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The Power of Believing

So every Tuesdays here at Rosemead we have Chapel. and today was a memorial chapel service for a faculty member who had recently passed away after battling cancer for 15 years.

To be honest I didn't think that I would get emotional because I didn't know her at all. But as people shared their memories about her and how she impacted their lives. I was so moved and tears just started to come out of my eyeballs....

she must have had a great character to be impacting the lives of people she hasn't even met...

the one thing that everyone mentioned was that when they were around this woman they felt so valued and special. that she believed in them. She saw the potential and good in them even when couldn't. not only that it wasn't faked but her warmth was genuine

it hurt my heart so much because at times I am so icy cold. I call myself the ice queen or joke around about how I have no heart. or how I'm such a jerk or insensitive. Queen of distancing. I like to make fun of people instead of encouraging them. I'm horrible at first impressions. and I look angry or bored most of the time (apparently I have severe downward curved lips, and there are plastic surgeries in Korea to fix that)

sometimes I try keep my mouth in "smile mode" but it hurts my chubby cheeks...
when I see people who are so warm, I want to have that warmth.

but I'm sure that if I had met this woman. she would have thought quite the opposite of me. she would have seen the potential for warmth in me.

sometimes all we need is for someone to believe in us.

two people I like in the bible is Abraham and Peter. and what I like about them is that God and Jesus changes their names. Abram--> Abraham (Father of a multitude) and Simon ---> Cephas/Peter (rock)

God believed in Abraham and brought forth his identity even before Abraham had his first son! even though Abraham messed up and instead of waiting for that promised child, he had Ishmael, and deceived Pharaoh and Abimalech (I probably spelled that wrong) about Sarah being his wife and disobeyed God by bring Lot along with him. God still fulfilled his promise in Abraham. And Abraham ended up sacrificing his son to God in faith! the guy who was unsure about God giving him a son and God protecting him, later on does something so bold. And because of that all the nations are blessed through him. And he really does become the father of many! And Abraham is credited as righteous through his faith.

Jesus believed in Peter before he even started his discipleship with him. Peter the one who was so rash and had so little faith. Peter who claimed that he would die for Jesus, and then betrayed him three times. But before all that even happened, Jesus spoke life and truth into him. He proclaimed that Peter's true identity -that he is rock. He is a stable leader that will build the foundations of the church.

there have been times in my life in which I questioned whether I was even worthy of serving or being a leader. worthy of doing anything for the kingdom. worthy of even being a child of God. but during those times God put people in my life who believed in me and wouldn't let me give up.

God gave me second chances and forgave me. He believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself.
And throughout my life I realized that I also need to keep believing in Him. that He will finish the work He began in me. I guess it's funny one of the main things that Jesus tells us to do is to BELIEVE in him.
why is it that we act like we got to do this all on our own...

maybe I wasn't able to make others feel valued because I didn't feel valued....
oooooh getting all psychological....we'll save that for later....

but anyways I think that when people believe in you, you begin to change naturally...
I know that God believes in me and I need to spend time reflecting on my true identity again.
the person God intended me to be.
I know that there is a Rebekah who is warm and friendly. Who will also speak life and truth in others and believe in them.

Sometimes you have to draw it out...


California

sooooooo update from Cali

to be honest I had mixed feelings about moving here. 18 year old Rebekah would have been like "that's my dream!!!" but ahahahaha I guess now I feel "old" and I'm at the point where moving to another state and starting a new life is not really exciting. I rather just chill in my comfortable home and have my mom feed me and hang out with the friends who know the "real" me etc...

the first two weeks? (I can't even keep track of time anymore) have been interesting...
I felt like I was here physically but not mentally/emotionally if that makes sense. I think the first week I was like who am I...am I dreaming....what is life.....lol

at some points it was like wow. it's really just me and God. I have truly left everything behind. and it's not like study abroad in Korea where I'm like away from home, wooooooo partayyyy, everything is so fun!
this is I'm away from home and this is real life. and I got a monster schedule waking up at 6:50am to get ready and go to class. and readings and papers due already...

ahahaha turns out also that I am not diligent in gradschool either....
our professors explained that most gradschool students are neurotic. I guess I am an exception...

this is random. but sometimes I feel like an earthquake is going to hit out of nowhere. actually kind of excited for my first earthquake here. but anyways or something else is going to happen. like I'll drop out of the program and give up. or I'll get kidnapped while walking around my neighborhood (the sunset/evening weather is really nice btw)

but whenever I think those neg thoughts. I remind myself that God did not bring me all the way out here to harm me but to prosper me. I'm going to be challenged, it's going to be painful at times. but I'm going to grow. and learn. and thrive. this education is not only for me but for people I have yet to meet.

there are really good things as well. I actually love my professors here. I love how freely we can talk about God and spiritual things in class. they even pray for us! it's like everything makes sense. and they know how to teach. and one time I was sitting in class and I was like this is fun! wow I have never used the adj "fun" to describe a class...

also as I was walking around campus I realized that Biola's mascot is an eagle! and so was Yonsei's. my favorite bird (besides chicken only because that's my fav animal to eat) but yeah the eagle represents alot of things for me...I take it as a good sign.

I'm thankful to have gotten into this program cause alot of people I saw at the interview did not seem to have made it into the program...and this program seems like it'll really equip me to become the best psychologist...

speaking of becoming a psychologist. apparently I test on undergrads this semester and get my first client next semester! ahahahaha....can't believe they trust us....this is real life...

I don't know if I'll ever be ready to become a "professional" but I guess I have matured in a lot of ways even since I made this blog. sometimes I read my old entries and I'm like I kinda miss that young, ridiculous girl...she was fun. and now I'm like blahhhh. but I guess I'll learn how to balance fun and professionalism. even though I'll always be secretly weird and silly.

I noticed I say "I guess" alot. and in life "I guess" you're never really certain about alot of things. especially in the field of psychology....

we'll see what happens....
mood: somewhat excited. aka something that I probably won't expect will happen. oh life.

aha first week of school I got lost and jumped this wall. ended up scraping my stomach and arms. rough day....

my roomies

my "apartment" complex 

so beautiful view walking around


my cohort

my roomies and I eating chicken then bingsoo! 

my bomb diggity apartment



Summer Camp 2013

Start with the "fun" moments from camp

-The time the door got jammed and Miravan cried cause she thought we would be stuck in the classroom forever.

-Name a country in South America!
Chipotle!!

-When Jeremiah made me memorize the birthdays of his entire family, including his extended family members.

-When I accidentally ate Miravan’s fruit snacks and she cried.
Where are my fruit snacks?
Ummm….I’m sorry Miravan they’re gone…
What?? Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. What happened to them?
Uhhh….don’t worry about it.

-When the kids discovered that I squeal when they poke my stomach fat…


-Yuri: you look like Belle
Me: From Beauty and the Beast?
Yuri: yeah cause you have big eyes like Belle
Me: oooh thank you ^_^ is that why you want me to wear heavy dark makeup on my eyes…
Yuri: yeah cause Belle is sooooo ugly

Me: -_____-;;

---

To be honest I didn't really want to do summer camp at first. My dad just suggested it because I needed another job over the summer. However, I got like 10 more students? at the tutoring job that I worked at and suddenly my schedule was packed. For the month of July I would be leaving for camp at 7:45am and coming home some nights from tutoring at 10:00pm. 

So ofcourse I was like safjslakfjalkfjwalkj!! what did I get myself into!! but God really answered my prayers that everything would work out. it took alot of faith cause literally the first week of camp, I got the stomach flu again and thought I was going to die. but during those moments I trusted God and gave thanks (I have learned to do the opposite of what the Israelites did in the wilderness) 

the next three weeks flew by and I was having so much fun. not only that. I only had 2 kids in my classroom! when I was supposed to have like 6. and my 2 kids were angels. we were in our class listening to classical music and reading books while the kids in the other class next door were screaming. and I was supposed to teach an art class but Karina took over. oh thank you Lord. He knows I would have died otherwise. 

To my surprise, summer camp also changed my mentality towards kids. Growing up I really liked working with kids and I couldn't wait to have kids. then recently I was like ummmmmmm maybe not. ehh kids are not that great and they are so much work and responsibility. and kinda annoying. and so on....

but after hanging out with the kids from summer camp. i realized that I sort of missed them. and my 1st graders were melting away the walls around my heart towards children. realistically kids are alot of work. but they're also worth it. something about them....ahaha I feel like Gru from Despicable Me. 

Just want to end with a story from the last day of camp.
sometimes I do this thing with kids where I imagine what they'll be like when they grow up. and some of the kids i'm like uhhhhh I hope they turn out okay. so on the last day I wanted to bless my students. I took Jeremiah and Miravan aside separately and prayed for each of them. 

Jeremiah in the bible is considered to be the weeping prophet. so I prayed that he would always be filled with joy. he also is so much smarter than the other kids (he's four and he know's how to solve square roots) so I prayed that he would have mercy on others and not look down upon them. and etc...

Afterwards Jeremiah gave me a big smile and he was quite nice to me...he even shared his Doritos with me later. which is a big deal for him. 

Then I prayed for Miravan. background story: the first day of camp Miravan tells me that her dad died. pretty intense. but this girl is always smiling and is so sweet. so I prayed that she would be the sunshine of this world and she would melt even the coldest hearts. that she would have compassion on others and bring healing to them. and after I prayed for her I opened my eyes and saw that she had tears in her eyes? I didn't want to embarrass her so I didn't say anything. but then later she told me that while I was praying for her, she cried tears of joy. 

I was like what the heck.. I really didn't even expect the kids to understand haha cause they did not seem to pay attention at all during bible study. but it's amazing how God can touch their hearts at such a young age. 

God never ceases to amaze me. 









Two Year Update


                                                            EMMAUS Banquet Testimony
                                                                   Video Credit: Cheeia


Wow can't believe it's already been over two years since I shared my testimony at the EMMAUS Banquet.

Today in service we sang the song In Your Freedom. As I was singing this song a wave of emotions hit me cause I listened to this song a bajillion times while I was in Korea.

I realized that everything from Korea has already faded away. the friends I made, the food I ate, the church that I attended.

everything except God.

ALOT of things have changed in these two years. I've lost of lot of friends, made many new ones. My relationship with my family has gotten alot better. I'd like to think I got less sluggish. hehe. I wake up at 7am now! who am I...

In Korea I changed my major to Psychology and joked around about going to grad school in California.
Now it's a reality as I still can't believe I'm getting my doctorate in Clinical Psyc and moving to Orange County in less than a month.

-I read in an article that the real world is harsh so we should just stay in school forever. change majors. hide in the bushes if you have to. the author wrote-

True story. I'm in the class of 2018 o.O not counting the year or two I'll spend working on my dissertation. ackkkk I don't even know what a dissertation is....

but anyways. moving to California means I am literally leaving everyone and everything I know here and starting new. which I could see as a good thing. but all this change has been making my brain hurt. I realized that it is difficult to have a stable friendship/relationship with anyone and to be honest it made me kind of sad.

as I was listening to this song though during worship, I felt very comforted knowing that even though all these changes God remains the same.

wherever I go. whoever I am. His love and faithfulness endures.

I search for You God of strength 
I bow to You in my brokenness 
And no other King could have so humbly come 
To save my soul and heal my heart 
I have nothing more than all You offer me 
There is nothing else that's of worth to me 
And I love You Lord 
You rescued me 
You are all that I want 
You're all that I need 
I pray to You God of peace 
I rest in You my cares released 
I have nothing more than all You offer me 
There is nothing else that's of worth to me 
And I love You Lord 
You rescued me 
You are all that I want 
You're all that I need 
In Your freedom I will live 
In Your freedom I will live 
I offer devotion, I offer devotion

Necessary cute stuff

tutoring with my third grade student

John: why do girls like cutesy stuff
Me: You're the one who likes eggs because they're cute
John: yeah but I eat them, boys only like necessary cute stuff.

Not hungry.

Come home from work 9pm

Mom: did you eat dinner?
Me: yeah I already ate
Mom: want me to make you steak?
Me: nah I'm not hungry, I'm just gunna eat watermelon
Mom: you sure? Just eat half of one
Me: okay...

She makes me a whole steak
Me: I'm only going to eat half
Mom: okay Dad can eat the rest

nomnomnom. this is dericious!

15min later...
Aww man I ate it all...

my mom is cracking up

Me: what's so funny?
Mom: you said you weren't even hungry but you ate a whole steak

-___- this is why I'm not losing any weight...