Unexpected grace

God it's almost time for my trip to Maryland to be over but I just want to say thanks.

In the past month, I've been crying almost everyday. Idk if it's just that I feel more emotions being a therapist or I'm depressed or all the changes or my health or combination of everything. 

In the past week I've felt pretty hopeless and worthless. And it broke my heart that I didn't want to live anymore. Because I feel as though as I get older, life just becomes more painful. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna end my life or anything...I just wouldn't mind dying peacefully now. because I feel as though there isn't much to look forward to. 

But one thing that always keeps me going is family and friends. And I'm grateful when you speak to others or touch the lives of my friends through me, especially in the most unexpected ways. I didn't expect you to allow me to be a part of your work but that's when I am the happiest at times and feel your grace. That you would allow me, in my ridiculousness, to do your work. Even in my bitterness. By simply being myself. 

In life I have been realizing. Idk if this right but this is what I've been learning in this beautiful and painful. broken but also purposeful thing called life. That what's truly important is to be free. to be vulnerable. to be genuine. and to love. 

I want to go back to being the woman you uniquely created me to be. To be happy with myself. And to genuinely love you and love others. That's all I want to focus on. 

And to heal. Because despite all the mess and pain in this life, I want to believe that your ability and heart to redeem is greater.