say and do hurtful things. they can also surprise you in good ways. I was surprised and touched by people today. I hope to get to a point of true confidence and humility so that I can truly shine the way that you intended me to. and love the way that you have designed me to love. 

I struggle so much with love and other good things. but just because I struggle does not mean I have failed. To give up is to fail. But those who persevere will always have hope. They will rise out of the struggling with character and strength. 

For the things that truly matter.

Never Give Up. 

And thank you for never giving up on me these past 24 years

-Rebekah 

Still

Prayer room journaling. 


I come before you still.
Defeated, wounded, broken
quiet and weak
I have nothing much to offer you
But still I am here before you
Still I am here

Still I believe in you Jesus
I can't say that I have fully obeyed you
or loved you with all my heart
I can't say that I have always seeked you
But still I am here

I have failed many times
I have stumbled alot along the way
I have been bitter and discouraged
I have been foolish and wicked
But still I am here

Besides to you, where will I go?
Who else can I turn to?
Who else can save me LORD?
I am here before you
Do not turn your face from me
Restore my soul
Still you will finish the good work you began in me

I cannot promise you anything
But I rely on your promises
That you will never leave me or forsake me
Despite all the changes
Still you are here with me

Nothing can separate us and
as long as we are together
There is still hope.


---

 I would have to say that my time in grad school, for the past year and half, has been the longest most unfruitful, discouraging, and powerless spiritual season since my encounter with God and "transformation" in Korea, 2011.  I've been through times like this but never to this extent. I've stopped caring and lacked the desire to pursue. I have become complacent and cowardly. and in these past years there have been certain circumstances and disappointments in my life that I caused me to be struggle with some bitterness and unbelief. The worst feeling is that my passion for God will never be stirred up again. that this is just how my life will be from now on.

"Prayer warrior Rebekah" or "small group leader Rebekah" or "Rebekah who prays for healing" is no longer recognizable. instead replaced with thoughts like I can't believe I used to do that. I can't believe I was so loving at one point or bold. I can't believe I used to pray for hours. How the hell did I fast for 3 days, I can barely fast one meal now. I can't believe I used to read 20 chapters of the bible. when now I can barely read one chapter a week. who knew I would become like this...

God knew. and yet He still chose me.
God knew when I said I will always love you. that meant I will love you for a couple of months and then love something else more. God knew when I said your presence is better than food. that I would later on I would rather stuff my face than fast and pray for breakthrough.
God knew and yet He still loves me.

at retreats people would expect words of encouragements from me and in the past I would be like yeah I see this and this. on point. what not what not. but last year it was like uhhh sorry....I did not get anything for you....
or would you pray for healing? in the past breakthrough, miracles, faith increased! but now its like....sure.....[nothing happens].....uhhh....why don't you ask someone else....

I compare myself to the past alot. which is probably not helpful. focusing on the present is important. how God is working in me now. in my time of spiritual confusion.
over the years people have sensed more stability. I agree too. I feel alot more grounded. probably became more mature. deepened my roots. learning to persevere it out during the difficult times. learned to depend on God more. definitely was spiritually humbled.

but something still doesn't seem quite right. I feel stuck. and lost to be quite honest.

I was talking with someone I care alot about a month ago. she hadn't been going to church for awhile. there were alot of things about Christianity that turned her off and she was thinking about renouncing her faith in Jesus altogether. she seemed to agree more with the teachings of Buddha.
it's better than going to church and pretending, she said.

our commitment to the church and to Jesus is like a marriage. just because there isn't passion doesn't mean we should break the commitment. however, merely staying with someone for the sake of commitment and not experiencing any passion is not healthy either. we should experience a relatively continual state of enjoyment and passion within a commitment.

I honestly don't take stances on many things. I'm pretty objective most of the time and don't really have alot of strong opinions. I've been like the opposite of "crazy for Jesus" this past year. but I know this for sure. more sure than I know that the sun will rise tomorrow morning. that God is real. and He sent His son Jesus Christ to forgive us of our sins, so that we can be restored back to Him and be with Him forever. it's not a teaching that "works for me". but something that is true for the world. I still believe in Jesus. it doesn't matter how strong you are. as long as you still believe there is hope.

you can't force yourself to believe. you can't try to stir up passion on your own.

but if you cry out to God. He will help you. He will never leave or forsake you.

it literally took me like 2 minutes to get that last phrase out to her, I was bawling. because I think I need to hear that too. I need God's help now. to enjoy being with Him. to have that passion for the things that matter. watch. He will answer soon. of course soon for God could be very different from my definition of soon. but I know that as long as I keep crying out to God, He will answer.

Because He still loves me.