Encouragement from the past

I found my old journal today and as I was reading it I was encouraged. Reading the entries from my pre-gradschool days before life broke me down - I was so naive and precious then...

praying and writing things like "with humility I pray that I would be prepared for anything"
like HA HA HA omg youuuuuu past Rebekah why did you pray something like that. like did you think that magically POOF God will give you that kind of strength and resiliency without going through the TRIALS AND HARDSHIPS. omg what was I thinking...

I came across one entry that had some bits of advice and was encouraging in the midst of these current difficulties that will make me "prepared for anything". the first paragraph was pretty random and ridiculous...it really did make me laugh..

--
6/6/13

Dear Rebekah,

I hope when you read this again you will laugh. Just to let you know God loves your future husband so much because you are going to be the best wife. seriously. you know it. so have that confidence and don't give your heart away so easily. btw I like this pen..

anyways today you saw the movie This is the End and it made you very grateful for the hope of salvation that you have in Jesus Christ. be joyful always because of this. and be sure to thank God every day. it never gets old. I hope that this is a truth that you will boldly share. and those who are humble in heart will gladly receive.

Did you know that you have the gift of prophecy! use it wisely and to encourage others/ build up the church.

Life is not going to be chill all the time but know that God is always with you. you'll be okay.

Sometimes the difficult situations are necessary. especially to encourage others. always remember that God is good.

I hope that you can also always look forward to each day. God has the best plans for you. like I said He is good!

He is faithful too. so always trust Him.

May He overflow you with love that you may love Him and others.

Faith + Love --> Breastplate
Hope --> Helmet
(followed by stick figure drawing of me wearing the armor)

God will protect you until the very end. that you may be with Jesus forever. with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Love,
Rebekah

--

Earlier, I bashed on my past self for being naive but when I noticed the date of this entry I remembered what I was going through then at the time. It was probably one of the hardest months of my life up until that point. how I was able to write that entry then and trust God is a mystery to me. but in love and wisdom, I wrote this for my future self...almost as if a part of me knew that I would need it later. when the continual hardships of life would test my trust in God and deteriorate the joy. 

My angry rant from two entries ago....the one where I wrote that I wanted to punch God in the face...omg lol... I felt bad about writing that like the next day...but I apologized to God especially when I read that last line "God will protect you until the very end" that part just wrecked me. how much he loves me. I know that God was probably not that upset when I said that because he's above time. He sees me when I'm worshiping him, he sees me when I'm upset at him. He knows it all..

In my pain, I was deceived into doubting God. that's what the enemy does best, deceive. And I gave into it because I just didn't care and was too tired at that point.

but yesterday I was praying, God help me to see the truth. And he answered. and I know I wrote in that bitter entry that I didn't want encouragement. but thank you to those who secretly prayed for me.

The truth always comes out in the end.

For the love we've lost

I'd rather not loved at all than to have loved and lost.
than to feel the absence of you
they say that time heals
but whoever said that must not have really loved
time dulls the pain
but the pain still lingers on
to the point when some days i wish i had never met you
see i was fine before i met you

but to rather have loved and lost than to not loved at all
would mean that you, or the experience of love, was worth the pain
yet was it really worth it when I can no longer feel the joy of being with you
in the end, memories and just memories.

I came to the realization though that i would rather have loved and lost than to not have loved at all
for reasons that are different from what i once thought
when i saw those who have never loved and lost. i used to envy them
they never knew the unique pain of this type of loss
but see they never knew...
the curiosity in me would have created restlessness
insanity from the wondering and waiting

I am now mildly content in having loved and lost
because at least I know what it feels like
not only to have loved but I know what it feels like to have lost my world, my hopes and dreams, my heart.
to be able to feel empathy for those who have also lost.
to be able to understand and be with them in their pain is love gained for the love we've lost.

I give up

I have completely lost my shit at this moment.
I have given up. I don't have hope. I am not grateful.
God is cruel..I want to punch him in the face.

I am not going to make up some bullshit. I am not going to try to stay positive. I've had enough. I'm done.

If it weren't for my family I would 99.9% end my miserable life. but because of them I will 99.9% not.

This is not a cry for help. Do not reach out to me. It's like I swear Susan if you try to encourage me with a bible verse or some meaningful explanation for suffering I will smack you in the face.

This is me venting. And watching to see what happens. I'm putting this on my blog and not going to delete it later because I want to be able to look back on this moment of authenticity and learn something from it.

Favorite Tweets

Compilation of my fav tweets...


I am always learning. and my biggest mistake would be to think that I have got it all figured out


Playing the pokemon guessing game and I was thinking of bulbasaur and venusaur so I ended up shouting vuvlasaur #awkward


Wore my gym clothes. Planned to go to the gym. Drove past the gym and went back home b/c I was too hungry...#fail #nodiscipline


"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." #TheOffice


"Vacationing is just eating at a place you've never been"


People can't be replaced, but the roles they once had in our lives can.


My first visit to the ER has made me realize that the only thing that's fast and reliable in this country is Amazon Prime.


There are so many things to be hopeful for in life. Like the day I settle down. so I can get a pug puppy.


No matter how trivial it may seem compared to the sufferings of this world, each person's pain still matters.


Me: I was thinking about you :)
Roomie: Awww
Me: oh...I was talking to this cupcake...


Life is humbling and exciting in that everything you once thought and knew can change in just one moment.


I'll never chase a man, but I might just power walk for you #RealLove


LOL why is this phrase under useful phrases in Korean: 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. "My hovercraft is full of eels."


Got Chipotle even though I wasn't hungry b/c I decided earlier today that I would. If only I was this serious about all my other commitments


How beautiful is this life.
How painful is this life.


It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love, but don't lose someone you love over your pride.


The process of being fully satisfied in God is the most freeing and yet painful experience. #endurance #trust


If a person goes through a difficult or painful experience in order to attain something, that thing becomes more attractive.


I wish I could erase my memory and then re-watch Friends.


Sometimes you like a person not because they're cool or popular but because they're not.


Drive thru: Hi can I have a spicy chicken salad. OMG. sandwich. I meant sandwich. that was about to be a tragic situation.


"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."


Sometimes God doesn't heal us while we're dying but waits to resurrect us after we've been dead for 4 days #trust #glory


Life is about perspective. The less money I have the more exciting it is to see how God will provide


Haha WOW this three year old is telling me that she doesnt want to get married cause she doesnt want to get pregnant and have babies


Send my mom the asian glow article about the link between alcohol consumption and esophagul cancer. She responds by buying more beer...


Witnessed my dad loudly singing made up lyrics then tripping over the end of the coach while holding icecream. I'm sucha bad influence...


You can't live in the past, you gotta keep moving forward. But maybe once in awhile you can look back at it and be glad that it happened.


The same world consists of people fighting to live another day and people wishing that they were already dead.


My only regret at the end of my life will probably be that I wished I had loved more.



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https://twitter.com/Reebso

Interview with Laura Hackett

JULIANNA: There's been a lot of buzz around your song, “Lift Up Your Head,” where you sing, "Breathe, darling, breathe. It’s not yet time for you to leave. Love will have its day. Lift up your head. Turn your face to the rising sun while you wait, while you wait for redemption to come.”
Absolutely beautiful lyrics. Can you tell us the inspiration behind this song?

LAURA: Thank you! I wrote this song when I was in a difficult place. I was praying one day and asking the Lord if the season I was in was ever going to change. I heard Him say, “Breathe, darling, breathe. It’s not yet time for you to leave. You can’t yet see what’s right around the corner and the dark night will be over.” That night I went home and was thinking about how encouraged I was by hearing that from the Lord. When we know from God we are in a waiting period that’s going to end someday then it’s easier to wait in the present pain.

Then I read an email from a dear friend who was asking for prayer because she struggles with chronic pain in her body from a degenerative joint disease. I began to feel that phrase the Lord spoke to me that day was for her. The song just began to flow out of me as I thought of her and others in suffering.
I wanted it to be like a company of angels coming to strengthen believers that were suffering to remember that the Lord redeems all our pain. Not one day will be wasted and like a woman who forgets the sorrow of her labor for the joy of a child being born, we too will rejoice in the coming of the Lord when He makes all the wrong things right and redeems all the pain of His saints.

I will remember you

Intercessory prayer is a funny thing...

I went to the IHOP prayer room today and on my way out I saw this sign for prayer requests and in it was a bunch of printed out prayer requests. The sign said to take one and pray for this person daily for a week. The first sheet in the stack was this prayer request of this person struggling with a blood disorder and has been depressed for months.

The word that stood out to me was depressed. as I too have been struggling with depression and this week in particular it has been at its all time worst. so I had compassion for this person who was also reporting to be depressed.

I took the sheet and told myself that I can't forget to pray for this person daily. And so I started praying on the car ride home before I had the chance to forget.

it's funny how in my weakest moments I stopped interceding for others. because my thoughts were that how could I pray for another person when I am barely hanging on myself. I have no strength or desire to carry the burdens of another person. 

But as I was praying for this person, afterwards I realized that all the things I prayed over this person were also the things that I should be praying over myself. it was as if praying for someone else gave me a new perspective on how I could be approaching my also seemingly hopeless situation. 

And one of the things I prayed for this person was that they would remember what God has done for them. That after God answers their prayer they would remember and give thanks.

it reminded me of a poem I wrote 5 years ago

Excitement turns to nostalgia

Anxiety to peace

The things we desire

Pass away in a blink of an eye

What we wait for in patience

Bursts like fireworks in the sky

Only for a moment

What we ask for we receive

To be forgotten, so that we may ask of more

But give thanks to the Lord

Never forget the good things He has done for you

For His love endures

His love endures

During blessings and sufferings

Give thanks in times of blessing

For it is what you desire

Give thanks in times of suffering

For it is what makes you grow

People come and go

The place you once called home

Is no longer yours

But God has never left you

For His love endures

Give thanks to the Lord

For He is good

His love endures forever

I think one of the Israelites greatest mistakes was that after God freed them from slavery in Egypt they soon forgot what he had done for them. They cried out to God for years and years to free them and then like goldfish they forgot! what they had been praying and contending for years, in a moment was gone. even after all the wonders and miracles they had witnessed. there was something new to complain about, something new to ask for. there will always be something else in life.

I am not one to judge them because I do the very same things. I can only learn from their mistakes. And so I went through and proclaimed all the answered prayers that I could think of:

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers for my stomach issues. I can now eat normally and have the energy to do things.
I will remember you

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers for clear skin. I struggled with acne for 9 years. but now it's a lot better.
I will remember you

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers to pass comps and proqual and get matched for internship
I will remember you

etc.

The acne one really gets to me cause I remember looking at myself in the mirror and crying and thinking that if only I had clear skin I would be happy. And praying for years for my acne to go away. and once God answered. I was grateful for like 1 sec and then had something else to cry about.

Right now I have been contending for something for years as well. and it has caused a lot of pain in my life. that at times I feel as though I have been abandoned by God. because after each year goes by and the pain does not subside, it becomes more and more hopeless.

The second to last stanza in the poem amazes me

People come and go

The place you once called home

Is no longer yours

But God has never left you

For His love endures

because when I wrote that in 2012, I had no idea that I would be leaving Maryland the place I once called home. and would be losing and gaining friendships. I had no idea that I would be leaving California and feel so alone in Kansas. and to feel as though I don't have a place to call home. 

but as I was reading the intro to the book of Matthew yesterday. something really stood out to me. It said "At the beginning of the book, Jesus is given the name Immanuel, meaning 'God with us.' At the end, Jesus sends his followers onto the world with the promise that surely I am with you always."

God is with us from the beginning to the end. Always. In this fallen world, it is only he who can promise that. no one else.

this has been one of the most painful weeks of my life but also the best thing that has ever happened to me. because through it I was desperate in seeking God.

I have faith that God will answer my prayer. because I have no other option than to have unwavering faith. but more important than the answered prayer. is to remember the one who is always with me.

I will remember you. 

Closer Than You Know

Update from my last post: So I've been doing a lot better since my last depressing update lol
I was literally like God you have until tomorrow to heal me! or I'm leaving! and of course I stop throwing up the next day. haven't thrown up in over two weeks and feeling much better. just trying to live one day at a time and focus on my relationship with God, cause it's the most important relationship I'll ever have in my life.

I signed up for the IHOP prophetic ministry today. they put you in a group with two other people and have two people share words of encouragement with each person in the group. I really wasn't expecting anything and didn't really pray much before except that I needed encouragement.

These are the words (transcribed from the recording) from the first lady:

Okay so as I asked the Lord about you I felt like he was saying that you're a good worker in the physical but also you're a good worker for him and he loves the partnership that you have with him and that you are faithful 

and Ephesians 2:10 it speaks of having ordained you to "for you are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which he has ordained before the foundation of the world for you" yeah that you are faithful and a faithful bride 

and I saw a picture of a meadow surrounded by trees but then there was this flat green area and you were standing in the middle of it with your hands up raised or your arms uplifted, your face turned towards the sun and the sun was shining down with this soft glow there's this soft mist around you speaking of peace

and so that's the relationship that he wants to have that you have with each other and just the peace and the love that is surrounding you, so he's just encouraging your heart with this, I am with you, you're not on this journey alone, you are partnering with me, it is my work that you've come into you know, so I just bless you with this

---

So when she said that I was a good worker I laughed on the inside cause I'm like the laziest person ever. but I remember in the past thinking about my name Rebekah, and how Rebekah in the bible was known to be hardworking (watering all them camels) and how that's the identity that's over me. I felt like what she was saying about the good works and the partnership is the spiritual identity that is my true identity spoken over me. That's what God sees, even though in the natural I'm not there yet. and the whole sun shining down and the peace is nice. sometimes I just sit outside in the sun and have those moments.

I thought her words were nice. I appreciated them. but not like whoa this is crazy. I had a feeling though that I was gonna cry with the next guy:

Guy: uh....I saw a Pegasus, does that mean anything to you? 
Me: It's like one of my favorite mythical creatures
Guy: Oh really? 
Me: yeah I would pray to God that in heaven I want, I hope I get a Pegasus
Guy: Oh really? wow, so see that was the first thing, so that shows how much the Lord knows you and he loves you, that you're one of a kind, you're unique, I felt like uniqueness, there could be a 100 Rebekah's in the room and you're that you outshine them all, that you're unique in who you are, and what you're called to do, the path that the Lord has set you on.

Isaiah 49:1-2: The Lord called me from the womb and from my mother's body he named my name he made my mouth like a sharp sword and in the shadow of his hand he's hid me, he's made me like a polished arrow and in his quiver, he's kept me close and concealed me

I see you as a woman of strength and beauty. that you're a woman of honor, and a woman of wonder. so let me just pray for you: Holy Ghost I thank you for Rebekah and who she is and the wonderful things that you have set for her to do and the path you have her on that things that you mapped out for her to do in this life, bless her in Jesus name, Amen.  

---

When the guy said Pegasus, I was totally not expecting that. it was so random and so specific that it caught me off guard. I think as I explaining to him what Pegasus meant to me, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't even pay attention to the rest of what he was saying, which was also encouraging. but I was so touched and surprised by the Pegasus.

I'm still trying to process why that was so meaningful to me. I guess cause with the prophetic words like most of what I got is encouraging but it sounds pretty similar to what I've gotten before. and parts of it can be generalized. not completely because as I was hearing the words for the other two people that were in the room with me, like their's wouldn't fit with me at all. so in some sense all of it was more specific to me, but the Pegasus was like mind-blowing. even more than if he had mentioned a sunflower. because I like sunflowers. they're nice. and God's been speaking to me these days through that symbol. but I reaaaalllly want a Pegasus. like seriously hoping for one in heaven (I have mentioned this to God a lot along with my room in heaven to have a Princess Jasmine balcony) and I actually believe that God will give me what I ask for in heaven. And I imagine myself flying around on Pegasus and it makes me so happy. And I find this to be a weird, random thought/belief that probably only I would have. I asked my friend afterwards what would it be like he had said that to her, if a Pegasus meant anything to her, and she was like it would have meant nothing.

I've gotten symbols through words of encouragement before like eagle and sunflower, even a cactus lol. but Pegasus was something special because it's so out there that it had to be more than just a coincidence. like even as the guy was saying it, he was like uh.....a Pegasus? it just reminded me how real God is and as the guy said, God really does love me and know me. and knows the desires of my heart. these days I feel like God has forgotten or been ignoring the desires of my heart. but hearing that showed me that God remembers. and it reminds me that even if I don't get everything I want in this life, I have a hope for eternal life. a life where I can fly around on my Pegasus.

In Revelation it talks about Jesus on a white horse and his army in heaven on white horses. I wonder if they have Pegasuses too. so maybe it's a real thing in heaven. Idk anyways. I feel like in this hectic at times mundane life, you feel like just a face among a billion others. that God has other more important things to focus on and more important or more godly people to attend to. how could he possibly remember your most obscure and intimate desires.

but you may find that he's closer than you know.