Overcoming unhealthy habits with Gratitude

This is not a well organized concept or thought but something that I'm just jotting down and will probably refine later.

A few weeks ago? I think I was reading one of the bible verses of the day on my bible app before I went to sleep. and came across this verse (I totally don't remember) but as I read this verse I somehow came to this conclusion: huh interesting, a way to fight sin is through gratitude. and then fell asleep.

I'm going to use the words "unhealthy habits" instead of sin because sin could mean a lot of things.

I noticed that this past week I have been not engaging in unhealthy habits. And I realized that since the time I received the prophetic word, my heart and mind have been filled with gratitude. I've been noticing the ways that God has been looking out for me this week and blessing me. Prayers being answered.

As I struggled with unhealthy habits throughout my life. I realized -because my impulse control and ability to meditate on consequences at times are low - that I can't change my habits unless I no longer want to engage in them. I cannot will myself to change. I need to want to change, and not only want to change, but actually experience the lack of desire for things that are not good for me.

When you are already satisfied with something you will most likely not desire after other things because you are full.  My chances of eating a hamburger right after already eating steak are going to be slim. It's when I'm starving for food that I'll seek after that hamburger.

As I was thinking about this, my mind was taken aback to Genesis chapter 3 when the serpent tricked Eve. Perhaps if Eve were satisfied with the fruit she already had or the role that she had in the garden, she probably wouldn't have desired after the fruit or knowledge that was forbidden.

Keeping in mind that all things on this earth seem to be temporary, the practice of gratitude needs to be a regular thing. As regular as eating normal meals. Hmm is that why it is customary to give thanks before meals? Perhaps genuine gratitude is part of the spiritual meals we are to eat in order for our souls or spirits to remain satisfied so we do not look to other things to feed our desires.

Prophetic Word Transcribed

Requested for a prophetic word through Gary Morse Ministries

http://www.prophetictimes.com/

Received it on 2/20/16 Saturday. I broke down when I heard it because it was so accurate and it felt like God was speaking to me directly. I've received prophetic words/ words of encouragement before, but it never really hit me the way this one did. I was really touched to hear God's words for me. sounds kinda weird, but the thought that came to me was that I really missed him. I never knew that I could miss God, but I missed him so much. it was as if after many years without contact, I finally got a phone call from him. Not sure about the part of the transition towards the end but I'm excited and hopeful for the months ahead.

Here it is transcribed exactly from the audio (imagine a man with a Southern accent):

Rebekah you are in a tremendous season of great transition and change. There was a time in your life when certain things happened, I'm just getting a picture now where you, your lives and those some people you were close to, your heart was connected to, lives went in different directions and at times there is you missed, there's times of sadness, even times of, you experienced some deep grief, but the LORD was there, he strengthened you and rose you up, and he carried you out from that place, and he set your feet on solid footing. I can also tell you that this last past season has been very trying for you, but the encouraging word for you is this, and I said it at the beginning - Joy.

The LORD said, I have heard your prayers, and your cries, and I know the things that you hold dear in your heart. And the LORD wants me to let you know and encourage you Rebekah that those prayers are about to become answered. They're like things stored up in a chest that has been shut up and locked and you tried so hard to get into the chest, but it wasn't the season, but I see a lock coming off of it, and it's not by your doing, it's by the hand of the LORD. He's removing the lock, and he's beginning to open the lid, and the LORD says in your eyes is gunna be filled with wonderment. I see you embracing loved ones. I see a reconnect as it were of some loved ones.

Also wanna encourage you and let you know that several things are about to take place and change in your life. I wouldn't, if I were you, I would not want to hold on to any one thing. I would give everything, just submit it all to the LORD because things are changing all around you. New plans are about to be revealed to you says the LORD. The LORD says I'm going to be revealing new plans. The LORD says for you Rebekah to get ready between now and the month of May or June. The LORD says I'm gunna begin touching your life with small blessings, each and everyday, or even during the week. And the LORD says do not look for them, the big monumental blessings, but the LORD says look for me. look for me in every detail of your life. each and every day. get a notepad and a pencil because see that's what you're good at. you're good at writing. get a notepad and pencil. and begin writing down what you hear. begin writing down what I say, says the LORD because I'm gunna begin revealing to you new revelation, new information. and I'm gunna begin bringing you out of the old and I'm gunna bring you into a new territory where your joy is going to be full. where your joy is going to be full. Amen.

Get ready. things are shifting. there's even gunna be somewhat of geographical shifting. you're probably thinking geographical. what does that mean? does that mean maybe where I live and how I live. well it very well may be but you know what. i don't know the details about that. only God does. you'll have to get that answer from him. and the best way to get that answer is don't hang on to nothing. don't say I don't wanna do that. you just say whatever you want from me because you created me and you know what's best for me. and you just surrender it all. and then the Holy Spirit will begin downloading the rest of the things. and he'll begin connecting the dots and you'll be blessed because of it.

"A person should be satisfied with a dream which is within one's reach. Because coveting a dream far away makes one only upset and heartbroken. Because empty passion leaves only heartache. That's why the stupidest thing in the world is unrequited love.

However, the reason that stupid unrequited love is worth giving a shot...
is because that passion sometimes creates a big miracle. Sometimes, the passion can go round and round, and at the end, achieve its goal. If it can't achieve the goal, passion gives you the chance to become happy being near to that dream.

Of course, such things really rarely happen. Unrequited love almost always fails. But because you're afraid of failure, and you're just worrying in advance what to do for a living without pursuing your passions, that's also a bit sad, isn't it? Rather than thinking only about what you can do, let's first think what you want to do. You have just one life."

-Reply 1997

"And also, to love someone, means that no matter how much pain, or grief, that person causes you, you find yourself wanting to hate them so much...yet...you can never bring yourself to hate them. To love someone doesn't mean that you don't hate them. It means you can't hate them" 

-Reply 1988

Mid 20's

When I'm sad
does my skin turn blue?
it doesn't show
though inside it's true

I can't not smile
it's harder not to pretend
this is my normal
my old friend

I'm too young to complain
too old to change my ways
stuck in the middle
lost in the haze

Another day has passed
feels like it's gone to waste
responsibilities weigh me down
tomorrow arrives in a haste

Though some days are slow
too slow for my young taste
but I'm too old, too tired to change
another day has gone to waste.

Long Christmas Letter

12/25/15

Dear God,

Merry Christmas! These days I feel like if I journal I won't read it because right now I'm too lazy and unmotivated to do anything. But maybe one day when I'm older and wiser, I will and have a good chuckle.

I think I'm having somewhat of an identity crisis again after coming to Rosemead. my sense of belonging is zip and I'm not motivated to keep up with relationships, though a part of me also wants to. I wish hanging out with friends came more naturally like it did in college, but I guess now I need to be more intentional or accept that there are certain people for certain seasons of my life and the rest I guess I'll just like/heart their posts on social media.

These days I miss my friend ___ a lot. We were kind of tight this year. Strange how that's the case. I guess some people are meant to stay in your life even when it seems as though they shouldn't. We don't live in the same area. We don't plan on meeting up. I don't really keep in consistent contact with anyone else from ____, but I wonder why we did.

I've been thinking about destiny. and I really like this concept of fate or destiny. It suits my personality. being more go with the flow and less of a planner. I don't know if it's something that I want to believe or something that is actually true. but nonetheless. perhaps this concept of destiny comforts me.

I don't like to think deeply about things because it takes too much brain work. Sometimes I come across as aloof, but I'm actually very much aware of what's happening around me and I tend to think deeply about things. people are fascinating. perhaps that's why I seek to understand people. but the more I seek, the less I seem to know. and the more I do, the less I actually want to be around people.

So perhaps it's better that I don't know. I'm not sure how far I want to go in this field of psychology. how much I want to know about pathology. but I hope that you protect my heart and keep it soft. we all start with good intentions. but we often forget why we even started in the first place. humans are forgetful like that. I hope that as much as I hate getting humbled. that I stay humble. and seek you for wisdom in all this craziness we call life.

In the midst of all these experiences, I always takeaway golden nuggets of truth. From my experience at Rosemead. I guess in a roundabout way, I've learned to experience emotions. to not bury or avoid them. but to feel the good and bad. to sit with disappointments, pain, heartache, sadness, and sufferings.

I hope that through all this God, we can together, with the people around me, truly embody integration of the study of the human soul here and of your eternal plan for us. your kingdom and the world you loved so much. to be real and loving in all this. as frustrating as it is for me. to remember love.

God. Father. Godfather. lol. but anyways. Father forgive me. for I have sinned against you in many ways. but for the past years specifically, I have been passive and apathetic. knowing what is right but unable to live it out. loving what is bad and ignoring what is good. my love at times cold.

But I trust that you will finish the good work you began in me. all I have to do is stay close to you. I remember, years ago, writing similar things in my journal and you brought me out of that place. but also knowing now that the wilderness is an integral part of my story as well. we live and we learn. and through and by your son Jesus there is grace and truth. I could have been born before this time, but perhaps it was your love for me and my destiny to be born after Jesus's time on earth. Because had I been born in the OT (old testament), I probably would have been smitten by now. but I wasn't born then, I was born now.

So going back to this concept of destiny. During ___, I tried to avoid _____. thinking that if I avoid him, then it'll save me from heartbreak. but perhaps I was destined to like him, and get to know him, and get my heart broken. perhaps that was not something to have been avoided. because three years later, it has happened. I couldn't escape.

I guess now, I have to deal with it. no judgment to myself and my foolish ways and breaking my "rules to prevent heartbreak." experience the longing and the rejection and the disappointment. and in the midst of it all, still have hope in you God for redemption and restoration. and trust in you with all my heart that the story you planned for me. that my destiny does not end in heartbreak and disappointments.

but that you will fulfill the desires of my heart. and that the desires of my heart will be pleasing to you.

Love,
Rebekah

Day 40

Commencement

I am the queen of procrastination for a reason ^^"
HAHAHAHAHA three years later I am FINALLY writing the last post. so on day 40 I'm supposed to write about the last days of GLDI, such as the awesome talent show and the commencement. but now that's in my distant memory. I thought I would end this with an update of what has happened since then.

SO MUCH has happened...

Honestly, I can say that I am so so so glad that I went to GLDI and am a part of the network. I barely remember the material that I've learned and have gained like 15 pounds since then (obv not keeping up with the physical disciplines) but the relationships I've gained have been priceless. The reunions, official and unofficial, since the end of the 40 days have been amazing. I still talk to some of the people from GLDI and literally have been encouraged by them as recently as today. We still pray for each other and remind each other to continue in the faith just as it was spoken over us the first days into the program.

Also the crazy thing is that a year later, I returned to Southern California. Sarang the church I visited during the program is the church I've been attending now for the past year and a half.  Rosemead the School of Psychology that I heard in passing from the GLDI staff Angela and Dr. Ben Shin is the school I attend now, training to become a psychologist. If it weren't for this program, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.

GOD AND HIS PLANS. Seriously....
During GLDI I'm all like ummmmm God, what is my calling. what am I supposed to do after I graduate. and God's like you are exactly where you need to be right now...

Here's the thing though. These past two years in gradschool, here in SoCal have been probably the hardest two years of my life on a whole 'nother level.

Three years ago in my GLDI blog. I wrote in my ridiculousness that I would "blow up" the field of psychology and change counseling. but in reality psychology blew up me. I was humbled. the way I viewed spiritually and emotions and life and people was wrecked. and over the years slowly being constructed. At times I am so disorientated. like who am i. where am i. what time period am I in. what am I even doing here?

Never was that attached to my family. but these past two years I've missed them so much. leaving them after each visit was heart breaking. my best friend who I've been so close with since I was 4 years old. being apart is heart breaking. Not having the familiar community here in SoCal on top of the grueling amount of training that I was going through. yes heart breaking.

Spiritual disciplines at some points were non-existent. Battling through bitterness. Whenever someone referred to me as a "prayer warrior" like I was in the old days. I was like noooopppe don't call me that. I'm not even a prayer peasant at this point.

But through it all, God was with me. He never left my side. Even though my "spirituality" was at an all time low. I never felt dry because His presence was with me. And I kept telling myself that God doesn't hate me. He loves me. His plans for me are good. For His namesake. And for my good.

After I got my Masters, I seriously contemplated dropping out of my program and not continuing for the Doctorate. not because I was falling behind in my training, in fact in my evaluations/grades I was doing surprisingly/ annoyingly well. but because (i know this sounds super ungrateful educational wise, given my opportunities and those who really want this chance...) but I REALLY DON'T CARE about academics or having the title Dr. So. Yet, I've tasted the privilege of therapeutic work and know I still have so much to learn. plus I've also acquired a massive amount of student loan debt that there's no turning back. So, I half reluctantly came back to finish my training.

Three years ago, I wrote in my blog to keep studying in the field of psychology "keep me accountable! and pray for me please. don't forget Rebekah. this is a commitment that you actually need to keep". After I just read that oh man tears just came out of my eyeballs. And I said to myself. Ok, I will. I'll do it.

And then I said to the Holy Spirit. Okay. We once did the impossible (for me) by running two miles without stopping. Let's run three more miles (three more years until the doctorate) together.

Only God knows if I will be able to make it. Who knows what the reasons for me being in SoCal are. what His plans for me are in the field of psychology. Why the person who least wants to get a doctorate has been given the opportunity and abilities to do so.

But I trust God that in the end it'll be worth it.
And pray that I'll enjoy the journey.