Everything is Temporary

Dear God,

Last night I got an email that my doc paper finally was approved. This paper has been the bane of my existence for the past 4-5 years. Literally nights of crying and screaming into pillows. But now it's done and, as expected, it's anticlimactic. I wrote in my previous entry that if everything works out will I be happy?

I think as I'm out here and everything is coming to an end - everything I thought I wanted will start to happen (moving back, graduating) - I'm realizing that my true joy is found in being with you. Because everything in life is temporary and not as glamorous as it seems.

I remember there was a weekend in college when I thought I had everything and got to do everything I wanted to do - but I still felt as though something was missing. I still wasn't satisfied.

I'm not at a stage where I feel completely joyful or euphoric. my current mood is somewhat tired but at peace. I am learning to appreciate and balance once again life as a gift and a mission. Learning to just be with you and being content in the good works you have planned for me.

I still remember the last message P.Erin preached at EMMAUS (college group I went to at Yonsei while I was studying abroad). She preached that everything in life is temporary and if there was one thing we could takeaway it was to remember our commitment with God. That was 7 years ago - and I feel as though my faith has been tested like crazy since then. But I'm glad that my time here in Kanas is reminding me once again of what's truly important.

In group therapy today we talked about the fleeting nature of happiness. For some they want to hold onto the happiness and fear/avoid/deny the pain. For others the ups and downs of happiness and pain is too exhausting or disappointing that they rather just stay down or cynical. I have had both experiences in my life and hope now to accept that pain in life is inevitable so I won't have to be afraid of it. To be able to allow myself to enjoy the good times and persevere through the bad. And in it to find comfort in the one who remains steady and faithful through it all.

You will always be my joy.

All I have is Christ

So recently, I came across this picture on Instagram..

and I guess it was supposed to be this cute picture with the message of "trust God. what he has is way bigger and better"..

but the picture didn't make me more hopeful or trusting...instead I was telling God that I don't want bigger or better. I don't want to lose what I am already loyal to. I'd much rather have the little teddy bear that I already love than a bigger one.

In high school my dog, Licky (weird name. I know I was 9 when I named him..) died prematurely at the age of 5 (he was mauled by another dog). And about a year later I got another dog (my current dog Toby) and Toby I do admit is a much better behaved dog than Licky. and I love Toby so much, but I was telling God that I don't care. I still miss Licky. I never wanted to lose him in the first place for another dog that's "better." I remember like years later in grad school just randomly crying over the loss of Licky one night. so sad how I lost him and over the tragic circumstances of his death. wishing that it never happened. wishing other losses in my life didn't have to happen.

And recently I'm going through losses as I have relocated to Kansas and due to other circumstances. some not that devastating but one sig relationship recently that has been more devastating. and so I was telling God that currently I don't even have a bear. I gave you my bear years ago. and I've been waiting for this new "better and bigger" bear but I keep getting these bears that get taken away. and now I picture myself just sitting there alone on the floor crying without a bear.

And then it came to me that maybe the whole point is not about having a bear but about being with Jesus. oh i see..it's not about the bear, it's about Jesus.. the bear was taken away not so my arms could be free for a bigger bear but my arms would be free to give Jesus a hug. and then I tried to imagine myself giving Jesus a hug...

but at the time I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to hug Jesus. in fact there were too many things weighing on me to see Jesus. instead I felt darkness around me. still sitting alone on the floor crying about not having my bear that I couldn't even see Jesus. I knew the enemy was between me and Jesus but I couldn't fight my way to Jesus. I'll let the enemy win this battle...I'm too tired to care anymore...

and I thought should I be fighting to be with Jesus? in like superhero movies it seems as though the person being rescued really doesn't do much...I mean I tend to respect the characters more who at least tries to fight instead of just standing there screaming...but even if they didn't try, in the end the superhero always ends up saving them. it's on the hero to save, not the rescuee. it's on Jesus to save me. I am his responsibility. salvation is not by my works.
but I wondered if there was something I could do, not necessarily to be saved, but just to be with Jesus..

the next day (today) I felt as though I had to visit the Forerunner Christian Fellowship (IHOP sunday service) because God had a word for me there. I really am not that sensitive to God's voice these days but once in awhile I just know. and today was one of those days..

it was my first time there and instantly I was like whoa..the presence is strong here. and today Allen Hood and Corey Russell were preaching together on spiritual friendship (sermon link). it was a timely word because on the way there I was thinking that I don't know where I'm going to end up (geographically) and if I keep moving around I'm going to lose all the friends eventually and end up alone..

but that wasn't what really got to me. what really got to me was the presence and the power that was there as Allen was preaching today with Corey (I've heard Allen and Corey preach separately a few times before and lemme tell you something was def different today). like I felt like I got a glimpse of heaven in that place! the last time I remember feeling this way was at New Philly 7 years ago, when I was like I'm having so much fun at sunday service. I was like what?? how is listening to a sermon at church so fun! there was no place I would have rather been.

in that moment it felt as though the words of eternal life were being spoken. I literally just wanted them to keep preaching forever. I kinda understand how people listened to Jesus speak for days.
and in that moment I didn't care about the bear. I started to want Jesus.

And as Allen Hood was praying and ministering over people, I wanted to be seen by Jesus. It reminded me of when Zacchaeus (Luke 19) climbed the tree to see Jesus and Jesus saw him. Those who were desperate to see Jesus were seen by him. And I wondered what is this tree that I am to climb..

When I got home, I was thinking about my time here in Kansas. And on the surface it is quite difficult not to feel sorry for myself (as noted in my previous melancholy entries). I'm pretty much isolated here with no family or friends...the past is fading, the future uncertain. and in that moment I felt as though Jesus was my only close friend.

and so I sang these two lines
Hallelujah, all I have is Christ
Hallelujah, Jesus is my life 

I sang it over and over again. and added a few lines of my own. Remix! 
and I felt the darkness fade because the enemy hates worship! it probably sounds worse than nails on chalkboard to them. they flee in the presence of true worship.

and then i was like oh! I guess that's what I can do (to my earlier question). worship.
to not be discouraged by my sins and bitterness. but to keep seeking after God's heart. keep praying into my circumstances. and when all hope is lost. SING.

it is true that God brought me out here because he loves me. to heal me. but in the most unexpected ways because to do so, I have to first DIE. die to the notion that my goal in life is to build a world where I don't need Jesus. A world where Jesus is just the cherry on top.

and have my eyes opened to see that Jesus is my world.

Whenever I'm reading the Bible and have questions, I ask the Holy Spirit and he usually finds some way to answer them. So earlier this year as I was reading about Jesus being anointed by a woman at Bethany (Matthew 26) I asked him why this passage was so important (it's in all four gospels). and so important that Jesus said that "truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

I think her action of pouring out the costly perfume for Jesus is the picture of our relationship with him. In love, God gave all for us and in gratitude we give all of us to him. and he becomes our all. And God knows the costs, he acknowledges those who give their all for him.

the world sees the rich man as being fortunate. but in the word of God the rich man does not see God while the beggars do. because the beggars have nothing but God. 

I had this one homeless client, who truly had nothing. literally no possessions (they kept getting stolen), no friends, no family. and I found myself thinking then wow...his life really sucks.

but I remember the way his face lit up when he talked about God. how God was his truly his everything.

and thinking now that he is truly blessed. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" 

and as am I, for God loved me enough to protect me from the lies of the enemy and to see what is truly worth living for. And I admit that I will most likely forget this truth and fall into the lies over and over again. but that's what community is for, to help remind me of truth. and for me to always depend on God through prayer. and when I find myself in darkness, to sing songs of worship. God will protect me until the very end.

And as I'm falling asleep, I imagine the scene again. and this time I am being embraced by Jesus and as I'm thinking that I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything else, a new song comes to me.

In the arms of Jesus is where I want to be
In the arms of Jesus is the perfect place to be

And I've finally found the home I've been longing for.

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"The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." 

I will remember you

Intercessory prayer is a funny thing...

I went to the IHOP prayer room today and on my way out I saw this sign for prayer requests and in it was a bunch of printed out prayer requests. The sign said to take one and pray for this person daily for a week. The first sheet in the stack was this prayer request of this person struggling with a blood disorder and has been depressed for months.

The word that stood out to me was depressed. as I too have been struggling with depression and this week in particular it has been at its all time worst. so I had compassion for this person who was also reporting to be depressed.

I took the sheet and told myself that I can't forget to pray for this person daily. And so I started praying on the car ride home before I had the chance to forget.

it's funny how in my weakest moments I stopped interceding for others. because my thoughts were that how could I pray for another person when I am barely hanging on myself. I have no strength or desire to carry the burdens of another person. 

But as I was praying for this person, afterwards I realized that all the things I prayed over this person were also the things that I should be praying over myself. it was as if praying for someone else gave me a new perspective on how I could be approaching my also seemingly hopeless situation. 

And one of the things I prayed for this person was that they would remember what God has done for them. That after God answers their prayer they would remember and give thanks.

it reminded me of a poem I wrote 5 years ago

Excitement turns to nostalgia

Anxiety to peace

The things we desire

Pass away in a blink of an eye

What we wait for in patience

Bursts like fireworks in the sky

Only for a moment

What we ask for we receive

To be forgotten, so that we may ask of more

But give thanks to the Lord

Never forget the good things He has done for you

For His love endures

His love endures

During blessings and sufferings

Give thanks in times of blessing

For it is what you desire

Give thanks in times of suffering

For it is what makes you grow

People come and go

The place you once called home

Is no longer yours

But God has never left you

For His love endures

Give thanks to the Lord

For He is good

His love endures forever

I think one of the Israelites greatest mistakes was that after God freed them from slavery in Egypt they soon forgot what he had done for them. They cried out to God for years and years to free them and then like goldfish they forgot! what they had been praying and contending for years, in a moment was gone. even after all the wonders and miracles they had witnessed. there was something new to complain about, something new to ask for. there will always be something else in life.

I am not one to judge them because I do the very same things. I can only learn from their mistakes. And so I went through and proclaimed all the answered prayers that I could think of:

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers for my stomach issues. I can now eat normally and have the energy to do things.
I will remember you

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers for clear skin. I struggled with acne for 9 years. but now it's a lot better.
I will remember you

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers to pass comps and proqual and get matched for internship
I will remember you

etc.

The acne one really gets to me cause I remember looking at myself in the mirror and crying and thinking that if only I had clear skin I would be happy. And praying for years for my acne to go away. and once God answered. I was grateful for like 1 sec and then had something else to cry about.

Right now I have been contending for something for years as well. and it has caused a lot of pain in my life. that at times I feel as though I have been abandoned by God. because after each year goes by and the pain does not subside, it becomes more and more hopeless.

The second to last stanza in the poem amazes me

People come and go

The place you once called home

Is no longer yours

But God has never left you

For His love endures

because when I wrote that in 2012, I had no idea that I would be leaving Maryland the place I once called home. and would be losing and gaining friendships. I had no idea that I would be leaving California and feel so alone in Kansas. and to feel as though I don't have a place to call home. 

but as I was reading the intro to the book of Matthew yesterday. something really stood out to me. It said "At the beginning of the book, Jesus is given the name Immanuel, meaning 'God with us.' At the end, Jesus sends his followers onto the world with the promise that surely I am with you always."

God is with us from the beginning to the end. Always. In this fallen world, it is only he who can promise that. no one else.

this has been one of the most painful weeks of my life but also the best thing that has ever happened to me. because through it I was desperate in seeking God.

I have faith that God will answer my prayer. because I have no other option than to have unwavering faith. but more important than the answered prayer. is to remember the one who is always with me.

I will remember you. 

Even when it hurts

So my last post was more hopeful and trusting. This one is not really going to be that way but I think I intentionally wanted to write this when things are not looking up. To share and be open about my struggles and validate the experiences of times when things do not seem to be getting better...sometimes they get worse. This post is gonna be long and somewhat raw and messy cause I'm still in the process of trusting God.

So in my last post I wrote about the sunflower. The sunflower that was supposed to be strong, tall, and healthy. The sunflower that was supposed to represent me. My growth. My faith. My healing.

And then within the first two weeks of me being in Kansas. The sunflower plant died....like died beyond repair. Plant killah Rebekah strikes again. And I'm like shit.......that sunflower is supposed to be me. Omg....is God tryna kill me??? (metaphorically)

Then later that month my friend sends me this sermon by P.Brian called Welter and Waste and I am getting ministered by it cause I'm not in such a jolly season. and in it he's saying stuff like, God's gonna kill you, you gon die. (okay I'm not providing a lot of context lol. don't misunderstand it's a good sermon). And I'm like watching it thinking like omg I'm gonna die.

And not die like actual death. I would actually much rather prefer that. but I know that it's not my time yet to leave this earth.  And in this post later I'm gonna get real about my own struggles with depression.

I wasn't really sure what kind of death this "I'm gonna die" is referring to. but I'm guessing it's like a dying to myself. yeah that sounds right. but I'm not really sure HOW God is planning to lead me to die to myself. and I'm quite stubborn and rebellious. like Jonah level. so I'm going down kicking and screaming. thinking my God....what is going to be the whale that swallows me whole until I finally repent. I'm terrified. and then I'm probably going to repent and be like nevermind God just kidding! I didn't really die to myself I just said that to get out of the whale. I'm still alive and wanting to live for myself. Just give up on me God. choose someone else. JEHBAL (please). I don't need suffering to share in glory. I don't care about glory. I'm all about minimum effort. I want to get into heaven like just a little above barely level.

I was reading through my old blog posts. and I'm like damn...that young Rebekah was so faithful and willing to surrender her life for God. I don't know as I've gotten older if I've become more selfish or I was just selfish all along and now I've just become more honest about my selfishness...

So I came to Kansas about a month ago. not happy about it. but taking the words and prayers from my community who assured me that I will be fine and will have no problem adapting and making new friends. Excited for me! they said. and I was like okay okay maybe it won't be that bad. and I know that I'm called to be here. it'll be worth it in the end.

But this past month I want to say has been the hardest month of my entire life...I have never felt so weak and so alone..

My lovely stomach inflammation gastritis came back in full force along with bronchitis. So I was literally coughing so hard my ribs were bruised and throwing up everything I was eating or drinking. At work puking my insides out. Ran out of trash bags. Throw up in my trash-bagless trash can. Coworkers see me carrying my big ass trash can to the bathroom where I'm like scrubbing out my puke for like 30 min in the bathroom sink....

It's sounds kinda of funny imagining this scenario now...but mann something about chronic health conditions that messes you up. like one min you're like it's okay it's gonna be okay and then the next you're breaking down crying like I can't do this anymore...

Idk if it's the combination of the adjustment, stress, health issues, relational issues, the fact that I live alone and don't know anyone here: yeah probably all that...but my depression has also come back in full force...

When I did therapy on skid row. I was surrounded by clients with some unimaginable struggles. Like their life dreams and goals were to simply have a stable place to live alone; they would content with that. So they whipped some perspective in me. But as time went on that perspective faded.

And now I'm with clients...these college kids...where I'm thinking damn...I'm their therapist...but I'm worse off emotionally than them. Like I'm more depressed than my clients...

And don't get me wrong. that does sound concerning. but I assure you I keep it together for them and my emotional symptoms aren't negatively affecting my functioning and work.

But my physical symptoms were...like I can't be coughing my lungs out during sessions and throwing up. So literally after the trash can situation on Thursday. I was like GOD. you literally have until tomorrow to heal me or I'm quitting my internship and going home. I was so serious. And secretly hoping I had an excuse to get out of here.

Ugh.................but God really wants me here huh...

The next day I have this incredible willpower to get my shit together and finally go on that bland diet my doctors have been recommending and that I've been ignoring for months. So yes this gastritis is partly due to my stubbornness and rebellion. Like I'll just eat that burger and Cheetos instead of this oatmeal and suffer the consequences. And I'm like complaining about how I rather be able to eat what I want and not suffer the consequences. like why are there consequences in the first place (i'm the kid who failed the marshmallow test).

For the past 4 days I have been sticking to that bland diet and have not thrown up and my cough is nearly gone...

But the melancholy mood is still here. The distress. The pain.

I've been struggling with depression all my life. It comes and goes. and thankfully it doesn't interfere much with my functioning. cause I've learned how to keep it together and mask it at times. the people who use humor a lot. I'm guessing we're the ones who struggle with sadness.

I read in a developmental textbook that girls who go through puberty early are much more likely to struggle with depression later (I went through it at age 9). on top of my history of getting bullied because of my race. and throw in the fact that I have PCOS (women with polycystic ovary syndrome are more likely to be depressed and/or anxious). and I'm an INFP (personality type most prone to depression). it's like the perfect storm.

three things I noticed that tend to trigger my depressed mood the most are  1) isolation: having a stable community and close friends in my proximity is something that's important to me. and so moving to a new place again brings up a lot of painful experiences. 2) relational issues: when I fall for someone, I fall for them hard and it's like I forgot how to breath without them...ugh life is not a k-drama I know but I can't control my feelings... 3) health issues.

And so in the past few months I've been dealing with all three. I think since the first week of May I've been crying almost everyday. And sometimes you don't know why you cry. Sometimes you're walking outside thinking it's a beautiful day and then all the sudden you break down in uncontrollable sobbing. And even as I write this now I want to cry..

And in that pain there is a deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Like I'm a therapist I know somewhat how to treat depression. but I can't treat myself and I'm too poor to get therapy (it's quite expensive). and getting therapy doesn't necessarily make it better. I never considered antidepressants for myself before...but I'm getting to a point where I might consider it.

It's actually national suicide prevention week this week. so it's quite fitting to talk about this. the first thoughts I had of ending my life were in 8th grade. idk why at that ripe age I thought my life was not worth living. but I thought about taking an entire bottle of Tylenol then. which I hear now actually won't kill you. but back then I thought it did. and thankfully I didn't go through with it.

Suicide. I grew up hating it more than anything else. I thought it was the most selfish and terrible way to die if you had family and loved ones. The pain and scars you would leave behind to them. But in more recent weeks I began to understand it more. And to assure those reading, I have no plans or intent to end my life. Just being open about these thoughts.

I think there are times when the pain becomes unbearable and the hopelessness overwhelming. that the rational mind goes out the window. in that moment your family and loved ones fade away. and all you want to do is find an end to your suffering. it's almost like a weird survival mechanism. like reverse survival to find peace.

And what is more puzzling and confusing and hurtful to me. Is why believers, more often than we realize or talk about, struggle with this. We talk about how we find peace in God. but there are times when we cry out to God day and night and are still in agony.

And in those moments of deep pain and sorrow. it's so hard to trust. to hope. to have faith. so hard to praise sincerely. and currently I am battling and going through cycles where I am yelling at God in bitterness to smite me and questioning why he let me be born into this world if this was his will for me and why he created me to be so stubborn and rebellious in the first place. I weep at the thought of how heartbroken my parents would be if they really knew how much I was suffering. I wonder if God's heart also breaks for me and if so why was this his will.

And times of peace will follow after times of bitterness, and I feel God comforting me. reminding me that he is with me. and the cycle continues over and over again. where with each wave that comes by I want to just drown and be done with it.

I wrote a poem in the prayer room that quite dark and angsty but captures the sentiment:

Tears crusted down my face
Thinking not yet once again
Beyond the bitterness
Into a state of numbness
Where nothing matters anymore

I rather have you destroy me
Than to leave me barely breathing
Pulling me under the water
Only to pull me out again
Just leave me under I beg

God please save me.
I can't take anymore.
Please have mercy on me
I don't want to cry anymore.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I didn't write this because I have it figured out and I'm going to end with this hopeful message of how everything is going to be okay and God is good.
I didn't share this as a cry for help. And for those reading this you can pray for me. I like prayers. I need prayer. but please don't feel the need to comment/text/call and check up on me. or say something to encourage me. oh please don't...

I wrote this to help me process and heal as I write. to be able to sit in the sorrow and acknowledge that this is something that I'm experiencing and it's nothing to hide or be ashamed of or feel as though I'm being over-dramatic about. and perhaps in the process provide some sort of encouragement to those reading and can relate in some way. to know that you are not alone. and to my future self who will look back on this post and hopefully say that this too shall pass.

I said I wasn't going to end with God is good but dammit that's what my fingers are writing.

God is good. Even when it hurts.

And those who have been hurt by him and say that, mean it. on some level there is more weight to the seemingly trite and overused statement "God is good" when you can still say that through all the pain. It's what the enemy cannot and will never understand. what he continues to fight in us to separate us from God, but cannot win. how though God allows the seemingly worst to happen, we can still say he is good.

He really must be good then..

Reflection Paper for my Integration Class

My last reflection paper I wrote for my integration class regarding integrative issues in my own training therapy.

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Integration Case Report 4- Personal therapy reflection

            Integrative issues in my personal therapy have been more salient than I imagined they would be when I began therapy during my second year at Rosemead. I particularly sought out a Rosemead graduate psychologist because I assumed that she would be Christian and it was important for me to have a Christian therapist so that I could discuss my faith in session comfortably.

 The issues and topics related to faith and my experience of my therapist as a Christian was different than I expected.  My therapist challenged me regarding my faith and at times I felt as though I had to defend myself. For example, I felt this sense that my therapist thought I was using religious defenses, much like I would consider some of my clients at Biola to be religiously defended. Or times I would say answers that appeared to sound too “Christianese” to her as she had this look on her face that she wasn’t buying it and would challenge my statements. In this way I felt guarded but it also made me wonder if I was actually being genuine about my faith and my beliefs; my therapist challenged how much I held onto beliefs that were taught in church and if it was something I genuinely wanted.

One of these examples was when I talked about my ex-boyfriend for about a year in therapy. The issue with my ex-boyfriend was that I thought that he was the love of my life, but I broke up with him and could not be with him because he is not a Christian. In church we learned as scripture says “do not be yoked with unbelievers” and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was explicitly discouraged by my former church leaders and peers. I reluctantly ended the relationship prior to beginning therapy and felt a sense of regret since then. I also assumed that my therapist, being a Christian, would also not be supportive about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who at the time I was debating if we should get back together. This conflict was causing me distress because of the moral tension and the uncertainty about my future with my ex-boyfriend as we were talking frequently at the time.

It was surprising to me that my therapist encouraged me to take the risk and tell my ex-boyfriend that I wanted to get back together with him. She seemed to not be fazed that he was not a Christian but instead seemed to be more focused on me pursing what I actually wanted. So I talked with my ex-boyfriend and it turned out that he was no longer interested in getting back together. It was painful but also freeing. I had spent the past three years, unable to get over him because I blamed everything on him not being a Christian (i.e., if only he were a Christian, we could be together, we are perfect in every other way), and I idealized him and our relationship. After being confronted that I could go after what I wanted, without being conflicted about his non-Christian status, and then have him be the one to not want to commit, I was finally able to move on from the relationship.

My discussions with my therapist regarding topics of faith allowed me to experience my faith with more freedom. It was in therapy that I was able to express at times my anger towards God and raw emotions that I have rarely experienced in the past. At one point I even mentioned that I feel like I don’t even know God at all, like what’s his favorite color? I think my therapist, who always appeared to value what is “real”, allowed me to desire a “real” or genuine relationship with God and reconsider what I actually believe and hold to be true. She didn’t give me the typical bible study or church answers but challenged me on what I believed and was not shocked when I brought in something raw or unconventional. I think from these experiences I learned that a part of integration is to be genuine with your emotions, values, and desires.               

Trust in the Process

Dear God,

As usual I start out my journal entries with: it's been awhile since I wrote to you. 

Right now I'm at Huntington Beach in California, and I wonder where I'll be in the future when I'm reading this again. 

A client once told me that even though she's not religious, she had a spiritual experience when she first came to the beach in California as she was in awe of the beauty of your creation. She said that in that moment she knew that there has to be a God. 

It's amazing how you created the land and the sea, the ocean breeze. 

These days I've been feeling pretty restless as I think about all the changes and transitions that will take place and all the work that needs to be done. And in the areas of finances and love, more so love, I find it difficult to trust you. I want to trust you God, but after every wave or the slightest sign of trouble, I cave. 

Practicing mindfulness right now.

Feeling the warmth of the sun, sand on my toes, breeze from the ocean.

Smelling the ocean air.

Hearing the sound of the waves.

Seeing the waves rolling in. 

and in this moment I have no cares or troubles

I feel at peace

just here, you and me. 

If you were to speak to me now

and I would open my heart to listen without fear.

What would I hear. 

"TRUST IN THE PROCESS.

I AM WITH YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY"

These days God I've been thinking about how in trusting you, I have to trust that you know me. that you not only know what's best for me, but that you know me. 

I've always hated when people say "God knows what's best for you" because often we relate to you the way we relate to our parents. 

My parents. I am grateful for them but at times I couldn't trust them because growing up they always tried to force what they thought was best for me onto me. and sometimes they were right, it actually ended up being the best for me, but in that I felt as though my desires were overlooked and that they didn't really know me or cared about what I wanted, which led to resentment or rebellion. 

But you God, you are not my parents. I have to trust - I want to trust - that you know me and know what I truly want. A part of me wants to say: give me the freedom, help me get what I want right now, and let me learn from my own mistakes. 

But I think it would be better instead to pray for discernment and wisdom. help me to discern what is best for me and be aligned with your will and actually have the wisdom to choose that for myself willingly. 

Love,

Rebekah

Internship thoughts

I was talking with my spiritual director today about what I've learned here during my time here at Rosemead and there's been so much but now that I'm in my fourth year (out of five) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I've been going back to the concepts of enjoying the present moment and trusting God.

These past couple of months consisted of the most difficult hurdles of the program. Comprehensive exams. Professional qualifying exams. Doctoral paper. Internship applications. Internship interview. and now waiting for match day when I get my internship results - determining where I will be for my final fifth year. I could stay here in SoCal. or have to move to Maryland, New York, Texas, Missouri, Kansas, or Utah.

so yeah...kinda life changing...

I have these moments where I'm like GOD FORBID WACO, TEXAS. and then imagining me reading this in the future from Waco, Texas laughing and crying hysterically. shivers*

so going back to enjoying the present moment. as I have been moving through the hurdles, I definitely feel a sense of relief overcoming each big thing. but after that big thing, there's always something else. and in some ways being done with each thing feels anti-climatic. like I thought I would be so happy after I finished everything. and I am of course. but not as happy as I thought I would be cause my mind and emotions jump to the next thing. even now I'm thinking it'll be great if I match, but as soon as I start internship, I'll have to start applying to post-doc or jobs afterwards. IT NEVER ENDS.

I also realized that I built up in my head that fourth year would be so crazy difficult that I would be miserable and have to endure the suffering, but as I accepted the pain and the amount of work that had to be done, I was also able to still find joy in life.

doing therapy at skid row definitely helped. like yeah I don't want to invalidate my struggles. but at the same time, after being with my clients, I was just happy that I had a bed and other basic resources. family. friends. a future. hope. managed to not have a severely traumatizing past... that gratitude and the realization of God's grace carried me through these past few months that were supposed to feel like hell.

As I am waiting for match day Feb 17th. oh WAITING. everyone's favorite thing to do right? as I am waiting and wrestling and praying with God. I told my spiritual director that I have expressed my desires to God but I have come to a place where I trust him and am open to wherever he takes me. a process that came with a lot of tears. like just 10 minutes ago I was crying. but in that I felt the tangible presence of God.

I think for me the hardest part is not the uncertainty or not matching (in that case I will go to Phase II and if I don't match in Phase II then I'll have to wait until the fall to apply again) but having to leave and move to a new place and start all over again.

so I tell God, that I will be so sad if I have to leave California. initially it was hard because I missed my family and friends in Maryland. but as I have made really good friends here, especially with my small group at church, I will be so heartbroken if I have to say goodbye.

I really hate saying goodbye to people (I like)....the worst.....

If I go back to Maryland it'll be hard but okay cause at least I have my family and some old friends there. but if I have to move to a new place and especially a place with NO H-MART in the vicinity. that'll be extra hard.

I'm getting older and less fond of change. LOL sound so old...but it's true. the thought of having to start over again is painful. remembering how difficult it was to adjust to California and then now that I'm happy here the very high possibility that I will have to move again and start over is like safjsalkfjalkjfsalfjslkfjsalfj.

this is when I have to remember God's faithfulness time and time again. that whatever happens it will be okay because he is good and he cares for me. and most importantly he is with me. through the good and bad. through the constant and the changes. wherever I go he is with me.

I think about the people in the Bible and the fact that many of them were frequently on the move. for whatever reasons God had them moving. to go to a better place? to stay dependent on him? to preach the good news?

honestly I just want a comfortable, simple life. my dream is very simple. to have my own place and two pugs. and a few good friends. maybe throw in a spouse. but that's all I want. or all I think I want.

living with an eternal perspective and for the kingdom of God though. I highly doubt that that's how my life will look. i don't know perhaps God loves me and those who around me or will connect with one day too much to let me live that simple life.

so it comes back down to trust. expressing my desires. knowing that he knows what's going on internally. knowing that he has compassion for me. but trusting that ultimately his wisdom is greater. my desires and wishes fluctuate and change frequently. my desire to stay in California is a drastic change from my desire to move back to Maryland only a year ago. who knows maybe I will end up liking a place like Waco, Texas. HAHAHAHAHAHA oh please no....

and so thinking about all this I was lying in my bed and I just sang the chorus to 10 thousand reasons. Bless the Lord oh my soul, ooooOoooh my soul, worship his holy name, sing like never before, oh my soul, and worship his holy name.

and in that I felt God's presence. and his peace. and even now as I am writing tears are coming to my eyes. and I don't know how I'll feel on Feb 17th - I'm sure a mix of emotions. but my prayer is that wherever I go, there will be joy waiting for me. And in the waiting, there will be joy.

God with us in the waiting and suffering

So today while I was watching Grey's Anatomy I fell asleep lol and had one of those intense naps where after you wake up you're like half asleep and half awake and then eventually you become wide awake and it's 1:36 in the morning and you're wide awake and you feel strange and existential.

I wanted to write about something that happened last Saturday but then I got lazy and pushed it off but I guess this would be a good time to write about it.

But I'm not going to. I guess I'll write about it another time. The concept of timing is interesting. I remember that I didn't write about my story about my encounter with the homeless man until two years after it happened. I decided to write it down after I found out some pretty bad news. had this sudden urge to write down everything.

I've been thinking about the concept of timing and also suffering these days. Around a week ago I was just lying in bed thinking about which character I would want to be from the bible and I went through all the ones I could remember and was like uhhh crap...I don't think I would want to be any of them lol cause they all went through pretty hard things in life and had to wait alot. like talking about years and years and years and it's like God.....God.....GOD....why...so....long....

earlier during the semester I was quite bitter at God for all the waiting and suffering. but now that it's summer and i'm more relaxed I'm much more peachy and trusting. I guess in all this I am reminded that God's wisdom is infinite and his compassion is great. I think he understands the pain that we have and will endure but also knows that the benefits outweigh the risks. At times he doesn't take away the pain but he is with us in it. He knows that we don't fully understand why we need to wait or suffer. And so we cry, but I think he cries with us.

John 11. The death and resurrection of Lazarus has been on my heart and mind for the past few months now. One of these days I will go through and write my thoughts on the whole passage. but the part that relates to timing and suffering is when Martha and Mary who are close to Jesus both say to him "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." And the people around them also said "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"

Jesus knew that Lazarus would be resurrected soon but nobody else did. Their minds couldn't even fathom at the time that Jesus could resurrect him at that moment. Everyone was crying and weeping over Lazarus's death. For four days Martha and Mary were probably filled with pain over their brother's death. In their natural desires they probably would have expected or wanted Jesus to have healed him and prevented him from dying. However, that was not in God's plan. He had something greater. But in order for that greatness to be achieved, they had to wait and suffer. I think when Jesus wept, he wept because he saw how much pain those impacted by Lazarus's death were in, especially when he saw Mary weeping. He knew that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, but he also knew they didn't know and had empathy for their pain. I don't think he was weeping regarding their disbelief, I think he was weeping with them in their pain.

It's not that God doesn't have the power to change or relieve us from our situations. It's that he allows us to endure the pain or waiting for greater things. But at times he doesn't tell us to cheer up, he cries with us.

As a therapist we learn that the relationship between us and our clients is fundamental. Before we go onto learning about treatment plans and different modalities, we learn the basics of empathizing and simply being with our clients. At times, we can't fix or change what they are going through, all we can do is sit with them in their pain. And somehow having two people sharing the pain helps because you're no longer going through it alone.

As I think about the characters in the Bible and their amount of trials, sufferings, and waiting, I am also reminded that through it all God was with them. He didn't let them take the easy road or short cuts, but till the very end he was with them. And one day I believe he will make things right again. He will wipe away every tear but until then we keep moving forward and we keep trusting that he knew all the options and all the ways things in our lives could unfold and he orchestrated the best possible way. even though to us it may not seem like the best way, and we may not like it. he knows and understands. I don't think he asks us to be happy about it. but he asks us to trust him. even if that means trusting him through tears.

I made a difficult decision about four and half years ago and I expected that God would make things right soon after and I would be healed quickly. But after each year would go by and things didn't get better, I became pretty bitter. I would say to God it's been a year, then two years, three years, four years, four and a half freaking years and I'm still in the same/ if not worse situation. At times I was so tired and so done. so hopeless. so angry. so bitter.

But recently. I can't remember if it was today or on Friday lol I can't really keep track of things anymore..I surrendered and was like okay God I trust you. I will stop counting the years that have gone by. I will stop holding that against you and I will trust you once again.

I'm pretty sure someone was praying for me. Thank you to that person/persons. Intercessory prayer is a mysterious thing to me but it really works. I get so happy when I feel the prayers of others. One time I was chillin, eating an apple, on my computer, and then all the sudden I'm thinking about John 3:16 probably the least emotion provoking verse for me because of how I've been so desensitized to it. the next thing I know I feel God's presence so strongly, and I'm crying over the first part of this verse "For God so loved the world" as if why would God so love this crazy world that at times ignores, rejects, defiles, and hates him enough to "send his one and only Son" to die for us...and in that moment I just knew that someone was praying for me and had a feeling that it was my mentor at the time Lisa Kwak. So I text Lisa like "are you praying for me right now?" and she texts back something like omg yes, how did you know and I vaguely told her what happened and she was like wow hallelujah. something like that lol I don't remember exactly how that convo went down. but yes I had similar feelings this weekend. so thank you. to whoever was praying. thanks.

anyways. Friday's thing at church was about romantic relationships. which is basically that area of my life that is my dry bones/thorn/ hopeless/ etc, etc, etc. so many disappoints, failures, wired in a way that makes it nearly impossible for me seek a healthy relationship, anxiety provoking, Simba run away and never return kind of thing at the thought of something real. but at the end of the night during the prayer time. oh yes okay I think that's when I surrendered and said I will stop counting the years. anyways I think the thought came to my mind that future Rebekah is praying for me and she is saying that one day I will be so happy for all the disappointments and failures because if those relationships hadn't failed then I wouldn't be with the person that I am with now (in the future). And maybe she is praying for me to have hope. and keep moving forward. and that it'll be okay. there is alot of joy waiting. pain is temporary. God is good. God is faithful. God is trustworthy. and God is with us.

And I'm sure that when Jesus did raise Lazarus from the dead, there was a lot of rejoicing. One moment there was weeping and then the next moment there was rejoicing. And that's life. There will always be times of sadness followed by happiness followed by sadness and the cycle continues.

But through it all we have peace, and we are blessed because God is with us.  

What does it mean to know God?

Warning post is going to be raw. like blahhh. word vomit.

So these days I have decided I am going to eat healthier, and I've just been eating rottisere chicken with like korean side dishes and apples. and I step onto the scale and found out that instead of losing weight I gained weight?!!!

AND I WAS LIKE GOOOOOOOODD PLEASEEEEEE JUST GIVE ME A BREAKKK!!!
I've been trying to lose weight for the past 3 FRICKIN YEARS and WTEFFFFFF is this BULLSHIT.

EVERYTHING these days has been just....okay not everything....but a lot of things have been just SUCKY....and in the past I would have said some bullshit like Praise God through the storm. or Even though it hurts...I will praise you. Though you slay me....what not what not

But now i'm like I'm so done. sooooo tired. i don't even care anymore.

Ever since I've come into this program and been seeing the behind the scenes of people's lives. the crap. the pain. the craziness. the realness. and all who profess to be Christians some even Pastors. all who have faith and are struggling in their faith. it's like what is going on????

we use so much Christian jargon that like it was so normal for me growing up...but really when we think about what we are saying. it's like what??? what does that mean?? this is not normal...this is not how we function in our daily lives...this is like up in the air talk....almost symbolic...

FOR EXAMPLE.

My rant above, me complaining to God. God please just let me lose weight. how do I know how he will react?? I DONT FREAKING KNOW. I really don't know. Like if I complained to my mom. I know what she would say. she would tell me to do yoga and eat healthier. I know what she would say to me.  I don't know what God would say. I have never heard him talk to me. But it's like people say things all the time like oohh God is speaking to me in this way. God would respond lovingly like you are beautiful for who you are my child. and it's like what?? how would you know...

We like a nice sounding God who would say kind things to us in loving ways. but it's like the Israelites in the desert were complaining to God about how they wanted quail and then he was like oh you want quail here ya go. i'll give it to you and then you will get sick from eating it and die. that's what you get for complaining.

And it's like ummmmmmm what??? that's God okay in some sense I respect that he's pretty gangster don't mess with me. but then there's that whole idea of God doesn't change. so is that how he'll react to me. oh Rebekah you are complaining first world problems about losing weight not thankful for the food I provide for you. oh you wanna lose weight. okay bam food poisoning. or cancer. there you got your wish. or does he even care? is he like ignore. ridiculous. HOW WOULD I KNOW.

and it's not like I can demand God to reveal himself to me. like GOD SHOW ME WHO ARE YOU. it's like me asking Obama to be vulnerable to me and tell me about himself.

and then you could argue that oh well because of Jesus Christ, God wouldn't act in a harsh way to us and wouldn't punish us and we can know him intimately. and yes I would like to believe that.

but nothing around me really shows that. I still don't know him. I would be lying if I said I did. I don't know what his favorite color is. I don't know what his sense of humor is like. I don't know how to relate to him.

and maybe it's because I'm trying to interact with God in the ways that I know how. but he operates on a different wave length. it's like learning a new language. but how?? what is this language. TEACH ME.

and then in the Bible it says something like to know God is to fear God. and it's like what does that even mean?? my spiritual director was saying to fear God is to live in a manner that is pleasing to him. but how do I please him when I don't even know what he likes??? and what if I can't please him. even if I want to please him I can't. I can't promise that...

The words that are coming to me now are surrender and Holy Spirit. and some chapter in Romans about how the sinful nature cannot please God. but life through the spirit.

I guess prayer is to learn more about this life through the spirit. and really experience it again.

Just because I'm confused doesn't mean I've given up. Sometimes it's easier to just give up when I don't understand because it's too overwhelming. but I'm not going to give up...

I still have faith in all this. Christian belief of having a "relationship" with God. I guess I just am realizing that something isn't right and I'm done faking or pretending. I'm going to wrestle with God until we have a real connection.

Overcoming unhealthy habits with Gratitude

This is not a well organized concept or thought but something that I'm just jotting down and will probably refine later.

A few weeks ago? I think I was reading one of the bible verses of the day on my bible app before I went to sleep. and came across this verse (I totally don't remember) but as I read this verse I somehow came to this conclusion: huh interesting, a way to fight sin is through gratitude. and then fell asleep.

I'm going to use the words "unhealthy habits" instead of sin because sin could mean a lot of things.

I noticed that this past week I have been not engaging in unhealthy habits. And I realized that since the time I received the prophetic word, my heart and mind have been filled with gratitude. I've been noticing the ways that God has been looking out for me this week and blessing me. Prayers being answered.

As I struggled with unhealthy habits throughout my life. I realized -because my impulse control and ability to meditate on consequences at times are low - that I can't change my habits unless I no longer want to engage in them. I cannot will myself to change. I need to want to change, and not only want to change, but actually experience the lack of desire for things that are not good for me.

When you are already satisfied with something you will most likely not desire after other things because you are full.  My chances of eating a hamburger right after already eating steak are going to be slim. It's when I'm starving for food that I'll seek after that hamburger.

As I was thinking about this, my mind was taken aback to Genesis chapter 3 when the serpent tricked Eve. Perhaps if Eve were satisfied with the fruit she already had or the role that she had in the garden, she probably wouldn't have desired after the fruit or knowledge that was forbidden.

Keeping in mind that all things on this earth seem to be temporary, the practice of gratitude needs to be a regular thing. As regular as eating normal meals. Hmm is that why it is customary to give thanks before meals? Perhaps genuine gratitude is part of the spiritual meals we are to eat in order for our souls or spirits to remain satisfied so we do not look to other things to feed our desires.

Long Christmas Letter

12/25/15

Dear God,

Merry Christmas! These days I feel like if I journal I won't read it because right now I'm too lazy and unmotivated to do anything. But maybe one day when I'm older and wiser, I will and have a good chuckle.

I think I'm having somewhat of an identity crisis again after coming to Rosemead. my sense of belonging is zip and I'm not motivated to keep up with relationships, though a part of me also wants to. I wish hanging out with friends came more naturally like it did in college, but I guess now I need to be more intentional or accept that there are certain people for certain seasons of my life and the rest I guess I'll just like/heart their posts on social media.

These days I miss my friend ___ a lot. We were kind of tight this year. Strange how that's the case. I guess some people are meant to stay in your life even when it seems as though they shouldn't. We don't live in the same area. We don't plan on meeting up. I don't really keep in consistent contact with anyone else from ____, but I wonder why we did.

I've been thinking about destiny. and I really like this concept of fate or destiny. It suits my personality. being more go with the flow and less of a planner. I don't know if it's something that I want to believe or something that is actually true. but nonetheless. perhaps this concept of destiny comforts me.

I don't like to think deeply about things because it takes too much brain work. Sometimes I come across as aloof, but I'm actually very much aware of what's happening around me and I tend to think deeply about things. people are fascinating. perhaps that's why I seek to understand people. but the more I seek, the less I seem to know. and the more I do, the less I actually want to be around people.

So perhaps it's better that I don't know. I'm not sure how far I want to go in this field of psychology. how much I want to know about pathology. but I hope that you protect my heart and keep it soft. we all start with good intentions. but we often forget why we even started in the first place. humans are forgetful like that. I hope that as much as I hate getting humbled. that I stay humble. and seek you for wisdom in all this craziness we call life.

In the midst of all these experiences, I always takeaway golden nuggets of truth. From my experience at Rosemead. I guess in a roundabout way, I've learned to experience emotions. to not bury or avoid them. but to feel the good and bad. to sit with disappointments, pain, heartache, sadness, and sufferings.

I hope that through all this God, we can together, with the people around me, truly embody integration of the study of the human soul here and of your eternal plan for us. your kingdom and the world you loved so much. to be real and loving in all this. as frustrating as it is for me. to remember love.

God. Father. Godfather. lol. but anyways. Father forgive me. for I have sinned against you in many ways. but for the past years specifically, I have been passive and apathetic. knowing what is right but unable to live it out. loving what is bad and ignoring what is good. my love at times cold.

But I trust that you will finish the good work you began in me. all I have to do is stay close to you. I remember, years ago, writing similar things in my journal and you brought me out of that place. but also knowing now that the wilderness is an integral part of my story as well. we live and we learn. and through and by your son Jesus there is grace and truth. I could have been born before this time, but perhaps it was your love for me and my destiny to be born after Jesus's time on earth. Because had I been born in the OT (old testament), I probably would have been smitten by now. but I wasn't born then, I was born now.

So going back to this concept of destiny. During ___, I tried to avoid _____. thinking that if I avoid him, then it'll save me from heartbreak. but perhaps I was destined to like him, and get to know him, and get my heart broken. perhaps that was not something to have been avoided. because three years later, it has happened. I couldn't escape.

I guess now, I have to deal with it. no judgment to myself and my foolish ways and breaking my "rules to prevent heartbreak." experience the longing and the rejection and the disappointment. and in the midst of it all, still have hope in you God for redemption and restoration. and trust in you with all my heart that the story you planned for me. that my destiny does not end in heartbreak and disappointments.

but that you will fulfill the desires of my heart. and that the desires of my heart will be pleasing to you.

Love,
Rebekah

Birthday

​Dear God,

Thank you for a great birthday. I felt blessed and it was very relaxing. even though i spent the night watching how to train your dragon 2 and cleaning my room. I'm glad because it was very simple. I like simple and clean things. Things that are simple and clean but also beautiful. I hope to be that way too. 

I remember in high school on my birthday I got in trouble lying to my bio teacher. and that birthday I wrote this bitter entry about how birthdays are overrated and emotional because you expect it to be a great day and get disappointed when it's not. I think over the years maybe I repressed my desires and wants so deeply from the fear of disappointment that I don't even have a conscious access of them anymore. But you know me and you know my true heart. thank you that I felt loved today. 

I think over the years, especially when I've been hurt so much when I was younger by people, I guess I developed this internal sense that I can't trust people or that people don't like me or care about me. Alot of people that have wished me happy birthday at times I assumed that they don't like me when in fact it seems the opposite. alot of people who I thought forgot about me showed that they still consider me. even though people can say and do hurtful things. they can also surprise you in good ways. I was surprised and touched by people today. I hope to get to a point of true confidence and humility so that I can truly shine the way that you intended me to. and love the way that you have designed me to love. 

I struggle so much with love and other good things. but just because I struggle does not mean I have failed. To give up is to fail. But those who persevere will always have hope. They will rise out of the struggling with character and strength. 

For the things that truly matter.

Never Give Up. 

And thank you for never giving up on me these past 24 years

-Rebekah 

Still

Prayer room journaling. 


I come before you still.
Defeated, wounded, broken
quiet and weak
I have nothing much to offer you
But still I am here before you
Still I am here

Still I believe in you Jesus
I can't say that I have fully obeyed you
or loved you with all my heart
I can't say that I have always seeked you
But still I am here

I have failed many times
I have stumbled alot along the way
I have been bitter and discouraged
I have been foolish and wicked
But still I am here

Besides to you, where will I go?
Who else can I turn to?
Who else can save me LORD?
I am here before you
Do not turn your face from me
Restore my soul
Still you will finish the good work you began in me

I cannot promise you anything
But I rely on your promises
That you will never leave me or forsake me
Despite all the changes
Still you are here with me

Nothing can separate us and
as long as we are together
There is still hope.


---

 I would have to say that my time in grad school, for the past year and half, has been the longest most unfruitful, discouraging, and powerless spiritual season since my encounter with God and "transformation" in Korea, 2011.  I've been through times like this but never to this extent. I've stopped caring and lacked the desire to pursue. I have become complacent and cowardly. and in these past years there have been certain circumstances and disappointments in my life that I caused me to be struggle with some bitterness and unbelief. The worst feeling is that my passion for God will never be stirred up again. that this is just how my life will be from now on.

"Prayer warrior Rebekah" or "small group leader Rebekah" or "Rebekah who prays for healing" is no longer recognizable. instead replaced with thoughts like I can't believe I used to do that. I can't believe I was so loving at one point or bold. I can't believe I used to pray for hours. How the hell did I fast for 3 days, I can barely fast one meal now. I can't believe I used to read 20 chapters of the bible. when now I can barely read one chapter a week. who knew I would become like this...

God knew. and yet He still chose me.
God knew when I said I will always love you. that meant I will love you for a couple of months and then love something else more. God knew when I said your presence is better than food. that I would later on I would rather stuff my face than fast and pray for breakthrough.
God knew and yet He still loves me.

at retreats people would expect words of encouragements from me and in the past I would be like yeah I see this and this. on point. what not what not. but last year it was like uhhh sorry....I did not get anything for you....
or would you pray for healing? in the past breakthrough, miracles, faith increased! but now its like....sure.....[nothing happens].....uhhh....why don't you ask someone else....

I compare myself to the past alot. which is probably not helpful. focusing on the present is important. how God is working in me now. in my time of spiritual confusion.
over the years people have sensed more stability. I agree too. I feel alot more grounded. probably became more mature. deepened my roots. learning to persevere it out during the difficult times. learned to depend on God more. definitely was spiritually humbled.

but something still doesn't seem quite right. I feel stuck. and lost to be quite honest.

I was talking with someone I care alot about a month ago. she hadn't been going to church for awhile. there were alot of things about Christianity that turned her off and she was thinking about renouncing her faith in Jesus altogether. she seemed to agree more with the teachings of Buddha.
it's better than going to church and pretending, she said.

our commitment to the church and to Jesus is like a marriage. just because there isn't passion doesn't mean we should break the commitment. however, merely staying with someone for the sake of commitment and not experiencing any passion is not healthy either. we should experience a relatively continual state of enjoyment and passion within a commitment.

I honestly don't take stances on many things. I'm pretty objective most of the time and don't really have alot of strong opinions. I've been like the opposite of "crazy for Jesus" this past year. but I know this for sure. more sure than I know that the sun will rise tomorrow morning. that God is real. and He sent His son Jesus Christ to forgive us of our sins, so that we can be restored back to Him and be with Him forever. it's not a teaching that "works for me". but something that is true for the world. I still believe in Jesus. it doesn't matter how strong you are. as long as you still believe there is hope.

you can't force yourself to believe. you can't try to stir up passion on your own.

but if you cry out to God. He will help you. He will never leave or forsake you.

it literally took me like 2 minutes to get that last phrase out to her, I was bawling. because I think I need to hear that too. I need God's help now. to enjoy being with Him. to have that passion for the things that matter. watch. He will answer soon. of course soon for God could be very different from my definition of soon. but I know that as long as I keep crying out to God, He will answer.

Because He still loves me.

Fully loved. Fully known

You know how people are like wow that guy is so great or that girl is so nice. Some people have such good character. Some people are so humble and lovable.

Well what about the people who are weird. Or seem like jerks but are nice deep down. The ones who aren't cool or fun. The ones who struggle with putting out an image of being great.

I think we're all very similar.  Some people have just learned to pretend better. Some people were born into better families.  Maybe we all don't deserve love and acceptance but we all need it. We all want it.

I like Jesus cause he saw through all the bullshit and into the heart of man. He saw potential in people. He loved those who were misunderstood by others. He called out those who were fake. He was merciful to those who were mistreated and gave them a new identity.

My identity is not based on what other people think of me. I must continue to remember that. Some people like me alot. Others not so much. And many don't even notice me. But I must know that through Jesus I am perfectly loved and accepted by God. I can be myself cause He not only loves me but He knows me fully. I don't have to explain myself or put on a front.

I can rest.

The Power of Believing

So every Tuesdays here at Rosemead we have Chapel. and today was a memorial chapel service for a faculty member who had recently passed away after battling cancer for 15 years.

To be honest I didn't think that I would get emotional because I didn't know her at all. But as people shared their memories about her and how she impacted their lives. I was so moved and tears just started to come out of my eyeballs....

she must have had a great character to be impacting the lives of people she hasn't even met...

the one thing that everyone mentioned was that when they were around this woman they felt so valued and special. that she believed in them. She saw the potential and good in them even when couldn't. not only that it wasn't faked but her warmth was genuine

it hurt my heart so much because at times I am so icy cold. I call myself the ice queen or joke around about how I have no heart. or how I'm such a jerk or insensitive. Queen of distancing. I like to make fun of people instead of encouraging them. I'm horrible at first impressions. and I look angry or bored most of the time (apparently I have severe downward curved lips, and there are plastic surgeries in Korea to fix that)

sometimes I try keep my mouth in "smile mode" but it hurts my chubby cheeks...
when I see people who are so warm, I want to have that warmth.

but I'm sure that if I had met this woman. she would have thought quite the opposite of me. she would have seen the potential for warmth in me.

sometimes all we need is for someone to believe in us.

two people I like in the bible is Abraham and Peter. and what I like about them is that God and Jesus changes their names. Abram--> Abraham (Father of a multitude) and Simon ---> Cephas/Peter (rock)

God believed in Abraham and brought forth his identity even before Abraham had his first son! even though Abraham messed up and instead of waiting for that promised child, he had Ishmael, and deceived Pharaoh and Abimalech (I probably spelled that wrong) about Sarah being his wife and disobeyed God by bring Lot along with him. God still fulfilled his promise in Abraham. And Abraham ended up sacrificing his son to God in faith! the guy who was unsure about God giving him a son and God protecting him, later on does something so bold. And because of that all the nations are blessed through him. And he really does become the father of many! And Abraham is credited as righteous through his faith.

Jesus believed in Peter before he even started his discipleship with him. Peter the one who was so rash and had so little faith. Peter who claimed that he would die for Jesus, and then betrayed him three times. But before all that even happened, Jesus spoke life and truth into him. He proclaimed that Peter's true identity -that he is rock. He is a stable leader that will build the foundations of the church.

there have been times in my life in which I questioned whether I was even worthy of serving or being a leader. worthy of doing anything for the kingdom. worthy of even being a child of God. but during those times God put people in my life who believed in me and wouldn't let me give up.

God gave me second chances and forgave me. He believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself.
And throughout my life I realized that I also need to keep believing in Him. that He will finish the work He began in me. I guess it's funny one of the main things that Jesus tells us to do is to BELIEVE in him.
why is it that we act like we got to do this all on our own...

maybe I wasn't able to make others feel valued because I didn't feel valued....
oooooh getting all psychological....we'll save that for later....

but anyways I think that when people believe in you, you begin to change naturally...
I know that God believes in me and I need to spend time reflecting on my true identity again.
the person God intended me to be.
I know that there is a Rebekah who is warm and friendly. Who will also speak life and truth in others and believe in them.

Sometimes you have to draw it out...

My Do's and Don'ts

Don'ts

Rule #1 dont ever feel sorry for yourself
Rule #2 dont complain
Rule #3 dont allow your heart to become bitter from the painful moments in life
Rule #4 dont ever stop praying
Rule #5 dont ever stop believing in Jesus Christ
Rule #6 dont stop worshipping no matter the circumstance
Rule #7 dont seek revenge or hold onto grudges


Do's

Rule#1 do be thankful always
Rule #2 do forgive
Rule #3 do trust in God more
Rule #4 do share your faith when you have the opportunity
Rule #5 do pray because those who hope in the LORD will never be disappointed
Rule #6 do prioritize what's important
Rule #7 do find the balance in everything

Final Papers

Just something silly that I wrote. To those who have actually experienced real childbirth, please don't be offended...


In the midst of all these final papers, I would have to say that a well-suited analogy for writing papers would be childbirth. At the beginning of the semester, your professor gives you a due date for your paper. Until the due date arrives, you are quite nervous and there is a level of discomfort. You wait in anticipation and you hope that your paper will turn out okay. As the due date draws closer, you begin to labor for your paper. The most painful time is the night before or morning of your due date. You want to give up at times, but you persevere through it. After you squeeze out that last citation on your reference page, you hit the print button and WALA! Finally! Hallelujah! You are done. You staple those pages and admire your finished work proudly.  Depending on how long it took to labor it out, you may even kiss it and hold it to your chest. Some papers you have high hopes for and others, well you are just going to have to accept the outcomes...

And now. enough procrastinating and time to start laboring.

God is Faithful

Oh mohnah I was kind of hesitant about sharing this because parts of it are sooo embarrassing...
but I think this would be really encouraging and shows literally how faithful He is.
Right now I'm waiting to hear back from gradschools, unsure about my future, blahblahblah but reading this reminds me that I should never forget God's faithfulness!!

This is something that I wrote in my other secret blog that I had for awhile.

                                                                    ---



Dear me in the future

Right now i am 17 years old.
i am worried about what i'm going to get on the SAT, what college i'm going to get into, or if i am going to die
a girl who never had a boyfriend.
oh yeah and the girl who never had a car or a job or a future
my favorite food is mashed potatoes
i currently really like this guy. or i think i do. his name is _____ hopefully you'll remember
i have bad acne :[ hopefully it will clear up
i am a junior at glenelg high school. everything is pretty much boring but i am still happy and optomistic
my advice always is "just go with the flow" and "do not worry about tommorow for tommorow will worry about itself"
i wonder if i will go to prom?
right now i am thinking about a major in International Relations
and i want to make a difference in the world? will i ? hopefully

anyways in the future. i hope to be a self-confident, funny, strong, brave, compassionate, open minded lady
but if not. remember that God will always love you and be there for you no matter what situation you are in.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So




What I wrote in response to "Rebekah from the past"
Wednesday November 23, 2011

Dear Rebekah,

You are now 20 years old. You did really well on the SATs better than all your friends (2150). you got a full scholarship to UMBC. And you finally have a boyfriend who you love very much ;]
You driven like 4 different cars already an Audi, Lexus, Toyota, and now an Acura TL. And you have an awesome job tutoring, making three times as much hourly than most college students do.
Your favorite food now is shrimp and like everything cause you love eating.
You no longer like this guy. You have a much better one for you now who actually likes you back you dork.
Your acne has all cleared up :]
You're a junior at UMBC. You're life has been filled with fun things and excitement.
You're advice is still the same. Thanks for it. New advice i would give you is: LOVE.
You went to prom and had a fun time.
Your major now is Psychology and you actually find it interesting.
I'm not sure if you made a difference in the world but i'm sure you've made a difference in a lot of people's worlds.

You're getting there and God's grace has definitely been on your life. Thanks for reminding me how cute we are and how much God loves us.
Truly if you look at everything. He has given you all your hopes, dreams, and desires and He will continue to pour His blessing on you. Be sure to thank Him always and look on the bright side of everything.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So

Repentance from the Future

Every year I look back on my old self and can't help but think "man, Rebekah last year was messed up" as the Holy Spirit is renewing me daily, I'm shedding alot of my old identity and putting on the new. God has changed the way I look, dress, act, speak, think, etc. He's taken away bitterness and replaced it with joy. Instead of chasing after worldly things for satisfaction, I can come into His presence to be filled. How I use my time has changed. My relationships with people have changed. Everything is changing into the person God intended me to be.

And then I wonder how different I will be a year from now. 

Pastor Ben Shin, from GLDI, told us that one of the most important prayers that we can pray is "LORD, have mercy on us" I heard a bajillion things during hours and hours of lectures and sermons during my 40 days there, but this phrase really caught my attention. He didn't really explain much why it was important, so I wanted to know. I asked Holy Spirit to give me greater revelations on this prayer.

Sometimes we live in sin and we either don't know, don't care, care but feel powerless. Growing up I've definitely experienced all three attitudes, and when I look back at my past self sometimes I'm horrified with the things that I've done. And the crazy thing is that some of the things that now I would never do, back then I thought that it was perfectly okay. I was so blinded and numb to so many things that were breaking God's heart and was leading me to destruction. 

But the moment God opened my eyes, and I started repenting, things started to change. It's like I could see things clearly and felt God smiling on me. I began to hunger and thirst for His righteousness. However, repentance isn't always something we do. Maybe because we are too prideful or blind to even know that we need to repent of. Maybe because we just don't want to or care enough. Maybe we don't even know how to repent.  

God gave me an interesting revelation about a year ago through the book "Heaven is for Real" that God is not bound by time. Growing up I always knew that, but the book really made me think about it in terms of prayer. We pray for our future selves alot, but we hardly ever pray for our past selves. However, if God is not above time, He sees us in the past, us now, and us in the future. 

I started praying for my past self more. At first it was mostly to help past Rebekah from discouragement. If I was going through a difficult situation I knew that there was someone in the future praying for me, someone who knew how the situation would turn out. It gave me a lot of peace cause I knew that everything was going to be okay. 

Lately, I've been taking it further to repentance. Interceding for my past self because at the time she was not spiritually mature enough to understand that what she was doing was wrong. Asking God to have mercy on her and be patient with her. And from that I've learned that wow...God's love never changes. He loved me then, He loves me now (even though future Rebekah is probably like I'm so messed up now), He loves me in the future.  Cause he sees all of me. I'm probably not doing some things that I'm supposed to now or I'm doing some things wrong, but I know that future Rebekah is repenting on my behalf and asking God to open my eyes. I'm thankful for His patience and His mercy. I can also wait for when God will open my eyes to see what I need to do. I trust that He is answering those prayers and the things that I am struggling with now, I know that He will help me overcome them. I know that He loves me and that He is pleased with me. He will bring me to my destiny, that is to be with Him forever. 

In the past however, I didn't have that kind of confidence. In fact, many times I felt so far away from God. Sin blocks the fellowship we have with God. it's real stuff because even though I had a relationship with God, in the past because of sin I felt that wall, distance, emptiness, and sadness. We are powerless if we are not obeying His commands and having an intimate fellowship with Him. When we don't confess, we can't change from doing things that are not pleasing to God, we become doubtful and we lack confidence in our fellowship with God.  But repentance frees us. When we say sorry I messed up, it was my fault, please forgive me, I want to change. We can accept His forgiveness and be renewed through the Holy Spirit! 

As I write this, I'm also reading a journal entry from a year ago. I was so lost during that time. Discouraged. Ashamed and felt abandoned. Yet for some reason I kept holding onto to God's love for me. I knew then that even though at the time I was pretty much useless in the kingdom of God, future Rebekah is doing some damage. God is be proud of her. He sees her and me at the same time. In my journal last year I wrote this "What does it truly mean to be humble and repent." Though she may not understand then, I will pray for her now. And I believe that God will hear it and will lead her to the truth. He already has. 

Dear God,

Please be patient with that girl. Please be kind to her. She doesn't know that what she's doing is wrong. She doesn't know how much it breaks your heart and how it's leading her to destruction. Before things get worse please open her eyes to see and her ears to listen to You. Sometimes she doesn't want to listen. She says she'll get it together later. Please put the fear of the LORD in her heart. Even if she doesn't care or if she's too prideful to admit it, please have mercy on her. I'm sorry for what she's doing. Please help her change. She's afraid to let go of certain things. Help her to trust in you. Forgive her for all the excuses she makes and her pride. It's her fault, help her to own up to it.  She feels so far from you, but please help her endure. Remind her that Your love for her never changes, even if she feels as though she is undeserving of it. Your love never changes. 

Love,

Rebekah