Still

Prayer room journaling. 


I come before you still.
Defeated, wounded, broken
quiet and weak
I have nothing much to offer you
But still I am here before you
Still I am here

Still I believe in you Jesus
I can't say that I have fully obeyed you
or loved you with all my heart
I can't say that I have always seeked you
But still I am here

I have failed many times
I have stumbled alot along the way
I have been bitter and discouraged
I have been foolish and wicked
But still I am here

Besides to you, where will I go?
Who else can I turn to?
Who else can save me LORD?
I am here before you
Do not turn your face from me
Restore my soul
Still you will finish the good work you began in me

I cannot promise you anything
But I rely on your promises
That you will never leave me or forsake me
Despite all the changes
Still you are here with me

Nothing can separate us and
as long as we are together
There is still hope.


---

 I would have to say that my time in grad school, for the past year and half, has been the longest most unfruitful, discouraging, and powerless spiritual season since my encounter with God and "transformation" in Korea, 2011.  I've been through times like this but never to this extent. I've stopped caring and lacked the desire to pursue. I have become complacent and cowardly. and in these past years there have been certain circumstances and disappointments in my life that I caused me to be struggle with some bitterness and unbelief. The worst feeling is that my passion for God will never be stirred up again. that this is just how my life will be from now on.

"Prayer warrior Rebekah" or "small group leader Rebekah" or "Rebekah who prays for healing" is no longer recognizable. instead replaced with thoughts like I can't believe I used to do that. I can't believe I was so loving at one point or bold. I can't believe I used to pray for hours. How the hell did I fast for 3 days, I can barely fast one meal now. I can't believe I used to read 20 chapters of the bible. when now I can barely read one chapter a week. who knew I would become like this...

God knew. and yet He still chose me.
God knew when I said I will always love you. that meant I will love you for a couple of months and then love something else more. God knew when I said your presence is better than food. that I would later on I would rather stuff my face than fast and pray for breakthrough.
God knew and yet He still loves me.

at retreats people would expect words of encouragements from me and in the past I would be like yeah I see this and this. on point. what not what not. but last year it was like uhhh sorry....I did not get anything for you....
or would you pray for healing? in the past breakthrough, miracles, faith increased! but now its like....sure.....[nothing happens].....uhhh....why don't you ask someone else....

I compare myself to the past alot. which is probably not helpful. focusing on the present is important. how God is working in me now. in my time of spiritual confusion.
over the years people have sensed more stability. I agree too. I feel alot more grounded. probably became more mature. deepened my roots. learning to persevere it out during the difficult times. learned to depend on God more. definitely was spiritually humbled.

but something still doesn't seem quite right. I feel stuck. and lost to be quite honest.

I was talking with someone I care alot about a month ago. she hadn't been going to church for awhile. there were alot of things about Christianity that turned her off and she was thinking about renouncing her faith in Jesus altogether. she seemed to agree more with the teachings of Buddha.
it's better than going to church and pretending, she said.

our commitment to the church and to Jesus is like a marriage. just because there isn't passion doesn't mean we should break the commitment. however, merely staying with someone for the sake of commitment and not experiencing any passion is not healthy either. we should experience a relatively continual state of enjoyment and passion within a commitment.

I honestly don't take stances on many things. I'm pretty objective most of the time and don't really have alot of strong opinions. I've been like the opposite of "crazy for Jesus" this past year. but I know this for sure. more sure than I know that the sun will rise tomorrow morning. that God is real. and He sent His son Jesus Christ to forgive us of our sins, so that we can be restored back to Him and be with Him forever. it's not a teaching that "works for me". but something that is true for the world. I still believe in Jesus. it doesn't matter how strong you are. as long as you still believe there is hope.

you can't force yourself to believe. you can't try to stir up passion on your own.

but if you cry out to God. He will help you. He will never leave or forsake you.

it literally took me like 2 minutes to get that last phrase out to her, I was bawling. because I think I need to hear that too. I need God's help now. to enjoy being with Him. to have that passion for the things that matter. watch. He will answer soon. of course soon for God could be very different from my definition of soon. but I know that as long as I keep crying out to God, He will answer.

Because He still loves me.