Closer Than You Know

Update from my last post: So I've been doing a lot better since my last depressing update lol
I was literally like God you have until tomorrow to heal me! or I'm leaving! and of course I stop throwing up the next day. haven't thrown up in over two weeks and feeling much better. just trying to live one day at a time and focus on my relationship with God, cause it's the most important relationship I'll ever have in my life.

I signed up for the IHOP prophetic ministry today. they put you in a group with two other people and have two people share words of encouragement with each person in the group. I really wasn't expecting anything and didn't really pray much before except that I needed encouragement.

These are the words (transcribed from the recording) from the first lady:

Okay so as I asked the Lord about you I felt like he was saying that you're a good worker in the physical but also you're a good worker for him and he loves the partnership that you have with him and that you are faithful 

and Ephesians 2:10 it speaks of having ordained you to "for you are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which he has ordained before the foundation of the world for you" yeah that you are faithful and a faithful bride 

and I saw a picture of a meadow surrounded by trees but then there was this flat green area and you were standing in the middle of it with your hands up raised or your arms uplifted, your face turned towards the sun and the sun was shining down with this soft glow there's this soft mist around you speaking of peace

and so that's the relationship that he wants to have that you have with each other and just the peace and the love that is surrounding you, so he's just encouraging your heart with this, I am with you, you're not on this journey alone, you are partnering with me, it is my work that you've come into you know, so I just bless you with this

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So when she said that I was a good worker I laughed on the inside cause I'm like the laziest person ever. but I remember in the past thinking about my name Rebekah, and how Rebekah in the bible was known to be hardworking (watering all them camels) and how that's the identity that's over me. I felt like what she was saying about the good works and the partnership is the spiritual identity that is my true identity spoken over me. That's what God sees, even though in the natural I'm not there yet. and the whole sun shining down and the peace is nice. sometimes I just sit outside in the sun and have those moments.

I thought her words were nice. I appreciated them. but not like whoa this is crazy. I had a feeling though that I was gonna cry with the next guy:

Guy: uh....I saw a Pegasus, does that mean anything to you? 
Me: It's like one of my favorite mythical creatures
Guy: Oh really? 
Me: yeah I would pray to God that in heaven I want, I hope I get a Pegasus
Guy: Oh really? wow, so see that was the first thing, so that shows how much the Lord knows you and he loves you, that you're one of a kind, you're unique, I felt like uniqueness, there could be a 100 Rebekah's in the room and you're that you outshine them all, that you're unique in who you are, and what you're called to do, the path that the Lord has set you on.

Isaiah 49:1-2: The Lord called me from the womb and from my mother's body he named my name he made my mouth like a sharp sword and in the shadow of his hand he's hid me, he's made me like a polished arrow and in his quiver, he's kept me close and concealed me

I see you as a woman of strength and beauty. that you're a woman of honor, and a woman of wonder. so let me just pray for you: Holy Ghost I thank you for Rebekah and who she is and the wonderful things that you have set for her to do and the path you have her on that things that you mapped out for her to do in this life, bless her in Jesus name, Amen.  

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When the guy said Pegasus, I was totally not expecting that. it was so random and so specific that it caught me off guard. I think as I explaining to him what Pegasus meant to me, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't even pay attention to the rest of what he was saying, which was also encouraging. but I was so touched and surprised by the Pegasus.

I'm still trying to process why that was so meaningful to me. I guess cause with the prophetic words like most of what I got is encouraging but it sounds pretty similar to what I've gotten before. and parts of it can be generalized. not completely because as I was hearing the words for the other two people that were in the room with me, like their's wouldn't fit with me at all. so in some sense all of it was more specific to me, but the Pegasus was like mind-blowing. even more than if he had mentioned a sunflower. because I like sunflowers. they're nice. and God's been speaking to me these days through that symbol. but I reaaaalllly want a Pegasus. like seriously hoping for one in heaven (I have mentioned this to God a lot along with my room in heaven to have a Princess Jasmine balcony) and I actually believe that God will give me what I ask for in heaven. And I imagine myself flying around on Pegasus and it makes me so happy. And I find this to be a weird, random thought/belief that probably only I would have. I asked my friend afterwards what would it be like he had said that to her, if a Pegasus meant anything to her, and she was like it would have meant nothing.

I've gotten symbols through words of encouragement before like eagle and sunflower, even a cactus lol. but Pegasus was something special because it's so out there that it had to be more than just a coincidence. like even as the guy was saying it, he was like uh.....a Pegasus? it just reminded me how real God is and as the guy said, God really does love me and know me. and knows the desires of my heart. these days I feel like God has forgotten or been ignoring the desires of my heart. but hearing that showed me that God remembers. and it reminds me that even if I don't get everything I want in this life, I have a hope for eternal life. a life where I can fly around on my Pegasus.

In Revelation it talks about Jesus on a white horse and his army in heaven on white horses. I wonder if they have Pegasuses too. so maybe it's a real thing in heaven. Idk anyways. I feel like in this hectic at times mundane life, you feel like just a face among a billion others. that God has other more important things to focus on and more important or more godly people to attend to. how could he possibly remember your most obscure and intimate desires.

but you may find that he's closer than you know.

Even when it hurts

So my last post was more hopeful and trusting. This one is not really going to be that way but I think I intentionally wanted to write this when things are not looking up. To share and be open about my struggles and validate the experiences of times when things do not seem to be getting better...sometimes they get worse. This post is gonna be long and somewhat raw and messy cause I'm still in the process of trusting God.

So in my last post I wrote about the sunflower. The sunflower that was supposed to be strong, tall, and healthy. The sunflower that was supposed to represent me. My growth. My faith. My healing.

And then within the first two weeks of me being in Kansas. The sunflower plant died....like died beyond repair. Plant killah Rebekah strikes again. And I'm like shit.......that sunflower is supposed to be me. Omg....is God tryna kill me??? (metaphorically)

Then later that month my friend sends me this sermon by P.Brian called Welter and Waste and I am getting ministered by it cause I'm not in such a jolly season. and in it he's saying stuff like, God's gonna kill you, you gon die. (okay I'm not providing a lot of context lol. don't misunderstand it's a good sermon). And I'm like watching it thinking like omg I'm gonna die.

And not die like actual death. I would actually much rather prefer that. but I know that it's not my time yet to leave this earth.  And in this post later I'm gonna get real about my own struggles with depression.

I wasn't really sure what kind of death this "I'm gonna die" is referring to. but I'm guessing it's like a dying to myself. yeah that sounds right. but I'm not really sure HOW God is planning to lead me to die to myself. and I'm quite stubborn and rebellious. like Jonah level. so I'm going down kicking and screaming. thinking my God....what is going to be the whale that swallows me whole until I finally repent. I'm terrified. and then I'm probably going to repent and be like nevermind God just kidding! I didn't really die to myself I just said that to get out of the whale. I'm still alive and wanting to live for myself. Just give up on me God. choose someone else. JEHBAL (please). I don't need suffering to share in glory. I don't care about glory. I'm all about minimum effort. I want to get into heaven like just a little above barely level.

I was reading through my old blog posts. and I'm like damn...that young Rebekah was so faithful and willing to surrender her life for God. I don't know as I've gotten older if I've become more selfish or I was just selfish all along and now I've just become more honest about my selfishness...

So I came to Kansas about a month ago. not happy about it. but taking the words and prayers from my community who assured me that I will be fine and will have no problem adapting and making new friends. Excited for me! they said. and I was like okay okay maybe it won't be that bad. and I know that I'm called to be here. it'll be worth it in the end.

But this past month I want to say has been the hardest month of my entire life...I have never felt so weak and so alone..

My lovely stomach inflammation gastritis came back in full force along with bronchitis. So I was literally coughing so hard my ribs were bruised and throwing up everything I was eating or drinking. At work puking my insides out. Ran out of trash bags. Throw up in my trash-bagless trash can. Coworkers see me carrying my big ass trash can to the bathroom where I'm like scrubbing out my puke for like 30 min in the bathroom sink....

It's sounds kinda of funny imagining this scenario now...but mann something about chronic health conditions that messes you up. like one min you're like it's okay it's gonna be okay and then the next you're breaking down crying like I can't do this anymore...

Idk if it's the combination of the adjustment, stress, health issues, relational issues, the fact that I live alone and don't know anyone here: yeah probably all that...but my depression has also come back in full force...

When I did therapy on skid row. I was surrounded by clients with some unimaginable struggles. Like their life dreams and goals were to simply have a stable place to live alone; they would content with that. So they whipped some perspective in me. But as time went on that perspective faded.

And now I'm with clients...these college kids...where I'm thinking damn...I'm their therapist...but I'm worse off emotionally than them. Like I'm more depressed than my clients...

And don't get me wrong. that does sound concerning. but I assure you I keep it together for them and my emotional symptoms aren't negatively affecting my functioning and work.

But my physical symptoms were...like I can't be coughing my lungs out during sessions and throwing up. So literally after the trash can situation on Thursday. I was like GOD. you literally have until tomorrow to heal me or I'm quitting my internship and going home. I was so serious. And secretly hoping I had an excuse to get out of here.

Ugh.................but God really wants me here huh...

The next day I have this incredible willpower to get my shit together and finally go on that bland diet my doctors have been recommending and that I've been ignoring for months. So yes this gastritis is partly due to my stubbornness and rebellion. Like I'll just eat that burger and Cheetos instead of this oatmeal and suffer the consequences. And I'm like complaining about how I rather be able to eat what I want and not suffer the consequences. like why are there consequences in the first place (i'm the kid who failed the marshmallow test).

For the past 4 days I have been sticking to that bland diet and have not thrown up and my cough is nearly gone...

But the melancholy mood is still here. The distress. The pain.

I've been struggling with depression all my life. It comes and goes. and thankfully it doesn't interfere much with my functioning. cause I've learned how to keep it together and mask it at times. the people who use humor a lot. I'm guessing we're the ones who struggle with sadness.

I read in a developmental textbook that girls who go through puberty early are much more likely to struggle with depression later (I went through it at age 9). on top of my history of getting bullied because of my race. and throw in the fact that I have PCOS (women with polycystic ovary syndrome are more likely to be depressed and/or anxious). and I'm an INFP (personality type most prone to depression). it's like the perfect storm.

three things I noticed that tend to trigger my depressed mood the most are  1) isolation: having a stable community and close friends in my proximity is something that's important to me. and so moving to a new place again brings up a lot of painful experiences. 2) relational issues: when I fall for someone, I fall for them hard and it's like I forgot how to breath without them...ugh life is not a k-drama I know but I can't control my feelings... 3) health issues.

And so in the past few months I've been dealing with all three. I think since the first week of May I've been crying almost everyday. And sometimes you don't know why you cry. Sometimes you're walking outside thinking it's a beautiful day and then all the sudden you break down in uncontrollable sobbing. And even as I write this now I want to cry..

And in that pain there is a deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Like I'm a therapist I know somewhat how to treat depression. but I can't treat myself and I'm too poor to get therapy (it's quite expensive). and getting therapy doesn't necessarily make it better. I never considered antidepressants for myself before...but I'm getting to a point where I might consider it.

It's actually national suicide prevention week this week. so it's quite fitting to talk about this. the first thoughts I had of ending my life were in 8th grade. idk why at that ripe age I thought my life was not worth living. but I thought about taking an entire bottle of Tylenol then. which I hear now actually won't kill you. but back then I thought it did. and thankfully I didn't go through with it.

Suicide. I grew up hating it more than anything else. I thought it was the most selfish and terrible way to die if you had family and loved ones. The pain and scars you would leave behind to them. But in more recent weeks I began to understand it more. And to assure those reading, I have no plans or intent to end my life. Just being open about these thoughts.

I think there are times when the pain becomes unbearable and the hopelessness overwhelming. that the rational mind goes out the window. in that moment your family and loved ones fade away. and all you want to do is find an end to your suffering. it's almost like a weird survival mechanism. like reverse survival to find peace.

And what is more puzzling and confusing and hurtful to me. Is why believers, more often than we realize or talk about, struggle with this. We talk about how we find peace in God. but there are times when we cry out to God day and night and are still in agony.

And in those moments of deep pain and sorrow. it's so hard to trust. to hope. to have faith. so hard to praise sincerely. and currently I am battling and going through cycles where I am yelling at God in bitterness to smite me and questioning why he let me be born into this world if this was his will for me and why he created me to be so stubborn and rebellious in the first place. I weep at the thought of how heartbroken my parents would be if they really knew how much I was suffering. I wonder if God's heart also breaks for me and if so why was this his will.

And times of peace will follow after times of bitterness, and I feel God comforting me. reminding me that he is with me. and the cycle continues over and over again. where with each wave that comes by I want to just drown and be done with it.

I wrote a poem in the prayer room that quite dark and angsty but captures the sentiment:

Tears crusted down my face
Thinking not yet once again
Beyond the bitterness
Into a state of numbness
Where nothing matters anymore

I rather have you destroy me
Than to leave me barely breathing
Pulling me under the water
Only to pull me out again
Just leave me under I beg

God please save me.
I can't take anymore.
Please have mercy on me
I don't want to cry anymore.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I didn't write this because I have it figured out and I'm going to end with this hopeful message of how everything is going to be okay and God is good.
I didn't share this as a cry for help. And for those reading this you can pray for me. I like prayers. I need prayer. but please don't feel the need to comment/text/call and check up on me. or say something to encourage me. oh please don't...

I wrote this to help me process and heal as I write. to be able to sit in the sorrow and acknowledge that this is something that I'm experiencing and it's nothing to hide or be ashamed of or feel as though I'm being over-dramatic about. and perhaps in the process provide some sort of encouragement to those reading and can relate in some way. to know that you are not alone. and to my future self who will look back on this post and hopefully say that this too shall pass.

I said I wasn't going to end with God is good but dammit that's what my fingers are writing.

God is good. Even when it hurts.

And those who have been hurt by him and say that, mean it. on some level there is more weight to the seemingly trite and overused statement "God is good" when you can still say that through all the pain. It's what the enemy cannot and will never understand. what he continues to fight in us to separate us from God, but cannot win. how though God allows the seemingly worst to happen, we can still say he is good.

He really must be good then..