Reflection Paper for my Integration Class
My last reflection paper I wrote for my integration class regarding integrative issues in my own training therapy.
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Integration
Case Report 4- Personal therapy reflection
Integrative issues in my personal
therapy have been more salient than I imagined they would be when I began therapy
during my second year at Rosemead. I particularly sought out a Rosemead
graduate psychologist because I assumed that she would be Christian and it was
important for me to have a Christian therapist so that I could discuss my faith
in session comfortably.
The issues and topics related to faith and my
experience of my therapist as a Christian was different than I expected. My therapist challenged me regarding my faith
and at times I felt as though I had to defend myself. For example, I felt this
sense that my therapist thought I was using religious defenses, much like I
would consider some of my clients at Biola to be religiously defended. Or times
I would say answers that appeared to sound too “Christianese” to her as she had
this look on her face that she wasn’t buying it and would challenge my
statements. In this way I felt guarded but it also made me wonder if I was
actually being genuine about my faith and my beliefs; my therapist challenged
how much I held onto beliefs that were taught in church and if it was something
I genuinely wanted.
One
of these examples was when I talked about my ex-boyfriend for about a year in
therapy. The issue with my ex-boyfriend was that I thought that he was the love
of my life, but I broke up with him and could not be with him because he is not
a Christian. In church we learned as scripture says “do not be yoked with
unbelievers” and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was explicitly
discouraged by my former church leaders and peers. I reluctantly ended the
relationship prior to beginning therapy and felt a sense of regret since then.
I also assumed that my therapist, being a Christian, would also not be
supportive about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who at the time I was
debating if we should get back together. This conflict was causing me distress
because of the moral tension and the uncertainty about my future with my
ex-boyfriend as we were talking frequently at the time.
It
was surprising to me that my therapist encouraged me to take the risk and tell
my ex-boyfriend that I wanted to get back together with him. She seemed to not
be fazed that he was not a Christian but instead seemed to be more focused on
me pursing what I actually wanted. So I talked with my ex-boyfriend and it
turned out that he was no longer interested in getting back together. It was
painful but also freeing. I had spent the past three years, unable to get over
him because I blamed everything on him not being a Christian (i.e., if only he
were a Christian, we could be together, we are perfect in every other way), and
I idealized him and our relationship. After being confronted that I could go
after what I wanted, without being conflicted about his non-Christian status,
and then have him be the one to not want to commit, I was finally able to move
on from the relationship.
My
discussions with my therapist regarding topics of faith allowed me to
experience my faith with more freedom. It was in therapy that I was able to
express at times my anger towards God and raw emotions that I have rarely
experienced in the past. At one point I even mentioned that I feel like I don’t
even know God at all, like what’s his favorite color? I think my therapist, who
always appeared to value what is “real”, allowed me to desire a “real” or
genuine relationship with God and reconsider what I actually believe and hold
to be true. She didn’t give me the typical bible study or church answers but
challenged me on what I believed and was not shocked when I brought in
something raw or unconventional. I think from these experiences I learned that
a part of integration is to be genuine with your emotions, values, and desires.