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God with us in the waiting and suffering

So today while I was watching Grey's Anatomy I fell asleep lol and had one of those intense naps where after you wake up you're like half asleep and half awake and then eventually you become wide awake and it's 1:36 in the morning and you're wide awake and you feel strange and existential.

I wanted to write about something that happened last Saturday but then I got lazy and pushed it off but I guess this would be a good time to write about it.

But I'm not going to. I guess I'll write about it another time. The concept of timing is interesting. I remember that I didn't write about my story about my encounter with the homeless man until two years after it happened. I decided to write it down after I found out some pretty bad news. had this sudden urge to write down everything.

I've been thinking about the concept of timing and also suffering these days. Around a week ago I was just lying in bed thinking about which character I would want to be from the bi…

I will remember you

Intercessory prayer is a funny thing...

I went to the IHOP prayer room today and on my way out I saw this sign for prayer requests and in it was a bunch of printed out prayer requests. The sign said to take one and pray for this person daily for a week. The first sheet in the stack was this prayer request of this person struggling with a blood disorder and has been depressed for months.

The word that stood out to me was depressed. as I too have been struggling with depression and this week in particular it has been at its all time worst. so I had compassion for this person who was also reporting to be depressed.

I took the sheet and told myself that I can't forget to pray for this person daily. And so I started praying on the car ride home before I had the chance to forget.

it's funny how in my weakest moments I stopped interceding for others. because my thoughts were that how could I pray for another person when I am barely hanging on myself. I have no strength or desire to c…

Closer Than You Know

Update from my last post: So I've been doing a lot better since my last depressing update lol
I was literally like God you have until tomorrow to heal me! or I'm leaving! and of course I stop throwing up the next day. haven't thrown up in over two weeks and feeling much better. just trying to live one day at a time and focus on my relationship with God, cause it's the most important relationship I'll ever have in my life.

I signed up for the IHOP prophetic ministry today. they put you in a group with two other people and have two people share words of encouragement with each person in the group. I really wasn't expecting anything and didn't really pray much before except that I needed encouragement.

These are the words (transcribed from the recording) from the first lady:

Okay so as I asked the Lord about you I felt like he was saying that you're a good worker in the physical but also you're a good worker for him and he loves the partnership that you…

Even when it hurts

So my last post was more hopeful and trusting. This one is not really going to be that way but I think I intentionally wanted to write this when things are not looking up. To share and be open about my struggles and validate the experiences of times when things do not seem to be getting better...sometimes they get worse. This post is gonna be long and somewhat raw and messy cause I'm still in the process of trusting God.

So in my last post I wrote about the sunflower. The sunflower that was supposed to be strong, tall, and healthy. The sunflower that was supposed to represent me. My growth. My faith. My healing.

And then within the first two weeks of me being in Kansas. The sunflower plant died....like died beyond repair. Plant killah Rebekah strikes again. And I'm like shit.......that sunflower is supposed to be me. Omg....is God tryna kill me??? (metaphorically)

Then later that month my friend sends me this sermon by P.Brian called Welter and Waste and I am getting ministe…

God never ceases to amaze

Image
About six years ago during my time studying abroad in Korea, when I was growing in my intimacy with God, I was prayed over by the members and leaders of New Philly church before I left to come back to the States.

Two of the symbols I remember that came up was an eagle and sunflower. Which also happened to be like my fav bird and my fav flower...how did they know...

Eagle the mascot of Yonsei university: where I studied abroad at and encountered God.
Eagle which also happened to be Biola's mascot: where I ended up going to grad school at.

Interesting interesting...

So now this sunflower...which I had of course forgotten all about..

It's no secret that I was not happy about matching to internship in Kansas. like what the hell is there to do in boring ass Kansas. I don't know anyone there. and I was so sad to leave my friends in California. so I was quite bitter for some time about it. literally to the point where I was even like I hope something really bad happens so I don&…

The Single Life

A good article I found on the single life

https://misseves.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/the-single-life/

Prayer to pray:

Father God, I thank you that You are a God of order. With you there is a time for everything and a season for every activity. Forgive me for not fully embracing the season I’m in. I repent for trying to hurry through it or fantasize myself out of it. Every good gift comes for you, Father God. I choose to see being single as a gift. Help me to make the most of this season. I ask you, Holy Spirit to wash me – body, soul, and spirit – from any trace of shame that’s taken root in my life because I am single. Your word says it’s a good thing. I choose to stop contradicting your Word. Cause my emotions and desires to come into alignment with the season You have me in. I ask for Your anointing so that, whatever the future holds, I can present myself with purity to You, Jesus.  I step into everything You have for me right now. Forgive me for any times I’ve held back – discrediting …

Unexpected grace

God it's almost time for my trip to Maryland to be over but I just want to say thanks.

In the past month, I've been crying almost everyday. Idk if it's just that I feel more emotions being a therapist or I'm depressed or all the changes or my health or combination of everything. 

In the past week I've felt pretty hopeless and worthless. And it broke my heart that I didn't want to live anymore. Because I feel as though as I get older, life just becomes more painful. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna end my life or anything...I just wouldn't mind dying peacefully now. because I feel as though there isn't much to look forward to. 

But one thing that always keeps me going is family and friends. And I'm grateful when you speak to others or touch the lives of my friends through me, especially in the most unexpected ways. I didn't expect you to allow me to be a part of your work but that's when I am the happiest at times and feel your grace. T…

Reflection Paper for my Integration Class

My last reflection paper I wrote for my integration class regarding integrative issues in my own training therapy.

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Integration Case Report 4- Personal therapy reflection             Integrative issues in my personal therapy have been more salient than I imagined they would be when I began therapy during my second year at Rosemead. I particularly sought out a Rosemead graduate psychologist because I assumed that she would be Christian and it was important for me to have a Christian therapist so that I could discuss my faith in session comfortably.  The issues and topics related to faith and my experience of my therapist as a Christian was different than I expected.  My therapist challenged me regarding my faith and at times I felt as though I had to defend myself. For example, I felt this sense that my therapist thought I was using religious defenses, much like I would consider some of my clients at Biola to be religiously defended. Or times I would say answers that appeared to sound …