Internship thoughts

I was talking with my spiritual director today about what I've learned here during my time here at Rosemead and there's been so much but now that I'm in my fourth year (out of five) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I've been going back to the concepts of enjoying the present moment and trusting God.

These past couple of months consisted of the most difficult hurdles of the program. Comprehensive exams. Professional qualifying exams. Doctoral paper. Internship applications. Internship interview. and now waiting for match day when I get my internship results - determining where I will be for my final fifth year. I could stay here in SoCal. or have to move to Maryland, New York, Texas, Missouri, Kansas, or Utah.

so yeah...kinda life changing...

I have these moments where I'm like GOD FORBID WACO, TEXAS. and then imagining me reading this in the future from Waco, Texas laughing and crying hysterically. shivers*

so going back to enjoying the present moment. as I have been moving through the hurdles, I definitely feel a sense of relief overcoming each big thing. but after that big thing, there's always something else. and in some ways being done with each thing feels anti-climatic. like I thought I would be so happy after I finished everything. and I am of course. but not as happy as I thought I would be cause my mind and emotions jump to the next thing. even now I'm thinking it'll be great if I match, but as soon as I start internship, I'll have to start applying to post-doc or jobs afterwards. IT NEVER ENDS.

I also realized that I built up in my head that fourth year would be so crazy difficult that I would be miserable and have to endure the suffering, but as I accepted the pain and the amount of work that had to be done, I was also able to still find joy in life.

doing therapy at skid row definitely helped. like yeah I don't want to invalidate my struggles. but at the same time, after being with my clients, I was just happy that I had a bed and other basic resources. family. friends. a future. hope. managed to not have a severely traumatizing past... that gratitude and the realization of God's grace carried me through these past few months that were supposed to feel like hell.

As I am waiting for match day Feb 17th. oh WAITING. everyone's favorite thing to do right? as I am waiting and wrestling and praying with God. I told my spiritual director that I have expressed my desires to God but I have come to a place where I trust him and am open to wherever he takes me. a process that came with a lot of tears. like just 10 minutes ago I was crying. but in that I felt the tangible presence of God.

I think for me the hardest part is not the uncertainty or not matching (in that case I will go to Phase II and if I don't match in Phase II then I'll have to wait until the fall to apply again) but having to leave and move to a new place and start all over again.

so I tell God, that I will be so sad if I have to leave California. initially it was hard because I missed my family and friends in Maryland. but as I have made really good friends here, especially with my small group at church, I will be so heartbroken if I have to say goodbye.

I really hate saying goodbye to people (I like)....the worst.....

If I go back to Maryland it'll be hard but okay cause at least I have my family and some old friends there. but if I have to move to a new place and especially a place with NO H-MART in the vicinity. that'll be extra hard.

I'm getting older and less fond of change. LOL sound so old...but it's true. the thought of having to start over again is painful. remembering how difficult it was to adjust to California and then now that I'm happy here the very high possibility that I will have to move again and start over is like safjsalkfjalkjfsalfjslkfjsalfj.

this is when I have to remember God's faithfulness time and time again. that whatever happens it will be okay because he is good and he cares for me. and most importantly he is with me. through the good and bad. through the constant and the changes. wherever I go he is with me.

I think about the people in the Bible and the fact that many of them were frequently on the move. for whatever reasons God had them moving. to go to a better place? to stay dependent on him? to preach the good news?

honestly I just want a comfortable, simple life. my dream is very simple. to have my own place and two pugs. and a few good friends. maybe throw in a spouse. but that's all I want. or all I think I want.

living with an eternal perspective and for the kingdom of God though. I highly doubt that that's how my life will look. i don't know perhaps God loves me and those who around me or will connect with one day too much to let me live that simple life.

so it comes back down to trust. expressing my desires. knowing that he knows what's going on internally. knowing that he has compassion for me. but trusting that ultimately his wisdom is greater. my desires and wishes fluctuate and change frequently. my desire to stay in California is a drastic change from my desire to move back to Maryland only a year ago. who knows maybe I will end up liking a place like Waco, Texas. HAHAHAHAHAHA oh please no....

and so thinking about all this I was lying in my bed and I just sang the chorus to 10 thousand reasons. Bless the Lord oh my soul, ooooOoooh my soul, worship his holy name, sing like never before, oh my soul, and worship his holy name.

and in that I felt God's presence. and his peace. and even now as I am writing tears are coming to my eyes. and I don't know how I'll feel on Feb 17th - I'm sure a mix of emotions. but my prayer is that wherever I go, there will be joy waiting for me. And in the waiting, there will be joy.

Comments