Reflection Paper for my Integration Class

My last reflection paper I wrote for my integration class regarding integrative issues in my own training therapy.

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Integration Case Report 4- Personal therapy reflection

            Integrative issues in my personal therapy have been more salient than I imagined they would be when I began therapy during my second year at Rosemead. I particularly sought out a Rosemead graduate psychologist because I assumed that she would be Christian and it was important for me to have a Christian therapist so that I could discuss my faith in session comfortably.

 The issues and topics related to faith and my experience of my therapist as a Christian was different than I expected.  My therapist challenged me regarding my faith and at times I felt as though I had to defend myself. For example, I felt this sense that my therapist thought I was using religious defenses, much like I would consider some of my clients at Biola to be religiously defended. Or times I would say answers that appeared to sound too “Christianese” to her as she had this look on her face that she wasn’t buying it and would challenge my statements. In this way I felt guarded but it also made me wonder if I was actually being genuine about my faith and my beliefs; my therapist challenged how much I held onto beliefs that were taught in church and if it was something I genuinely wanted.

One of these examples was when I talked about my ex-boyfriend for about a year in therapy. The issue with my ex-boyfriend was that I thought that he was the love of my life, but I broke up with him and could not be with him because he is not a Christian. In church we learned as scripture says “do not be yoked with unbelievers” and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was explicitly discouraged by my former church leaders and peers. I reluctantly ended the relationship prior to beginning therapy and felt a sense of regret since then. I also assumed that my therapist, being a Christian, would also not be supportive about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who at the time I was debating if we should get back together. This conflict was causing me distress because of the moral tension and the uncertainty about my future with my ex-boyfriend as we were talking frequently at the time.

It was surprising to me that my therapist encouraged me to take the risk and tell my ex-boyfriend that I wanted to get back together with him. She seemed to not be fazed that he was not a Christian but instead seemed to be more focused on me pursing what I actually wanted. So I talked with my ex-boyfriend and it turned out that he was no longer interested in getting back together. It was painful but also freeing. I had spent the past three years, unable to get over him because I blamed everything on him not being a Christian (i.e., if only he were a Christian, we could be together, we are perfect in every other way), and I idealized him and our relationship. After being confronted that I could go after what I wanted, without being conflicted about his non-Christian status, and then have him be the one to not want to commit, I was finally able to move on from the relationship.

My discussions with my therapist regarding topics of faith allowed me to experience my faith with more freedom. It was in therapy that I was able to express at times my anger towards God and raw emotions that I have rarely experienced in the past. At one point I even mentioned that I feel like I don’t even know God at all, like what’s his favorite color? I think my therapist, who always appeared to value what is “real”, allowed me to desire a “real” or genuine relationship with God and reconsider what I actually believe and hold to be true. She didn’t give me the typical bible study or church answers but challenged me on what I believed and was not shocked when I brought in something raw or unconventional. I think from these experiences I learned that a part of integration is to be genuine with your emotions, values, and desires.