The Vulnerability of God

 A few days ago i felt God's presence so strongly.

it was wonderful. i really needed it because

it came at a time i was so angry with him.

i was on reddit reading comments on a post by an atheist about the cruelty of the biblical story of God testing Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his one and only son Isaac. the son he waited 25 years for. 

i was thinking about this story because 11 years ago God tested me as well but instead of taking it back at the last minute I lost my Isaac..and after all these years I still carry around that pain and have been waiting for the redemption that has yet to come. 

I remember thinking how messed up God was. 

I can't deny the existence of God but I wanted nothing to do with him.

and then as I was reading the comments on the reddit post by Christians and non Christians, none of it was satisfactory to me. the non Christian comments shared my anger but had a secular bias while the Christian comments defending God seemed trite and rehearsed. and then I came across this one comment and noticed the phrase 'my son, my one and only son, whom i love'

and the presence of God hit me and i started sobbing because in that moment i understood. 

people interpret the story of Abraham as a test from God, which is part of it. but if we don't see it in the context of love and connection it is unsettling. non believers question just how God could ask him to do such a horrifying thing while believers try to minimize just how horrifying it was. in reality it was unthinkable. and it was the fact that it was so heartbreaking that Abraham got the glory. what God asked from him was a big deal. and out of everyone on this earth Abraham got to share in God's glory and understand God's decision for his one and only beloved son. he got to connect with God in a way that was so special. God wanted to bless him and the cost of that blessing was great. 

Abraham and Isaac probably went through a rollercoaster trauma of emotions and in the end they were blessed. throughout the Bible, God is referred to as The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Imagine your name being associated with the one and true God. Abraham didn't ask for the glory but he received it because God chose him.

Abraham did not end up actually having to sacrifice his one and only beloved son. But it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. God was the one who actually went through sacrificing his one and only son whom he loved so much. 

and when i was reminded of that i felt God's vulnerability. when we think of God we think of different adjectives like almighty, powerful, holy etc. but vulnerable is not typically a word we use to describe God as vulnerability is usually associated with weakness. and yet the vulnerability of God is important as it shows his deep desire for love, for connection and the fact that he can feel pain too. he chose to give us free will and to allow himself to be vulnerable for us. he opened himself to the risk of getting hurt, getting rejected by us.

in that moment i felt God's hurt by me. how i hurt him by questioning his character and thinking he was messed up. and i felt sorry. i was sorry that i hurt him. i also felt his fear. his fear of losing me. so i reassured him that he would never truly lose me. at times i will wander away but the Holy Spirit will always bring me back to him. back home 

and even though i still carry the pain i thanked God for choosing me to be tested. and i remember all those years as i let go of the person i loved the most i asked God to keep me in his presence forever. and he kept his promise. and i felt excited because i was also chosen to share in his glory. it wasn't something that i would have asked for either. i prefer a life that is more simple, less painful. but i will receive God's love for me and i am glad for the connection. 

those who understand the cost of sacrifice, understand God

Jesus Christ- the beloved son of God. who understands his heart. was chosen out of love for sacrifice and redeemed for the highest glory and honor and praise 

and in this present reality

everything happens for a reason right?

whatever is meant to be here

will be

and whatever is not

i will close my eyes

and one day when i wake up

i will see your smiling face 

and know i'm finally home 

I knew when I met you

Because no one else felt right

As if my whole life was a search to find you

And when I realized that 

you were the one my future loved 

I finally understood the truth

that love is not bound by time 

 Prompt: An item: How you got it, and why it's important

I was so mad at him. I was mad at him because he was mad at me. This is stupid, I feel like I'm in middle school again. He was the one who first threw sand in my mouth and then now he's mad cause I got sand in his hair?

what a girl...

I had to complain to someone. So I stormed over to Gina, "Can you believe it, Gina. Jay's mad at me again"

"why?"

"cause I got sand in his hair"

"are you serious.."

"yeah, I know right"

"it's okay, he'll get over it."

I could see out the corner of my eye that Jay was looking at me talking to Gina. Knew that I was complaining about him but I didn't care. I was done with this friendship. I was sick of him acting like a big baby all the time. 

We all got back into the cabs. Ready to go back to the hotel and shower because we had to catch our train back to the city. 

Jay and I got into separate cabs of course. And in my cab, I was uncharacteristically quiet. I guess I went a little too far. shouldn't have dumped that much sand on his head. yeah..now that I think about it. it was kinda obnxious. man...it'll be weird not hanging out with Jay this week. I wonder how long it'll take him to get over it. 

Five hours later I was on the train, sitting away from the group and starring out the window. I remember at one point Jay and I accidentally caught each other's eyes and it felt so weird not being able to talk to him. 

Man who knew this vacation would end this way. stupid beach..we should have just gone to the aquarium. 

And just as my eyes began to tear up, I see Jay walking towards me with a smile on his face. He sits on the empty seat next to me. 

"Here" he hands me this colorful bracelet. the kind that looks like a middle school girl made it. 

"What's this for" I ask.

"Idk...just saw it and thought of you. look I got one for myself too."

"omg...what's this supposed to be...our friendship bracelets?"

"yeah.."

"Ew..that's so corny. hahaha. but I kind of like it. Here tie it on my wrist" 

"You better wear it forever" he said with a smile and got up and went back to our group of friends. 

I looked at the bracelet, it really wasn't my style but I loved it. I was 20 years old and I finally had my first friendship bracelet.   

 Found my old handwritten journal and wanted to share some posts 

Dear Father,

In life people come and go. things change. Somedays you see the same people everyday only for them to leave your life. You may never see them again. Your best friend you've known you're whole life may feel like a distant person to you while on the other hand the person you've only known for two weeks feels like your best friend. 

I guess in life there are seasons for everything. People come and go and things change. At the end of the day you're never the same person. Somedays I wish that you can pick and choose the people you want and be with them forever in paradise. Perhaps that's what heaven will be like. 

I suppose at times it's hard to love when you know that everything is so temporary. It's easier I guess to not get as attached so that when it's time to move on, it doesn't hurt as much. But with that you'll never really experience the joys in life.

Even my own family, who I believe will probably be the only people left at the end of it all will one day be like a faded memory. 

In that I suppose we are truly hubmled. We came into this world, only knowing you, and we'll leave the same way. You are the only one who'll be with us throughout our entire lives. 

At the end of it all, I hope I can say that you Oh LORD are my best friend. 

Rebekah  

 

The following is an email from January 25, 2016, delivered from the past by FutureMe

Dear FutureMe,

Do you still sleep 9 hours a day? Cause I don't think so

Robert says you're gonna sleep less than 9 hours a day.

I am at 85 with Robert Shin and Jenny Woo.

You are concerned about having kids because of the lack of sleep. But I'm sure it'll be worth it if you do and I know you'll be a better mom than you expect.

You just came back from Converge conference with New Philly it was such a blessing to see them again after 5 years since you met them in Korea.

Your love life is hopeless. You are literally accepting celibacy at this point. But I hope you are laughing as you read this.

You are denying being scared about the upcoming semester at Rosemead the hardest year according to people. Hopefully you survived. Either way you'll be okay.

I hope 2016 will be a hopeful year for you. Already I see God's answers to prayers. Remember to praise Him for his faithfulness always.

Anyways I keep it short. I'm sure at this point some of the struggles from Rosemead will make more sense. I'm so jealous of you and your life. But I'm sure you'll tell me to enjoy my life now.

Yoooooo and congrats and turning 30 this year. Dude I know 30s is gunna be the best years of your life.

Stay confident. Be yourself. You are a loving person. Stay humble. Always learning.

Rebekah So

One step at a time

They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"....I don't agree. Some things that didn't kill me, came so close that they're still damaging. They didn't make me better. Some things made me worse. And can't that be okay too? Can't some things just break you? This whole fucking world wants you to believe that admitting defeat makes you weak. For God's sake, bleed. And bleed openly. There can be pride in vulnerability. Honesty is maturity. And really, it's the things that did kill me, that made me.

J. Raymond

My internship year in Kansas destroyed me. I didn't decide until the last minute to uphold my contract there because of my worsening health issues, and three months in, I was so close to leaving but long story short I was meant to be there. 

I experienced a year long major depressive episode where I not just cried but full on wept and thought about suicide daily. I was so confused and screamed at God to end the pain but the pain didn't end. I felt as though I was drowning and right when I was about to die someone would pull me back up just long enough for me to take a breath and then pull me back under. Over and over again. I've never experienced that level of prolonged physical and emotional torture in my life like that. Each day I clinged onto the words that "this too shall pass."

I spent years trying to make sense of what happened and it took some time but I now realize that I actually respect who I am inwardly. I have a deep and genuine level of empathy and openness that only those who have been truly broken can have. Outwardly I'm a mess, still picking up the pieces. Slowly I am healing, as this self respect came at a significant price. And that's okay, as I tell my clients: one step at a time. 

Fantasie-Impromptu

my college admissions essay. wrote this in 2008 before my senior year of highschool. 

Fantasie-Impromptu

After two hours of listening to student after student perform at the recital, my eyelids hung heavily and my once upright posture began to flag. Suddenly a colossal sound captured my attention. As I listened, my heart ached because I longed for the ability to play the song.  I hastily flipped to the last page of my recital pamphlet. My eyes skimmed downward to the last line of the page.  There it was.  Fantasie-Impromptu by Frederic Chopin.

Four years later I sat in front of the piano. I had just finished playing the last note of Chopin’s Fantasie-Impromptu, the last note of its eleventh page. I looked over at my piano teacher who was wiping away tears from her eyes. I felt myself blush as she clapped loudly. “Never,” she proclaimed, “Never have I seen anyone master this song in only three weeks.” Three weeks.  Her words echoed in my ears. I remembered how three weeks ago she doubted my ability to master the song. I felt grateful that I did not underestimate my potential. 

 
Since the day I mastered the song, I abused it. Every time I caught sight of a piano I casually waltzed over and played the song. The song was my key to attention, to approval. I enjoyed watching the looks of astonishment and hearing the gushing compliments. It wasn’t until I saw another girl take my place that I understood my crime.

She was like me; a girl from a Korean family who was probably forced into taking piano lessons by a strict and demanding mother. Unaware of her exploitation of Chopin’s masterpiece, she only wanted approval.  I watched.  I allowed her movements, the crowd around the piano, their reactions, and her face to engulf me like a water-logged car sinking below a murky surface.

I went home that day feeling not pride or happiness but guilt. I stared at the once-revered Chopin, Selected Favorites for the Piano. I let the pages flip to the last song. I realized that my piano teacher was right when she originally doubted my ability to master it. I had only focused on playing the song for my personal gain, never stopping to appreciate it.  I looked at its complexity, how the beat of the bass clef was in a separate world from the treble clef. It resembled the paradox that lay in me – a battle between my artistic, carefree world and my responsible, obedient nature.  However, the two worlds in the song were able to merge to create one harmonious and beautiful melody. I flipped the pages to the core of the song, the part with the slower tempo and emotion-filled melody. I remember that I had begun practicing the song from the core and not from the beginning. The core gave me hope to practice it. Unlike the high-spirited exterior, the calm core gave the song balance and serenity. I almost laughed at the similarities between the song and myself.

I stared at the pages once more in my piano teacher’s basement.  The recital was three months away.  Another student waited hopefully for my declination, but my teacher insisted that I was more suited to play the piece. However, I stood firm in my answer and chose to play a different, difficult but slow song by Liszt.

Recital day.  As the final note is played the audience gives a standing ovation.  After the long applause, I waltz not away from the piano but toward it, passing the beaming face of a petite girl who is clearly relieved.  I take a deep breath and place my shaking hands on the keys. The audience is anxious to listen to the final performance, wondering how on earth it could be better than the one they’ve just heard. I play the slow melody of the first line and imagine the disappointment on their faces. Ironically, the image makes me smile. Chopin would have been proud.  

Please pray for me. I'm going through something right now and I've tried everything. I don't know what to do.

My Prayer For You

This song has been my jam today. thought I would share My Prayer For You


Alisa Turner - My Prayer For You

[Verse 1]
For anyone who's prayed a thousand prayers
And still can't find the answer anywhere
Fighting off the lie that no one cares
For anyone who's out there losing hope
Feeling you're forsaken and alone
Clinging to the last strands of your rope

[Chorus]
May God give you eyes to see, He's still greater
Courage to rise and believe He's able
May God be your peace in the fire you're walking through
This is my prayer now
This is my prayer for you

[Verse 2]
For all of those with tired and weary souls
But still have faith to ask for miracles
Choosing to believe He's in control

[Chorus]
May God give you eyes to see, He's still greater
Courage to rise and believe He's able
May God be your peace in the fire you're walking through
This is my prayer now
This is my prayer

[Bridge]
May your eyes be ever on the Lord, your helper
May you find your refuge in the Lord, your shelter
May you find Him closer than a brother all your days
All of your days!
And may your eyes be ever on the Lord, your helper
May you find your refuge in the Lord, your shelter
May you find Him closer than a brother all your days
All of your days!

[Chorus]
May God give you eyes to see, He's still greater
Courage to rise and believe He's able
May God be your peace in the fire you're walking through
This is my prayer now
This is my prayer for you!
For you!

Everything is Temporary

Dear God,

Last night I got an email that my doc paper finally was approved. This paper has been the bane of my existence for the past 4-5 years. Literally nights of crying and screaming into pillows. But now it's done and, as expected, it's anticlimactic. I wrote in my previous entry that if everything works out will I be happy?

I think as I'm out here and everything is coming to an end - everything I thought I wanted will start to happen (moving back, graduating) - I'm realizing that my true joy is found in being with you. Because everything in life is temporary and not as glamorous as it seems.

I remember there was a weekend in college when I thought I had everything and got to do everything I wanted to do - but I still felt as though something was missing. I still wasn't satisfied.

I'm not at a stage where I feel completely joyful or euphoric. my current mood is somewhat tired but at peace. I am learning to appreciate and balance once again life as a gift and a mission. Learning to just be with you and being content in the good works you have planned for me.

I still remember the last message P.Erin preached at EMMAUS (college group I went to at Yonsei while I was studying abroad). She preached that everything in life is temporary and if there was one thing we could takeaway it was to remember our commitment with God. That was 7 years ago - and I feel as though my faith has been tested like crazy since then. But I'm glad that my time here in Kanas is reminding me once again of what's truly important.

In group therapy today we talked about the fleeting nature of happiness. For some they want to hold onto the happiness and fear/avoid/deny the pain. For others the ups and downs of happiness and pain is too exhausting or disappointing that they rather just stay down or cynical. I have had both experiences in my life and hope now to accept that pain in life is inevitable so I won't have to be afraid of it. To be able to allow myself to enjoy the good times and persevere through the bad. And in it to find comfort in the one who remains steady and faithful through it all.

You will always be my joy.

Letters

Dear me in the future

Right now i am 17 years old.
i am worried about what i'm going to get on the SAT, what college i'm going to get into, or if i am going to die
a girl who never had a boyfriend.
oh yeah and the girl who never had a car or a job or a future
my favorite food is mashed potatoes
i currently really like this guy. or i think i do. his name is _____ hopefully you'll remember
i have bad acne :[ hopefully it will clear up
i am a junior at glenelg high school. everything is pretty much boring but i am still happy and optomistic
my advice always is "just go with the flow" and "do not worry about tommorow for tommorow will worry about itself"
i wonder if i will go to prom?
right now i am thinking about a major in International Relations
and i want to make a difference in the world? will i ? hopefully

anyways in the future. i hope to be a self-confident, funny, strong, brave, compassionate, open minded lady
but if not. remember that God will always love you and be there for you no matter what situation you are in.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So


---

What I wrote in response to "Rebekah from the past"
Wednesday November 23, 2011

Dear Rebekah,

You are now 20 years old. You did really well on the SATs better than all your friends (2150). you got a full scholarship to UMBC. And you finally have a boyfriend who you love very much ;]
You driven like 4 different cars already an Audi, Lexus, Toyota, and now an Acura TL. And you have an awesome job tutoring, making three times as much hourly than most college students do.
Your favorite food now is shrimp and like everything cause you love eating.
You no longer like this guy. You have a much better one for you now who actually likes you back you dork.
Your acne has all cleared up :]
You're a junior at UMBC. You're life has been filled with fun things and excitement.
You're advice is still the same. Thanks for it. New advice i would give you is: LOVE.
You went to prom and had a fun time.
Your major now is Psychology and you actually find it interesting.
I'm not sure if you made a difference in the world but i'm sure you've made a difference in a lot of people's worlds.

You're getting there and God's grace has definitely been on your life. Thanks for reminding me how cute we are and how much God loves us.
Truly if you look at everything. He has given you all your hopes, dreams, and desires and He will continue to pour His blessing on you. Be sure to thank Him always and look on the bright side of everything.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So

---

Tuesday 3/13/18

Dear Rebekah,

You are turning 27 next week. and your life is a mess.
right now you're trying to focus on getting enough hours to complete your internship, finishing your doc paper, graduate, figure out where you're going to live, and get a job.
HAHA but Rebekah in the future will be reading this and laughing because it'll all work out. you already know that.

but my question is even if it all works out. will I eventually be happy again?

I was reading the two entries above and saw how it all worked out.. and then how it all crumbled again..

if I were to write a letter to my past I'd tell her at this point to just die...
I know it's harsh and dark but it's like this is what will happen..

you will end up losing everything..

those cars gone, that job gone, college gone..

you still like shrimp though...

you will lose the only guy you ever loved and think that you will find someone else. but instead you will continue to get your heart broken. 6 years later you will still be in pain...

you will go through a period of time right before grad school when you will even lose your best friend who you've known since you were in pre-k because of circumstances outside of your control. you will be so confused and exhausted. you will think you've lost her forever, but in time God will redeem your friendship. so that one has a happy ending, but sort of. because when you actually get close again...you will be separated by physical distance.

you will move to California and suffer a lot in grad school. you will gain a lot of weight. you will go through years without having a best friend in your proximity. and then you will find close friends again. and then when you do you will have to move again to Kansas.

you will go through the hardest months of your life in Kansas. you will experience health issues and be throwing up multiple times a day. you will be so confused and exhausted again. you will lose friendships. you will be isolated. you will be in so much pain you won't want to live anymore.

but you will live. and maybe one day be glad that you did.

you will experience love and care from people who still made the effort to keep in touch with you even though you wanted to disappear. your love and care for your clients will hopefully ease their pain. you are not as alone as you think you are.

if you were to actually know all this ahead of time. you would probably be terrified. perhaps you would have done things differently to avoid the pain. but perhaps the pain in life is inevitable. and it is through the pain of Jesus that brought you life. God is not about avoiding pain but redeeming pain for his glory. so brace yourself. be brave. trust God for he cares for you more than you will ever know. and he will be with you in all of this. even though you may question that a times. it won't change who he is.

you had hoped when you were 17 to be "a self-confident, funny, strong, brave, compassionate, open minded lady" and maybe everything you've gone through is to develop in you who you hoped to be.

hopefully it'll all be worth it.

Love you always,

Rebekah Eunjie So

This Too Shall Pass (song)

Coping with depressive symptoms through creative expression. Rough recording with my phone video of a song I composed on the piano. Lyrics: Though the tears they may seem endless And the sorrow too long to bear  But just hang in there til tomorrow I promise this too shall pass  And this song I sing from my sorrow  I sing to heal from the past  And I hope by this time tomorrow  I will find my joy at last  Why are you cast down, oh my soul Why are you in turmoil in me Hope in God for I will yet praise him Oh God have mercy on me  Oh God have mercy on me

All I have is Christ

So recently, I came across this picture on Instagram..

and I guess it was supposed to be this cute picture with the message of "trust God. what he has is way bigger and better"..

but the picture didn't make me more hopeful or trusting...instead I was telling God that I don't want bigger or better. I don't want to lose what I am already loyal to. I'd much rather have the little teddy bear that I already love than a bigger one.

In high school my dog, Licky (weird name. I know I was 9 when I named him..) died prematurely at the age of 5 (he was mauled by another dog). And about a year later I got another dog (my current dog Toby) and Toby I do admit is a much better behaved dog than Licky. and I love Toby so much, but I was telling God that I don't care. I still miss Licky. I never wanted to lose him in the first place for another dog that's "better." I remember like years later in grad school just randomly crying over the loss of Licky one night. so sad how I lost him and over the tragic circumstances of his death. wishing that it never happened. wishing other losses in my life didn't have to happen.

And recently I'm going through losses as I have relocated to Kansas and due to other circumstances. some not that devastating but one sig relationship recently that has been more devastating. and so I was telling God that currently I don't even have a bear. I gave you my bear years ago. and I've been waiting for this new "better and bigger" bear but I keep getting these bears that get taken away. and now I picture myself just sitting there alone on the floor crying without a bear.

And then it came to me that maybe the whole point is not about having a bear but about being with Jesus. oh i see..it's not about the bear, it's about Jesus.. the bear was taken away not so my arms could be free for a bigger bear but my arms would be free to give Jesus a hug. and then I tried to imagine myself giving Jesus a hug...

but at the time I couldn't...I couldn't bring myself to hug Jesus. in fact there were too many things weighing on me to see Jesus. instead I felt darkness around me. still sitting alone on the floor crying about not having my bear that I couldn't even see Jesus. I knew the enemy was between me and Jesus but I couldn't fight my way to Jesus. I'll let the enemy win this battle...I'm too tired to care anymore...

and I thought should I be fighting to be with Jesus? in like superhero movies it seems as though the person being rescued really doesn't do much...I mean I tend to respect the characters more who at least tries to fight instead of just standing there screaming...but even if they didn't try, in the end the superhero always ends up saving them. it's on the hero to save, not the rescuee. it's on Jesus to save me. I am his responsibility. salvation is not by my works.
but I wondered if there was something I could do, not necessarily to be saved, but just to be with Jesus..

the next day (today) I felt as though I had to visit the Forerunner Christian Fellowship (IHOP sunday service) because God had a word for me there. I really am not that sensitive to God's voice these days but once in awhile I just know. and today was one of those days..

it was my first time there and instantly I was like whoa..the presence is strong here. and today Allen Hood and Corey Russell were preaching together on spiritual friendship (sermon link). it was a timely word because on the way there I was thinking that I don't know where I'm going to end up (geographically) and if I keep moving around I'm going to lose all the friends eventually and end up alone..

but that wasn't what really got to me. what really got to me was the presence and the power that was there as Allen was preaching today with Corey (I've heard Allen and Corey preach separately a few times before and lemme tell you something was def different today). like I felt like I got a glimpse of heaven in that place! the last time I remember feeling this way was at New Philly 7 years ago, when I was like I'm having so much fun at sunday service. I was like what?? how is listening to a sermon at church so fun! there was no place I would have rather been.

in that moment it felt as though the words of eternal life were being spoken. I literally just wanted them to keep preaching forever. I kinda understand how people listened to Jesus speak for days.
and in that moment I didn't care about the bear. I started to want Jesus.

And as Allen Hood was praying and ministering over people, I wanted to be seen by Jesus. It reminded me of when Zacchaeus (Luke 19) climbed the tree to see Jesus and Jesus saw him. Those who were desperate to see Jesus were seen by him. And I wondered what is this tree that I am to climb..

When I got home, I was thinking about my time here in Kansas. And on the surface it is quite difficult not to feel sorry for myself (as noted in my previous melancholy entries). I'm pretty much isolated here with no family or friends...the past is fading, the future uncertain. and in that moment I felt as though Jesus was my only close friend.

and so I sang these two lines
Hallelujah, all I have is Christ
Hallelujah, Jesus is my life 

I sang it over and over again. and added a few lines of my own. Remix! 
and I felt the darkness fade because the enemy hates worship! it probably sounds worse than nails on chalkboard to them. they flee in the presence of true worship.

and then i was like oh! I guess that's what I can do (to my earlier question). worship.
to not be discouraged by my sins and bitterness. but to keep seeking after God's heart. keep praying into my circumstances. and when all hope is lost. SING.

it is true that God brought me out here because he loves me. to heal me. but in the most unexpected ways because to do so, I have to first DIE. die to the notion that my goal in life is to build a world where I don't need Jesus. A world where Jesus is just the cherry on top.

and have my eyes opened to see that Jesus is my world.

Whenever I'm reading the Bible and have questions, I ask the Holy Spirit and he usually finds some way to answer them. So earlier this year as I was reading about Jesus being anointed by a woman at Bethany (Matthew 26) I asked him why this passage was so important (it's in all four gospels). and so important that Jesus said that "truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

I think her action of pouring out the costly perfume for Jesus is the picture of our relationship with him. In love, God gave all for us and in gratitude we give all of us to him. and he becomes our all. And God knows the costs, he acknowledges those who give their all for him.

the world sees the rich man as being fortunate. but in the word of God the rich man does not see God while the beggars do. because the beggars have nothing but God. 

I had this one homeless client, who truly had nothing. literally no possessions (they kept getting stolen), no friends, no family. and I found myself thinking then wow...his life really sucks.

but I remember the way his face lit up when he talked about God. how God was his truly his everything.

and thinking now that he is truly blessed. "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven" 

and as am I, for God loved me enough to protect me from the lies of the enemy and to see what is truly worth living for. And I admit that I will most likely forget this truth and fall into the lies over and over again. but that's what community is for, to help remind me of truth. and for me to always depend on God through prayer. and when I find myself in darkness, to sing songs of worship. God will protect me until the very end.

And as I'm falling asleep, I imagine the scene again. and this time I am being embraced by Jesus and as I'm thinking that I wouldn't trade my life right now for anything else, a new song comes to me.

In the arms of Jesus is where I want to be
In the arms of Jesus is the perfect place to be

And I've finally found the home I've been longing for.

---

"The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." 

Grateful Love chords by Jonas Park And Laura Hackett Park

New song by Jonas Park and Laura Hackett Park!
I heard it at the IHOP Onething 2017 conference and below is my attempt to try to figure out the chords to the best of my ability (probably not completely accurate to the original but it'll do) cause the chords weren't up yet.

can listen to the song here --> Grateful Love

CHORDS

C

1

2

3

1 of 15

D

2

3

1

1 of 16

Am7

1

2

1 of 37

G/B

2

1

1 of 19

CAPO 1

C D Am7 G/B


Verse 1
C                          D
Find me here, You pull me close, so near
           Am7                    G/B
Calming my every fear, You don’t reject
C                        D
Kindness comes, deep undeserving love
             Am7                     G/B
Breaking the rules to come rescue me here


Chorus
C             D
Jesus, oh my Lord
         Am7     G/B      C
You have won me, won my heart
D
Over and over and
C               D
I won’t hold it back
         Am7         G/B      C
All my love, all my love for You


Verse 2
C                          D
You can see right to the depths of me
            Am7                           G/B
You say my love is real, and call me Your own
C                      D
You reach in, mercy no man expects
                    Am7           G/B
Bringing me life again, lifting me up


Chorus


Instrumental  C D Am7 G/B


Bridge x2
C                     D
Grateful love is my unending song
              Am7                     G/B
I’ll pour out all my love here at Your feet


Chorus x2
C             D
Jesus, oh my Lord
         Am7     G/B      C
You have won me, won my heart
D
Over and over and
C               D
I won’t hold it back
        Am7          G/B      C
All my love, all my love for You
D
(over and over and)

Encouragement from the past

I found my old journal today and as I was reading it I was encouraged. Reading the entries from my pre-gradschool days before life broke me down - I was so naive and precious then...

praying and writing things like "with humility I pray that I would be prepared for anything"
like HA HA HA omg youuuuuu past Rebekah why did you pray something like that. like did you think that magically POOF God will give you that kind of strength and resiliency without going through the TRIALS AND HARDSHIPS. omg what was I thinking...

I came across one entry that had some bits of advice and was encouraging in the midst of these current difficulties that will make me "prepared for anything". the first paragraph was pretty random and ridiculous...it really did make me laugh..

--
6/6/13

Dear Rebekah,

I hope when you read this again you will laugh. Just to let you know God loves your future husband so much because you are going to be the best wife. seriously. you know it. so have that confidence and don't give your heart away so easily. btw I like this pen..

anyways today you saw the movie This is the End and it made you very grateful for the hope of salvation that you have in Jesus Christ. be joyful always because of this. and be sure to thank God every day. it never gets old. I hope that this is a truth that you will boldly share. and those who are humble in heart will gladly receive.

Did you know that you have the gift of prophecy! use it wisely and to encourage others/ build up the church.

Life is not going to be chill all the time but know that God is always with you. you'll be okay.

Sometimes the difficult situations are necessary. especially to encourage others. always remember that God is good.

I hope that you can also always look forward to each day. God has the best plans for you. like I said He is good!

He is faithful too. so always trust Him.

May He overflow you with love that you may love Him and others.

Faith + Love --> Breastplate
Hope --> Helmet
(followed by stick figure drawing of me wearing the armor)

God will protect you until the very end. that you may be with Jesus forever. with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Love,
Rebekah

--

Earlier, I bashed on my past self for being naive but when I noticed the date of this entry I remembered what I was going through then at the time. It was probably one of the hardest months of my life up until that point. how I was able to write that entry then and trust God is a mystery to me. but in love and wisdom, I wrote this for my future self...almost as if a part of me knew that I would need it later. when the continual hardships of life would test my trust in God and deteriorate the joy. 

My angry rant from two entries ago....the one where I wrote that I wanted to punch God in the face...omg lol... I felt bad about writing that like the next day...but I apologized to God especially when I read that last line "God will protect you until the very end" that part just wrecked me. how much he loves me. I know that God was probably not that upset when I said that because he's above time. He sees me when I'm worshiping him, he sees me when I'm upset at him. He knows it all..

In my pain, I was deceived into doubting God. that's what the enemy does best, deceive. And I gave into it because I just didn't care and was too tired at that point.

but yesterday I was praying, God help me to see the truth. And he answered. and I know I wrote in that bitter entry that I didn't want encouragement. but thank you to those who secretly prayed for me.

The truth always comes out in the end.