The Vulnerability of God

 A few days ago i felt God's presence so strongly.

it was wonderful. i really needed it because

it came at a time i was so angry with him.

i was on reddit reading comments on a post by an atheist about the cruelty of the biblical story of God testing Abraham by asking him to sacrifice his one and only son Isaac. the son he waited 25 years for. 

i was thinking about this story because 11 years ago God tested me as well but instead of taking it back at the last minute I lost my Isaac..and after all these years I still carry around that pain and have been waiting for the redemption that has yet to come. 

I remember thinking how messed up God was. 

I can't deny the existence of God but I wanted nothing to do with him.

and then as I was reading the comments on the reddit post by Christians and non Christians, none of it was satisfactory to me. the non Christian comments shared my anger but had a secular bias while the Christian comments defending God seemed trite and rehearsed. and then I came across this one comment and noticed the phrase 'my son, my one and only son, whom i love'

and the presence of God hit me and i started sobbing because in that moment i understood. 

people interpret the story of Abraham as a test from God, which is part of it. but if we don't see it in the context of love and connection it is unsettling. non believers question just how God could ask him to do such a horrifying thing while believers try to minimize just how horrifying it was. in reality it was unthinkable. and it was the fact that it was so heartbreaking that Abraham got the glory. what God asked from him was a big deal. and out of everyone on this earth Abraham got to share in God's glory and understand God's decision for his one and only beloved son. he got to connect with God in a way that was so special. God wanted to bless him and the cost of that blessing was great. 

Abraham and Isaac probably went through a rollercoaster trauma of emotions and in the end they were blessed. throughout the Bible, God is referred to as The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Imagine your name being associated with the one and true God. Abraham didn't ask for the glory but he received it because God chose him.

Abraham did not end up actually having to sacrifice his one and only beloved son. But it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. God was the one who actually went through sacrificing his one and only son whom he loved so much. 

and when i was reminded of that i felt God's vulnerability. when we think of God we think of different adjectives like almighty, powerful, holy etc. but vulnerable is not typically a word we use to describe God as vulnerability is usually associated with weakness. and yet the vulnerability of God is important as it shows his deep desire for love, for connection and the fact that he can feel pain too. he chose to give us free will and to allow himself to be vulnerable for us. he opened himself to the risk of getting hurt, getting rejected by us.

in that moment i felt God's hurt by me. how i hurt him by questioning his character and thinking he was messed up. and i felt sorry. i was sorry that i hurt him. i also felt his fear. his fear of losing me. so i reassured him that he would never truly lose me. at times i will wander away but the Holy Spirit will always bring me back to him. back home 

and even though i still carry the pain i thanked God for choosing me to be tested. and i remember all those years as i let go of the person i loved the most i asked God to keep me in his presence forever. and he kept his promise. and i felt excited because i was also chosen to share in his glory. it wasn't something that i would have asked for either. i prefer a life that is more simple, less painful. but i will receive God's love for me and i am glad for the connection. 

those who understand the cost of sacrifice, understand God

Jesus Christ- the beloved son of God. who understands his heart. was chosen out of love for sacrifice and redeemed for the highest glory and honor and praise 

and in this present reality

everything happens for a reason right?

whatever is meant to be here

will be

and whatever is not

i will close my eyes

and one day when i wake up

i will see your smiling face 

and know i'm finally home 

I knew when I met you

Because no one else felt right

As if my whole life was a search to find you

And when I realized that 

you were the one my future loved 

I finally understood the truth

that love is not bound by time 

 Prompt: An item: How you got it, and why it's important

I was so mad at him. I was mad at him because he was mad at me. This is stupid, I feel like I'm in middle school again. He was the one who first threw sand in my mouth and then now he's mad cause I got sand in his hair?

what a girl...

I had to complain to someone. So I stormed over to Gina, "Can you believe it, Gina. Jay's mad at me again"

"why?"

"cause I got sand in his hair"

"are you serious.."

"yeah, I know right"

"it's okay, he'll get over it."

I could see out the corner of my eye that Jay was looking at me talking to Gina. Knew that I was complaining about him but I didn't care. I was done with this friendship. I was sick of him acting like a big baby all the time. 

We all got back into the cabs. Ready to go back to the hotel and shower because we had to catch our train back to the city. 

Jay and I got into separate cabs of course. And in my cab, I was uncharacteristically quiet. I guess I went a little too far. shouldn't have dumped that much sand on his head. yeah..now that I think about it. it was kinda obnxious. man...it'll be weird not hanging out with Jay this week. I wonder how long it'll take him to get over it. 

Five hours later I was on the train, sitting away from the group and starring out the window. I remember at one point Jay and I accidentally caught each other's eyes and it felt so weird not being able to talk to him. 

Man who knew this vacation would end this way. stupid beach..we should have just gone to the aquarium. 

And just as my eyes began to tear up, I see Jay walking towards me with a smile on his face. He sits on the empty seat next to me. 

"Here" he hands me this colorful bracelet. the kind that looks like a middle school girl made it. 

"What's this for" I ask.

"Idk...just saw it and thought of you. look I got one for myself too."

"omg...what's this supposed to be...our friendship bracelets?"

"yeah.."

"Ew..that's so corny. hahaha. but I kind of like it. Here tie it on my wrist" 

"You better wear it forever" he said with a smile and got up and went back to our group of friends. 

I looked at the bracelet, it really wasn't my style but I loved it. I was 20 years old and I finally had my first friendship bracelet.   

 Found my old handwritten journal and wanted to share some posts 

Dear Father,

In life people come and go. things change. Somedays you see the same people everyday only for them to leave your life. You may never see them again. Your best friend you've known you're whole life may feel like a distant person to you while on the other hand the person you've only known for two weeks feels like your best friend. 

I guess in life there are seasons for everything. People come and go and things change. At the end of the day you're never the same person. Somedays I wish that you can pick and choose the people you want and be with them forever in paradise. Perhaps that's what heaven will be like. 

I suppose at times it's hard to love when you know that everything is so temporary. It's easier I guess to not get as attached so that when it's time to move on, it doesn't hurt as much. But with that you'll never really experience the joys in life.

Even my own family, who I believe will probably be the only people left at the end of it all will one day be like a faded memory. 

In that I suppose we are truly hubmled. We came into this world, only knowing you, and we'll leave the same way. You are the only one who'll be with us throughout our entire lives. 

At the end of it all, I hope I can say that you Oh LORD are my best friend. 

Rebekah  

 

The following is an email from January 25, 2016, delivered from the past by FutureMe

Dear FutureMe,

Do you still sleep 9 hours a day? Cause I don't think so

Robert says you're gonna sleep less than 9 hours a day.

I am at 85 with Robert Shin and Jenny Woo.

You are concerned about having kids because of the lack of sleep. But I'm sure it'll be worth it if you do and I know you'll be a better mom than you expect.

You just came back from Converge conference with New Philly it was such a blessing to see them again after 5 years since you met them in Korea.

Your love life is hopeless. You are literally accepting celibacy at this point. But I hope you are laughing as you read this.

You are denying being scared about the upcoming semester at Rosemead the hardest year according to people. Hopefully you survived. Either way you'll be okay.

I hope 2016 will be a hopeful year for you. Already I see God's answers to prayers. Remember to praise Him for his faithfulness always.

Anyways I keep it short. I'm sure at this point some of the struggles from Rosemead will make more sense. I'm so jealous of you and your life. But I'm sure you'll tell me to enjoy my life now.

Yoooooo and congrats and turning 30 this year. Dude I know 30s is gunna be the best years of your life.

Stay confident. Be yourself. You are a loving person. Stay humble. Always learning.

Rebekah So

One step at a time

They say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"....I don't agree. Some things that didn't kill me, came so close that they're still damaging. They didn't make me better. Some things made me worse. And can't that be okay too? Can't some things just break you? This whole fucking world wants you to believe that admitting defeat makes you weak. For God's sake, bleed. And bleed openly. There can be pride in vulnerability. Honesty is maturity. And really, it's the things that did kill me, that made me.

J. Raymond

My internship year in Kansas destroyed me. I didn't decide until the last minute to uphold my contract there because of my worsening health issues, and three months in, I was so close to leaving but long story short I was meant to be there. 

I experienced a year long major depressive episode where I not just cried but full on wept and thought about suicide daily. I was so confused and screamed at God to end the pain but the pain didn't end. I felt as though I was drowning and right when I was about to die someone would pull me back up just long enough for me to take a breath and then pull me back under. Over and over again. I've never experienced that level of prolonged physical and emotional torture in my life like that. Each day I clinged onto the words that "this too shall pass."

I spent years trying to make sense of what happened and it took some time but I now realize that I actually respect who I am inwardly. I have a deep and genuine level of empathy and openness that only those who have been truly broken can have. Outwardly I'm a mess, still picking up the pieces. Slowly I am healing, as this self respect came at a significant price. And that's okay, as I tell my clients: one step at a time.