Encouragement from the past

I found my old journal today and as I was reading it I was encouraged. Reading the entries from my pre-gradschool days before life broke me down - I was so naive and precious then...

praying and writing things like "with humility I pray that I would be prepared for anything"
like HA HA HA omg youuuuuu past Rebekah why did you pray something like that. like did you think that magically POOF God will give you that kind of strength and resiliency without going through the TRIALS AND HARDSHIPS. omg what was I thinking...

I came across one entry that had some bits of advice and was encouraging in the midst of these current difficulties that will make me "prepared for anything". the first paragraph was pretty random and ridiculous...it really did make me laugh..

--
6/6/13

Dear Rebekah,

I hope when you read this again you will laugh. Just to let you know God loves your future husband so much because you are going to be the best wife. seriously. you know it. so have that confidence and don't give your heart away so easily. btw I like this pen..

anyways today you saw the movie This is the End and it made you very grateful for the hope of salvation that you have in Jesus Christ. be joyful always because of this. and be sure to thank God every day. it never gets old. I hope that this is a truth that you will boldly share. and those who are humble in heart will gladly receive.

Did you know that you have the gift of prophecy! use it wisely and to encourage others/ build up the church.

Life is not going to be chill all the time but know that God is always with you. you'll be okay.

Sometimes the difficult situations are necessary. especially to encourage others. always remember that God is good.

I hope that you can also always look forward to each day. God has the best plans for you. like I said He is good!

He is faithful too. so always trust Him.

May He overflow you with love that you may love Him and others.

Faith + Love --> Breastplate
Hope --> Helmet
(followed by stick figure drawing of me wearing the armor)

God will protect you until the very end. that you may be with Jesus forever. with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

Love,
Rebekah

--

Earlier, I bashed on my past self for being naive but when I noticed the date of this entry I remembered what I was going through then at the time. It was probably one of the hardest months of my life up until that point. how I was able to write that entry then and trust God is a mystery to me. but in love and wisdom, I wrote this for my future self...almost as if a part of me knew that I would need it later. when the continual hardships of life would test my trust in God and deteriorate the joy. 

My angry rant from two entries ago....the one where I wrote that I wanted to punch God in the face...omg lol... I felt bad about writing that like the next day...but I apologized to God especially when I read that last line "God will protect you until the very end" that part just wrecked me. how much he loves me. I know that God was probably not that upset when I said that because he's above time. He sees me when I'm worshiping him, he sees me when I'm upset at him. He knows it all..

In my pain, I was deceived into doubting God. that's what the enemy does best, deceive. And I gave into it because I just didn't care and was too tired at that point.

but yesterday I was praying, God help me to see the truth. And he answered. and I know I wrote in that bitter entry that I didn't want encouragement. but thank you to those who secretly prayed for me.

The truth always comes out in the end.

For the love we've lost

I'd rather not loved at all than to have loved and lost.
than to feel the absence of you
they say that time heals
but whoever said that must not have really loved
time dulls the pain
but the pain still lingers on
to the point when some days i wish i had never met you
see i was fine before i met you

but to rather have loved and lost than to not loved at all
would mean that you, or the experience of love, was worth the pain
yet was it really worth it when I can no longer feel the joy of being with you
in the end, memories and just memories.

I came to the realization though that i would rather have loved and lost than to not have loved at all
for reasons that are different from what i once thought
when i saw those who have never loved and lost. i used to envy them
they never knew the unique pain of this type of loss
but see they never knew...
the curiosity in me would have created restlessness
insanity from the wondering and waiting

I am now mildly content in having loved and lost
because at least I know what it feels like
not only to have loved but I know what it feels like to have lost my world, my hopes and dreams, my heart.
to be able to feel empathy for those who have also lost.
to be able to understand and be with them in their pain is love gained for the love we've lost.

I give up

I have completely lost my shit at this moment.
I have given up. I don't have hope. I am not grateful.
God is cruel..I want to punch him in the face.

I am not going to make up some bullshit. I am not going to try to stay positive. I've had enough. I'm done.

If it weren't for my family I would 99.9% end my miserable life. but because of them I will 99.9% not.

This is not a cry for help. Do not reach out to me. It's like I swear Susan if you try to encourage me with a bible verse or some meaningful explanation for suffering I will smack you in the face.

This is me venting. And watching to see what happens. I'm putting this on my blog and not going to delete it later because I want to be able to look back on this moment of authenticity and learn something from it.

Favorite Tweets

Compilation of my fav tweets...


I am always learning. and my biggest mistake would be to think that I have got it all figured out


Playing the pokemon guessing game and I was thinking of bulbasaur and venusaur so I ended up shouting vuvlasaur #awkward


Wore my gym clothes. Planned to go to the gym. Drove past the gym and went back home b/c I was too hungry...#fail #nodiscipline


"I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them." #TheOffice


"Vacationing is just eating at a place you've never been"


People can't be replaced, but the roles they once had in our lives can.


My first visit to the ER has made me realize that the only thing that's fast and reliable in this country is Amazon Prime.


There are so many things to be hopeful for in life. Like the day I settle down. so I can get a pug puppy.


No matter how trivial it may seem compared to the sufferings of this world, each person's pain still matters.


Me: I was thinking about you :)
Roomie: Awww
Me: oh...I was talking to this cupcake...


Life is humbling and exciting in that everything you once thought and knew can change in just one moment.


I'll never chase a man, but I might just power walk for you #RealLove


LOL why is this phrase under useful phrases in Korean: 내 호버크라프트는 장어로 가득 차 있어요. "My hovercraft is full of eels."


Got Chipotle even though I wasn't hungry b/c I decided earlier today that I would. If only I was this serious about all my other commitments


How beautiful is this life.
How painful is this life.


It's okay to lose your pride over someone you love, but don't lose someone you love over your pride.


The process of being fully satisfied in God is the most freeing and yet painful experience. #endurance #trust


If a person goes through a difficult or painful experience in order to attain something, that thing becomes more attractive.


I wish I could erase my memory and then re-watch Friends.


Sometimes you like a person not because they're cool or popular but because they're not.


Drive thru: Hi can I have a spicy chicken salad. OMG. sandwich. I meant sandwich. that was about to be a tragic situation.


"Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."


Sometimes God doesn't heal us while we're dying but waits to resurrect us after we've been dead for 4 days #trust #glory


Life is about perspective. The less money I have the more exciting it is to see how God will provide


Haha WOW this three year old is telling me that she doesnt want to get married cause she doesnt want to get pregnant and have babies


Send my mom the asian glow article about the link between alcohol consumption and esophagul cancer. She responds by buying more beer...


Witnessed my dad loudly singing made up lyrics then tripping over the end of the coach while holding icecream. I'm sucha bad influence...


You can't live in the past, you gotta keep moving forward. But maybe once in awhile you can look back at it and be glad that it happened.


The same world consists of people fighting to live another day and people wishing that they were already dead.


My only regret at the end of my life will probably be that I wished I had loved more.



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https://twitter.com/Reebso

Interview with Laura Hackett

JULIANNA: There's been a lot of buzz around your song, “Lift Up Your Head,” where you sing, "Breathe, darling, breathe. It’s not yet time for you to leave. Love will have its day. Lift up your head. Turn your face to the rising sun while you wait, while you wait for redemption to come.”
Absolutely beautiful lyrics. Can you tell us the inspiration behind this song?

LAURA: Thank you! I wrote this song when I was in a difficult place. I was praying one day and asking the Lord if the season I was in was ever going to change. I heard Him say, “Breathe, darling, breathe. It’s not yet time for you to leave. You can’t yet see what’s right around the corner and the dark night will be over.” That night I went home and was thinking about how encouraged I was by hearing that from the Lord. When we know from God we are in a waiting period that’s going to end someday then it’s easier to wait in the present pain.

Then I read an email from a dear friend who was asking for prayer because she struggles with chronic pain in her body from a degenerative joint disease. I began to feel that phrase the Lord spoke to me that day was for her. The song just began to flow out of me as I thought of her and others in suffering.
I wanted it to be like a company of angels coming to strengthen believers that were suffering to remember that the Lord redeems all our pain. Not one day will be wasted and like a woman who forgets the sorrow of her labor for the joy of a child being born, we too will rejoice in the coming of the Lord when He makes all the wrong things right and redeems all the pain of His saints.