The Vulnerability of God

 A few days ago i felt God's presence so strongly.

it was wonderful. i really needed it because

it came at a time i was so angry with him.

i was on reddit reading comments on a post by an atheist about the cruelty of the biblical story of God testing Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his one and only son Isaac. the son he waited 25 years for. 

i was thinking about this story because 11 years ago God tested me as well but instead of taking it back at the last minute I lost my Isaac..and after all these years I still carry around that pain and have been waiting for the redemption that has yet to come. 

I remember thinking how messed up God was. 

I can't deny the existence of God but I wanted nothing to do with him.

and then as I was reading the comments on the reddit post by Christians and non Christians, none of it was satisfactory to me. the non Christian comments shared my anger but had a secular bias while the Christian comments defending God seemed trite and rehearsed. and then I came across this one comment and noticed the phrase 'my son, my one and only son, whom i love'

and the presence of God hit me and i started sobbing because in that moment i understood. 

people interpret the story of Abraham as a test from God, which is part of it. but if we don't see it in the context of love and connection it is unsettling. non believers question just how God could ask him to do such a horrifying thing while believers try to minimize just how horrifying it was. in reality it was unthinkable. and it was the fact that it was so heartbreaking that Abraham got the glory. what God asked from him was a big deal. and out of everyone on this earth Abraham got to share in God's glory and understand God's decision for his one and only beloved son. he got to connect with God in a way that was so special. God wanted to bless him and the cost of that blessing was great. 

Abraham and Isaac probably went through a rollercoaster trauma of emotions and in the end they were blessed. throughout the Bible, God is referred to as The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Imagine your name being associated with the one and true God. Abraham didn't ask for the glory but he received it because God chose him.

Abraham did not end up actually having to sacrifice his one and only beloved son. But it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. God was the one who actually went through sacrificing his one and only son whom he loved so much. 

and when i was reminded of that i felt God's vulnerability. when we think of God we think of different adjectives like almighty, powerful, holy etc. but vulnerable is not typically a word we use to describe God as vulnerability is usually associated with weakness. and yet the vulnerability of God is important as it shows his deep desire for love, for connection and the fact that he can feel pain too. he chose to give us free will and to allow himself to be vulnerable for us. he opened himself to the risk of getting hurt, getting rejected by us.

in that moment i felt God's hurt by me. how i hurt him by questioning his character and thinking he was messed up. and i felt sorry. i was sorry that i hurt him. i also felt his fear. his fear of losing me. so i reassured him that he would never truly lose me. at times i will wander away but the Holy Spirit will always bring me back to him. back home 

and even though i still carry the pain i thanked God for choosing me to be tested. and i remember all those years as i let go of the person i loved the most i asked God to keep me in his presence forever. and he kept his promise. and i felt excited because i was also chosen to share in his glory. it wasn't something that i would have asked for either. i prefer a life that is more simple, less painful. but i will receive God's love for me and i am glad for the connection. 

those who understand the cost of sacrifice, understand God

Jesus Christ- the beloved son of God. who understands his heart. was chosen out of love for sacrifice and redeemed for the highest glory and honor and praise