I will remember you

Intercessory prayer is a funny thing...

I went to the IHOP prayer room today and on my way out I saw this sign for prayer requests and in it was a bunch of printed out prayer requests. The sign said to take one and pray for this person daily for a week. The first sheet in the stack was this prayer request of this person struggling with a blood disorder and has been depressed for months.

The word that stood out to me was depressed. as I too have been struggling with depression and this week in particular it has been at its all time worst. so I had compassion for this person who was also reporting to be depressed.

I took the sheet and told myself that I can't forget to pray for this person daily. And so I started praying on the car ride home before I had the chance to forget.

it's funny how in my weakest moments I stopped interceding for others. because my thoughts were that how could I pray for another person when I am barely hanging on myself. I have no strength or desire to carry the burdens of another person. 

But as I was praying for this person, afterwards I realized that all the things I prayed over this person were also the things that I should be praying over myself. it was as if praying for someone else gave me a new perspective on how I could be approaching my also seemingly hopeless situation. 

And one of the things I prayed for this person was that they would remember what God has done for them. That after God answers their prayer they would remember and give thanks.

it reminded me of a poem I wrote 5 years ago

Excitement turns to nostalgia

Anxiety to peace

The things we desire

Pass away in a blink of an eye

What we wait for in patience

Bursts like fireworks in the sky

Only for a moment

What we ask for we receive

To be forgotten, so that we may ask of more

But give thanks to the Lord

Never forget the good things He has done for you

For His love endures

His love endures

During blessings and sufferings

Give thanks in times of blessing

For it is what you desire

Give thanks in times of suffering

For it is what makes you grow

People come and go

The place you once called home

Is no longer yours

But God has never left you

For His love endures

Give thanks to the Lord

For He is good

His love endures forever

I think one of the Israelites greatest mistakes was that after God freed them from slavery in Egypt they soon forgot what he had done for them. They cried out to God for years and years to free them and then like goldfish they forgot! what they had been praying and contending for years, in a moment was gone. even after all the wonders and miracles they had witnessed. there was something new to complain about, something new to ask for. there will always be something else in life.

I am not one to judge them because I do the very same things. I can only learn from their mistakes. And so I went through and proclaimed all the answered prayers that I could think of:

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers for my stomach issues. I can now eat normally and have the energy to do things.
I will remember you

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers for clear skin. I struggled with acne for 9 years. but now it's a lot better.
I will remember you

I will remember you
that you answered my prayers to pass comps and proqual and get matched for internship
I will remember you

etc.

The acne one really gets to me cause I remember looking at myself in the mirror and crying and thinking that if only I had clear skin I would be happy. And praying for years for my acne to go away. and once God answered. I was grateful for like 1 sec and then had something else to cry about.

Right now I have been contending for something for years as well. and it has caused a lot of pain in my life. that at times I feel as though I have been abandoned by God. because after each year goes by and the pain does not subside, it becomes more and more hopeless.

The second to last stanza in the poem amazes me

People come and go

The place you once called home

Is no longer yours

But God has never left you

For His love endures

because when I wrote that in 2012, I had no idea that I would be leaving Maryland the place I once called home. and would be losing and gaining friendships. I had no idea that I would be leaving California and feel so alone in Kansas. and to feel as though I don't have a place to call home. 

but as I was reading the intro to the book of Matthew yesterday. something really stood out to me. It said "At the beginning of the book, Jesus is given the name Immanuel, meaning 'God with us.' At the end, Jesus sends his followers onto the world with the promise that surely I am with you always."

God is with us from the beginning to the end. Always. In this fallen world, it is only he who can promise that. no one else.

this has been one of the most painful weeks of my life but also the best thing that has ever happened to me. because through it I was desperate in seeking God.

I have faith that God will answer my prayer. because I have no other option than to have unwavering faith. but more important than the answered prayer. is to remember the one who is always with me.

I will remember you. 

Closer Than You Know

Update from my last post: So I've been doing a lot better since my last depressing update lol
I was literally like God you have until tomorrow to heal me! or I'm leaving! and of course I stop throwing up the next day. haven't thrown up in over two weeks and feeling much better. just trying to live one day at a time and focus on my relationship with God, cause it's the most important relationship I'll ever have in my life.

I signed up for the IHOP prophetic ministry today. they put you in a group with two other people and have two people share words of encouragement with each person in the group. I really wasn't expecting anything and didn't really pray much before except that I needed encouragement.

These are the words (transcribed from the recording) from the first lady:

Okay so as I asked the Lord about you I felt like he was saying that you're a good worker in the physical but also you're a good worker for him and he loves the partnership that you have with him and that you are faithful 

and Ephesians 2:10 it speaks of having ordained you to "for you are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus for good works which he has ordained before the foundation of the world for you" yeah that you are faithful and a faithful bride 

and I saw a picture of a meadow surrounded by trees but then there was this flat green area and you were standing in the middle of it with your hands up raised or your arms uplifted, your face turned towards the sun and the sun was shining down with this soft glow there's this soft mist around you speaking of peace

and so that's the relationship that he wants to have that you have with each other and just the peace and the love that is surrounding you, so he's just encouraging your heart with this, I am with you, you're not on this journey alone, you are partnering with me, it is my work that you've come into you know, so I just bless you with this

---

So when she said that I was a good worker I laughed on the inside cause I'm like the laziest person ever. but I remember in the past thinking about my name Rebekah, and how Rebekah in the bible was known to be hardworking (watering all them camels) and how that's the identity that's over me. I felt like what she was saying about the good works and the partnership is the spiritual identity that is my true identity spoken over me. That's what God sees, even though in the natural I'm not there yet. and the whole sun shining down and the peace is nice. sometimes I just sit outside in the sun and have those moments.

I thought her words were nice. I appreciated them. but not like whoa this is crazy. I had a feeling though that I was gonna cry with the next guy:

Guy: uh....I saw a Pegasus, does that mean anything to you? 
Me: It's like one of my favorite mythical creatures
Guy: Oh really? 
Me: yeah I would pray to God that in heaven I want, I hope I get a Pegasus
Guy: Oh really? wow, so see that was the first thing, so that shows how much the Lord knows you and he loves you, that you're one of a kind, you're unique, I felt like uniqueness, there could be a 100 Rebekah's in the room and you're that you outshine them all, that you're unique in who you are, and what you're called to do, the path that the Lord has set you on.

Isaiah 49:1-2: The Lord called me from the womb and from my mother's body he named my name he made my mouth like a sharp sword and in the shadow of his hand he's hid me, he's made me like a polished arrow and in his quiver, he's kept me close and concealed me

I see you as a woman of strength and beauty. that you're a woman of honor, and a woman of wonder. so let me just pray for you: Holy Ghost I thank you for Rebekah and who she is and the wonderful things that you have set for her to do and the path you have her on that things that you mapped out for her to do in this life, bless her in Jesus name, Amen.  

---

When the guy said Pegasus, I was totally not expecting that. it was so random and so specific that it caught me off guard. I think as I explaining to him what Pegasus meant to me, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn't even pay attention to the rest of what he was saying, which was also encouraging. but I was so touched and surprised by the Pegasus.

I'm still trying to process why that was so meaningful to me. I guess cause with the prophetic words like most of what I got is encouraging but it sounds pretty similar to what I've gotten before. and parts of it can be generalized. not completely because as I was hearing the words for the other two people that were in the room with me, like their's wouldn't fit with me at all. so in some sense all of it was more specific to me, but the Pegasus was like mind-blowing. even more than if he had mentioned a sunflower. because I like sunflowers. they're nice. and God's been speaking to me these days through that symbol. but I reaaaalllly want a Pegasus. like seriously hoping for one in heaven (I have mentioned this to God a lot along with my room in heaven to have a Princess Jasmine balcony) and I actually believe that God will give me what I ask for in heaven. And I imagine myself flying around on Pegasus and it makes me so happy. And I find this to be a weird, random thought/belief that probably only I would have. I asked my friend afterwards what would it be like he had said that to her, if a Pegasus meant anything to her, and she was like it would have meant nothing.

I've gotten symbols through words of encouragement before like eagle and sunflower, even a cactus lol. but Pegasus was something special because it's so out there that it had to be more than just a coincidence. like even as the guy was saying it, he was like uh.....a Pegasus? it just reminded me how real God is and as the guy said, God really does love me and know me. and knows the desires of my heart. these days I feel like God has forgotten or been ignoring the desires of my heart. but hearing that showed me that God remembers. and it reminds me that even if I don't get everything I want in this life, I have a hope for eternal life. a life where I can fly around on my Pegasus.

In Revelation it talks about Jesus on a white horse and his army in heaven on white horses. I wonder if they have Pegasuses too. so maybe it's a real thing in heaven. Idk anyways. I feel like in this hectic at times mundane life, you feel like just a face among a billion others. that God has other more important things to focus on and more important or more godly people to attend to. how could he possibly remember your most obscure and intimate desires.

but you may find that he's closer than you know.

Even when it hurts

So my last post was more hopeful and trusting. This one is not really going to be that way but I think I intentionally wanted to write this when things are not looking up. To share and be open about my struggles and validate the experiences of times when things do not seem to be getting better...sometimes they get worse. This post is gonna be long and somewhat raw and messy cause I'm still in the process of trusting God.

So in my last post I wrote about the sunflower. The sunflower that was supposed to be strong, tall, and healthy. The sunflower that was supposed to represent me. My growth. My faith. My healing.

And then within the first two weeks of me being in Kansas. The sunflower plant died....like died beyond repair. Plant killah Rebekah strikes again. And I'm like shit.......that sunflower is supposed to be me. Omg....is God tryna kill me??? (metaphorically)

Then later that month my friend sends me this sermon by P.Brian called Welter and Waste and I am getting ministered by it cause I'm not in such a jolly season. and in it he's saying stuff like, God's gonna kill you, you gon die. (okay I'm not providing a lot of context lol. don't misunderstand it's a good sermon). And I'm like watching it thinking like omg I'm gonna die.

And not die like actual death. I would actually much rather prefer that. but I know that it's not my time yet to leave this earth.  And in this post later I'm gonna get real about my own struggles with depression.

I wasn't really sure what kind of death this "I'm gonna die" is referring to. but I'm guessing it's like a dying to myself. yeah that sounds right. but I'm not really sure HOW God is planning to lead me to die to myself. and I'm quite stubborn and rebellious. like Jonah level. so I'm going down kicking and screaming. thinking my God....what is going to be the whale that swallows me whole until I finally repent. I'm terrified. and then I'm probably going to repent and be like nevermind God just kidding! I didn't really die to myself I just said that to get out of the whale. I'm still alive and wanting to live for myself. Just give up on me God. choose someone else. JEHBAL (please). I don't need suffering to share in glory. I don't care about glory. I'm all about minimum effort. I want to get into heaven like just a little above barely level.

I was reading through my old blog posts. and I'm like damn...that young Rebekah was so faithful and willing to surrender her life for God. I don't know as I've gotten older if I've become more selfish or I was just selfish all along and now I've just become more honest about my selfishness...

So I came to Kansas about a month ago. not happy about it. but taking the words and prayers from my community who assured me that I will be fine and will have no problem adapting and making new friends. Excited for me! they said. and I was like okay okay maybe it won't be that bad. and I know that I'm called to be here. it'll be worth it in the end.

But this past month I want to say has been the hardest month of my entire life...I have never felt so weak and so alone..

My lovely stomach inflammation gastritis came back in full force along with bronchitis. So I was literally coughing so hard my ribs were bruised and throwing up everything I was eating or drinking. At work puking my insides out. Ran out of trash bags. Throw up in my trash-bagless trash can. Coworkers see me carrying my big ass trash can to the bathroom where I'm like scrubbing out my puke for like 30 min in the bathroom sink....

It's sounds kinda of funny imagining this scenario now...but mann something about chronic health conditions that messes you up. like one min you're like it's okay it's gonna be okay and then the next you're breaking down crying like I can't do this anymore...

Idk if it's the combination of the adjustment, stress, health issues, relational issues, the fact that I live alone and don't know anyone here: yeah probably all that...but my depression has also come back in full force...

When I did therapy on skid row. I was surrounded by clients with some unimaginable struggles. Like their life dreams and goals were to simply have a stable place to live alone; they would content with that. So they whipped some perspective in me. But as time went on that perspective faded.

And now I'm with clients...these college kids...where I'm thinking damn...I'm their therapist...but I'm worse off emotionally than them. Like I'm more depressed than my clients...

And don't get me wrong. that does sound concerning. but I assure you I keep it together for them and my emotional symptoms aren't negatively affecting my functioning and work.

But my physical symptoms were...like I can't be coughing my lungs out during sessions and throwing up. So literally after the trash can situation on Thursday. I was like GOD. you literally have until tomorrow to heal me or I'm quitting my internship and going home. I was so serious. And secretly hoping I had an excuse to get out of here.

Ugh.................but God really wants me here huh...

The next day I have this incredible willpower to get my shit together and finally go on that bland diet my doctors have been recommending and that I've been ignoring for months. So yes this gastritis is partly due to my stubbornness and rebellion. Like I'll just eat that burger and Cheetos instead of this oatmeal and suffer the consequences. And I'm like complaining about how I rather be able to eat what I want and not suffer the consequences. like why are there consequences in the first place (i'm the kid who failed the marshmallow test).

For the past 4 days I have been sticking to that bland diet and have not thrown up and my cough is nearly gone...

But the melancholy mood is still here. The distress. The pain.

I've been struggling with depression all my life. It comes and goes. and thankfully it doesn't interfere much with my functioning. cause I've learned how to keep it together and mask it at times. the people who use humor a lot. I'm guessing we're the ones who struggle with sadness.

I read in a developmental textbook that girls who go through puberty early are much more likely to struggle with depression later (I went through it at age 9). on top of my history of getting bullied because of my race. and throw in the fact that I have PCOS (women with polycystic ovary syndrome are more likely to be depressed and/or anxious). and I'm an INFP (personality type most prone to depression). it's like the perfect storm.

three things I noticed that tend to trigger my depressed mood the most are  1) isolation: having a stable community and close friends in my proximity is something that's important to me. and so moving to a new place again brings up a lot of painful experiences. 2) relational issues: when I fall for someone, I fall for them hard and it's like I forgot how to breath without them...ugh life is not a k-drama I know but I can't control my feelings... 3) health issues.

And so in the past few months I've been dealing with all three. I think since the first week of May I've been crying almost everyday. And sometimes you don't know why you cry. Sometimes you're walking outside thinking it's a beautiful day and then all the sudden you break down in uncontrollable sobbing. And even as I write this now I want to cry..

And in that pain there is a deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness. Like I'm a therapist I know somewhat how to treat depression. but I can't treat myself and I'm too poor to get therapy (it's quite expensive). and getting therapy doesn't necessarily make it better. I never considered antidepressants for myself before...but I'm getting to a point where I might consider it.

It's actually national suicide prevention week this week. so it's quite fitting to talk about this. the first thoughts I had of ending my life were in 8th grade. idk why at that ripe age I thought my life was not worth living. but I thought about taking an entire bottle of Tylenol then. which I hear now actually won't kill you. but back then I thought it did. and thankfully I didn't go through with it.

Suicide. I grew up hating it more than anything else. I thought it was the most selfish and terrible way to die if you had family and loved ones. The pain and scars you would leave behind to them. But in more recent weeks I began to understand it more. And to assure those reading, I have no plans or intent to end my life. Just being open about these thoughts.

I think there are times when the pain becomes unbearable and the hopelessness overwhelming. that the rational mind goes out the window. in that moment your family and loved ones fade away. and all you want to do is find an end to your suffering. it's almost like a weird survival mechanism. like reverse survival to find peace.

And what is more puzzling and confusing and hurtful to me. Is why believers, more often than we realize or talk about, struggle with this. We talk about how we find peace in God. but there are times when we cry out to God day and night and are still in agony.

And in those moments of deep pain and sorrow. it's so hard to trust. to hope. to have faith. so hard to praise sincerely. and currently I am battling and going through cycles where I am yelling at God in bitterness to smite me and questioning why he let me be born into this world if this was his will for me and why he created me to be so stubborn and rebellious in the first place. I weep at the thought of how heartbroken my parents would be if they really knew how much I was suffering. I wonder if God's heart also breaks for me and if so why was this his will.

And times of peace will follow after times of bitterness, and I feel God comforting me. reminding me that he is with me. and the cycle continues over and over again. where with each wave that comes by I want to just drown and be done with it.

I wrote a poem in the prayer room that quite dark and angsty but captures the sentiment:

Tears crusted down my face
Thinking not yet once again
Beyond the bitterness
Into a state of numbness
Where nothing matters anymore

I rather have you destroy me
Than to leave me barely breathing
Pulling me under the water
Only to pull me out again
Just leave me under I beg

God please save me.
I can't take anymore.
Please have mercy on me
I don't want to cry anymore.

Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post. I didn't write this because I have it figured out and I'm going to end with this hopeful message of how everything is going to be okay and God is good.
I didn't share this as a cry for help. And for those reading this you can pray for me. I like prayers. I need prayer. but please don't feel the need to comment/text/call and check up on me. or say something to encourage me. oh please don't...

I wrote this to help me process and heal as I write. to be able to sit in the sorrow and acknowledge that this is something that I'm experiencing and it's nothing to hide or be ashamed of or feel as though I'm being over-dramatic about. and perhaps in the process provide some sort of encouragement to those reading and can relate in some way. to know that you are not alone. and to my future self who will look back on this post and hopefully say that this too shall pass.

I said I wasn't going to end with God is good but dammit that's what my fingers are writing.

God is good. Even when it hurts.

And those who have been hurt by him and say that, mean it. on some level there is more weight to the seemingly trite and overused statement "God is good" when you can still say that through all the pain. It's what the enemy cannot and will never understand. what he continues to fight in us to separate us from God, but cannot win. how though God allows the seemingly worst to happen, we can still say he is good.

He really must be good then..

God never ceases to amaze

About six years ago during my time studying abroad in Korea, when I was growing in my intimacy with God, I was prayed over by the members and leaders of New Philly church before I left to come back to the States.

Two of the symbols I remember that came up was an eagle and sunflower. Which also happened to be like my fav bird and my fav flower...how did they know...

Eagle the mascot of Yonsei university: where I studied abroad at and encountered God.
Eagle which also happened to be Biola's mascot: where I ended up going to grad school at.

Interesting interesting...

So now this sunflower...which I had of course forgotten all about..

It's no secret that I was not happy about matching to internship in Kansas. like what the hell is there to do in boring ass Kansas. I don't know anyone there. and I was so sad to leave my friends in California. so I was quite bitter for some time about it. literally to the point where I was even like I hope something really bad happens so I don't have to go.

The monday before I left for Kansas. I was having like this really deep prayer time with God. And I could feel his presence so strongly with me. I was telling him how much I didn't want to go and being raw with him and through the tears, these words came to my mind. I'm taking you there to save you. And the image of my sad little sunflower plant came to mind.

Now see I'm a very bad plant caretaker. Plant killah. Like the touch of death when it comes to plants. Even succulents and cacti die under my care. But I really like sunflowers, so I bought this grow your own sunflower thing. supposibly easy to grow. and I followed all the instructions to the best of my abilities. and little sprouts actually started springing up!

But over the weeks, the plant become very thin and frail. the leaves were brown. a very hopeless looking sunflower plant...

And as I was thinking about my sunflower plant. these words came to mind, you are like that plant. if you stay here you will not grow, but I am taking you to Kansas so you can become a stronger plant, so you can be healthy and I got this image of this fully grown sunflower plant, one that could not be easily destroyed.

These words and images were so clear, I knew that this was God's plan for me. And so my heart began to soften towards going to Kansas. As much as I didn't want to admit it. I knew I needed to go. I had been spiritually, emotionally, and physically sick for the past few months.

But just to make things extra clear. God sent me someone to confirm his plans. Later that same day, my roommate's friend brought over something for me. A fully grown sunflower plant in this potted pot.

And the crazier part was when she explained to me the meaning behind the plant. She proceeded to tell me that she felt strongly convicted by God to bring this sunflower plant to me to take to Kansas. The weak seedlings (my sunflower plant) was who I saw myself as: immature and weak. but in actuality, I'm going to very strong and mature, if not already, like the plant she brought me.

We may forget but God never forgets.

--

So far Kansas has not been bad. went to the healing room at prayer house and I haven't thrown up in the past 10 days (I had been throwing up nearly everyday for the past two months and had been diagnosed with gastritis). Things have been so low key, and I have no friends here. that I've been desperately spending a lot of time with God. growing in intimacy again.

and today!!! God gave me an amazing gift. psychologists I feel like are pretty jaded people. and over the years I feel like I've became more and more jaded to the point where I couldn't really feel excitement anymore. like it's pretty depressing when you're not impressed or shocked by anything..

I thought that Misty Edwards, my fav worship artist, was no longer at the international house of prayer (ihop) but today I just happened to go at the exact time she was there. 6-8pm. I had no idea she was gonna be there. so I was so pleasantly surprised.

6 years ago I was at the prayer room weeping as Misty Edwards sang and played like the most angelic stuff on the piano. and today I can't believe I was back in the prayer room weeping again for two hours straight as she brought us into worship. and in that I felt so loved by God. I experienced true joy and peace once again. And despite my original unwillingness to come to Kansas, I thanked him that he loved me enough to bring me here.

--

Shortly after I arrived to Kansas. One of my fellow interns at the counseling center was giving me a tour of the area and telling me about the state tree, the state bird, even the state amphibian lol...

Then I asked him. what's the state flower? 

Oh it's a sunflower! he replied. Kansas is the sunflower state. 

God never ceases to amaze.

little miss Rebekah as a Sunflower

 

The Single Life

A good article I found on the single life

https://misseves.wordpress.com/2014/02/14/the-single-life/

Prayer to pray:

Father God, I thank you that You are a God of order. With you there is a time for everything and a season for every activity. Forgive me for not fully embracing the season I’m in. I repent for trying to hurry through it or fantasize myself out of it. Every good gift comes for you, Father God. I choose to see being single as a gift. Help me to make the most of this season.

I ask you, Holy Spirit to wash me – body, soul, and spirit – from any trace of shame that’s taken root in my life because I am single. Your word says it’s a good thing. I choose to stop contradicting your Word. Cause my emotions and desires to come into alignment with the season You have me in. I ask for Your anointing so that, whatever the future holds, I can present myself with purity to You, Jesus.

 I step into everything You have for me right now. Forgive me for any times I’ve held back – discrediting myself because I’m single. You do not discredit me. You have specific assignments that I’m only able to complete in this state of singleness. I chose to open my eyes and my heart to see all You have for me.

Instead of looking for a spouse, I vow to look for You – Lord Jesus. I present myself to You today. Walk with me. Reveal Your heart so that I can love you better – and in turn be ready to love my spouse if that is where this journey leads me.

Regardless of the outcome, I declare Your love is enough. You are enough for me. You delight in me as I am. In this season, in this state of being single, You see me as complete. I am completely Yours. Thank you Jesus for the invitation to be wholly and completely Yours. I accept. Amen.

Unexpected grace

God it's almost time for my trip to Maryland to be over but I just want to say thanks.

In the past month, I've been crying almost everyday. Idk if it's just that I feel more emotions being a therapist or I'm depressed or all the changes or my health or combination of everything. 

In the past week I've felt pretty hopeless and worthless. And it broke my heart that I didn't want to live anymore. Because I feel as though as I get older, life just becomes more painful. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna end my life or anything...I just wouldn't mind dying peacefully now. because I feel as though there isn't much to look forward to. 

But one thing that always keeps me going is family and friends. And I'm grateful when you speak to others or touch the lives of my friends through me, especially in the most unexpected ways. I didn't expect you to allow me to be a part of your work but that's when I am the happiest at times and feel your grace. That you would allow me, in my ridiculousness, to do your work. Even in my bitterness. By simply being myself. 

In life I have been realizing. Idk if this right but this is what I've been learning in this beautiful and painful. broken but also purposeful thing called life. That what's truly important is to be free. to be vulnerable. to be genuine. and to love. 

I want to go back to being the woman you uniquely created me to be. To be happy with myself. And to genuinely love you and love others. That's all I want to focus on. 

And to heal. Because despite all the mess and pain in this life, I want to believe that your ability and heart to redeem is greater. 

Reflection Paper for my Integration Class

My last reflection paper I wrote for my integration class regarding integrative issues in my own training therapy.

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Integration Case Report 4- Personal therapy reflection

            Integrative issues in my personal therapy have been more salient than I imagined they would be when I began therapy during my second year at Rosemead. I particularly sought out a Rosemead graduate psychologist because I assumed that she would be Christian and it was important for me to have a Christian therapist so that I could discuss my faith in session comfortably.

 The issues and topics related to faith and my experience of my therapist as a Christian was different than I expected.  My therapist challenged me regarding my faith and at times I felt as though I had to defend myself. For example, I felt this sense that my therapist thought I was using religious defenses, much like I would consider some of my clients at Biola to be religiously defended. Or times I would say answers that appeared to sound too “Christianese” to her as she had this look on her face that she wasn’t buying it and would challenge my statements. In this way I felt guarded but it also made me wonder if I was actually being genuine about my faith and my beliefs; my therapist challenged how much I held onto beliefs that were taught in church and if it was something I genuinely wanted.

One of these examples was when I talked about my ex-boyfriend for about a year in therapy. The issue with my ex-boyfriend was that I thought that he was the love of my life, but I broke up with him and could not be with him because he is not a Christian. In church we learned as scripture says “do not be yoked with unbelievers” and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend was explicitly discouraged by my former church leaders and peers. I reluctantly ended the relationship prior to beginning therapy and felt a sense of regret since then. I also assumed that my therapist, being a Christian, would also not be supportive about my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who at the time I was debating if we should get back together. This conflict was causing me distress because of the moral tension and the uncertainty about my future with my ex-boyfriend as we were talking frequently at the time.

It was surprising to me that my therapist encouraged me to take the risk and tell my ex-boyfriend that I wanted to get back together with him. She seemed to not be fazed that he was not a Christian but instead seemed to be more focused on me pursing what I actually wanted. So I talked with my ex-boyfriend and it turned out that he was no longer interested in getting back together. It was painful but also freeing. I had spent the past three years, unable to get over him because I blamed everything on him not being a Christian (i.e., if only he were a Christian, we could be together, we are perfect in every other way), and I idealized him and our relationship. After being confronted that I could go after what I wanted, without being conflicted about his non-Christian status, and then have him be the one to not want to commit, I was finally able to move on from the relationship.

My discussions with my therapist regarding topics of faith allowed me to experience my faith with more freedom. It was in therapy that I was able to express at times my anger towards God and raw emotions that I have rarely experienced in the past. At one point I even mentioned that I feel like I don’t even know God at all, like what’s his favorite color? I think my therapist, who always appeared to value what is “real”, allowed me to desire a “real” or genuine relationship with God and reconsider what I actually believe and hold to be true. She didn’t give me the typical bible study or church answers but challenged me on what I believed and was not shocked when I brought in something raw or unconventional. I think from these experiences I learned that a part of integration is to be genuine with your emotions, values, and desires.               

Trust in the Process

Dear God,

As usual I start out my journal entries with: it's been awhile since I wrote to you. 

Right now I'm at Huntington Beach in California, and I wonder where I'll be in the future when I'm reading this again. 

A client once told me that even though she's not religious, she had a spiritual experience when she first came to the beach in California as she was in awe of the beauty of your creation. She said that in that moment she knew that there has to be a God. 

It's amazing how you created the land and the sea, the ocean breeze. 

These days I've been feeling pretty restless as I think about all the changes and transitions that will take place and all the work that needs to be done. And in the areas of finances and love, more so love, I find it difficult to trust you. I want to trust you God, but after every wave or the slightest sign of trouble, I cave. 

Practicing mindfulness right now.

Feeling the warmth of the sun, sand on my toes, breeze from the ocean.

Smelling the ocean air.

Hearing the sound of the waves.

Seeing the waves rolling in. 

and in this moment I have no cares or troubles

I feel at peace

just here, you and me. 

If you were to speak to me now

and I would open my heart to listen without fear.

What would I hear. 

"TRUST IN THE PROCESS.

I AM WITH YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY"

These days God I've been thinking about how in trusting you, I have to trust that you know me. that you not only know what's best for me, but that you know me. 

I've always hated when people say "God knows what's best for you" because often we relate to you the way we relate to our parents. 

My parents. I am grateful for them but at times I couldn't trust them because growing up they always tried to force what they thought was best for me onto me. and sometimes they were right, it actually ended up being the best for me, but in that I felt as though my desires were overlooked and that they didn't really know me or cared about what I wanted, which led to resentment or rebellion. 

But you God, you are not my parents. I have to trust - I want to trust - that you know me and know what I truly want. A part of me wants to say: give me the freedom, help me get what I want right now, and let me learn from my own mistakes. 

But I think it would be better instead to pray for discernment and wisdom. help me to discern what is best for me and be aligned with your will and actually have the wisdom to choose that for myself willingly. 

Love,

Rebekah

Your grace enough for me

These days I have been struggling with longings- the things I want but can't have- the unanswered areas and seemingly desolate places in my life, and it makes me question if God really is enough? If his grace is sufficient. Because there are times when it really doesn't feel that way. There are times when you don't care if this is the "best for you" or it'll make sense one day or this is part of his plan or "building character and patience" etc. etc. etc. you're just tired and in this place of dissatisfaction and hopelessness.

So I decided to worship. And write down the spontaneous song that came from that time of worship.

[Kind of like IHOP style songs where you can sing each stanza over and over again as many times as you want...]

Capo 3

C    G  D         Em

Do I only come in desperation

C    G  D        Em

Do I only seek you in pain

C    G      Em    D        C

Is it true that you are all that I need

     G      Em    D         C

Is it true that in you I find what I seek

C    G    D  Em              

Help me to see

C        G     Em    D

When it doesn’t feel that way to me

C       G  D    Em              

Lord have mercy on me

C           G       Em     D

Don’t know how much more of this I can take

 C       G  Em      D

Your grace enough for me

         C         G   Em       D
Sing it in faith your grace enough for me

     C   G   Em      D

Your grace is enough for me 

                  C        G   Em       D
Sing it in faith your grace enough for me

               

      C   G   Em      D

Your grace is enough for me 

        C        G   Em       D
Sing it in faith your grace enough for me

     C   G   Em      D

Your grace is enough for me 

         C        G   Em       D
Sing it in faith your grace enough for me

The decisions that once weighed so heavily

In retrospect seem insignificant

Yet the slightest of change

Can alter the destinies of many

Power and powerless in one

Seizing what we long for

Only to grasp the air

Learning to let go

Learning to trust

 Living day by day

Your wisdom infinite

Your grace abundant

We petition our requests to you 

Kansas

I had set my alarm for my normal time to wake up on Fridays, but woke up naturally at 5am anyways to check the match results.
---

Congratulations!  You have been matched to:

Training Site: University of Kansas

Program: Psychology Internship  

---
when I saw the email, I felt a peace. the funny thing is as I was spending time in God's presence, thinking about where I will match. the words "Kansas City" was so clear in my mind. I tried to brush it away, but throughout the week I would think about Kansas. And I remember one moment actually thinking the sentence "You're going to Kansas."

It's even funnier cause Kansas was not even in my top rankings. it was number 5. and also that site was the first interview that I had, which I thought did not go well because one I was jet lagged from traveling to Maryland. Didn't even have time to prepare for the interview because it was the day after my crazy semester ended. Didn't even know the name of the site that was calling for the phone interview, which is why I kept referring to them as "your site" like "oh yes, I'm interested in ....(uhhh, crap what was the name of this place?) um...your site because...."

THE WILL OF GOD IS STRONG. lol I trust this is the place I'm meant to be...

Last night as I was wrestling with God about internship. the song "all is for your glory" came to mind and I started singing the song. the whole day I had been feeling so numb to internship thoughts. my mind and body literally went into such a strong, protective denial that I almost fell asleep a couple times throughout the day and had no thoughts about internship whatsoever.

But as I was talking about with a friend, afterwards I sat in my car and sang that song. and for the first time that day, I felt. tears came to my eyes as I sang it and I felt the presence of God.

I remember the first time I heard that song in the prayer room of IHOP-Kansas city. Laura Hackett was singing that song angelically over us. The presence of God- thick. Causing me to weep.

All is for Your glory, all is for Your name,  all is for Your glory
That in all things You may have first place
That in all things You may have preeminence

So put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me
Ill serve anywhere, just let me see Your beauty

And as I sang this song. I repented because honestly God's glory is not my priority. I don't want him to put me anywhere. I want to stay here. I want to be comfortable. My love for God is lukewarm.

So I prayed that God would give the grace to endure whatever it takes to know him. I didn't pray to love him. but to know him. because I am confident that if I know him. if he really as is great as he seems to be. I can't help but love him. I will enjoy giving my all to him, if I truly love him. I would be willing to do anything for those I love.

And the next lyrics go

My God, My joy, My delight

I want to learn and experience what it means to delight in the LORD, to find joy in bringing him glory, to seeing his beauty, to serve him, to be with him. that in the process of uprooting my life and "putting me anywhere." moving to Kansas, there will be joy.

Kansas here I come!

Grateful.

I'm in a McDonalds parking lot
Sitting in my car
And I'm grateful
Grateful to you LORD
That I'm here
In this very place
You brought me not to harm me
But for me to prosper
And prosper I did
Though at times it came with tears
You brought me out of times of darkness
And into joy
But in the valley you were with me
And still now you are
Tomorrow I may find that I may have to go to a new place
Though my heart troubled at times
I am grateful
That I get to be troubled about this
I get to be in this process
And the end is near
So no matter what happens
I am grateful
That you are here with me
And have been all along
Grateful that you care for me
Grateful that you will not let me drown
Grateful that you will finish the good work you began in me
Grateful for your mercy, your grace, your love.

Internship thoughts

I was talking with my spiritual director today about what I've learned here during my time here at Rosemead and there's been so much but now that I'm in my fourth year (out of five) and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel I've been going back to the concepts of enjoying the present moment and trusting God.

These past couple of months consisted of the most difficult hurdles of the program. Comprehensive exams. Professional qualifying exams. Doctoral paper. Internship applications. Internship interview. and now waiting for match day when I get my internship results - determining where I will be for my final fifth year. I could stay here in SoCal. or have to move to Maryland, New York, Texas, Missouri, Kansas, or Utah.

so yeah...kinda life changing...

I have these moments where I'm like GOD FORBID WACO, TEXAS. and then imagining me reading this in the future from Waco, Texas laughing and crying hysterically. shivers*

so going back to enjoying the present moment. as I have been moving through the hurdles, I definitely feel a sense of relief overcoming each big thing. but after that big thing, there's always something else. and in some ways being done with each thing feels anti-climatic. like I thought I would be so happy after I finished everything. and I am of course. but not as happy as I thought I would be cause my mind and emotions jump to the next thing. even now I'm thinking it'll be great if I match, but as soon as I start internship, I'll have to start applying to post-doc or jobs afterwards. IT NEVER ENDS.

I also realized that I built up in my head that fourth year would be so crazy difficult that I would be miserable and have to endure the suffering, but as I accepted the pain and the amount of work that had to be done, I was also able to still find joy in life.

doing therapy at skid row definitely helped. like yeah I don't want to invalidate my struggles. but at the same time, after being with my clients, I was just happy that I had a bed and other basic resources. family. friends. a future. hope. managed to not have a severely traumatizing past... that gratitude and the realization of God's grace carried me through these past few months that were supposed to feel like hell.

As I am waiting for match day Feb 17th. oh WAITING. everyone's favorite thing to do right? as I am waiting and wrestling and praying with God. I told my spiritual director that I have expressed my desires to God but I have come to a place where I trust him and am open to wherever he takes me. a process that came with a lot of tears. like just 10 minutes ago I was crying. but in that I felt the tangible presence of God.

I think for me the hardest part is not the uncertainty or not matching (in that case I will go to Phase II and if I don't match in Phase II then I'll have to wait until the fall to apply again) but having to leave and move to a new place and start all over again.

so I tell God, that I will be so sad if I have to leave California. initially it was hard because I missed my family and friends in Maryland. but as I have made really good friends here, especially with my small group at church, I will be so heartbroken if I have to say goodbye.

I really hate saying goodbye to people (I like)....the worst.....

If I go back to Maryland it'll be hard but okay cause at least I have my family and some old friends there. but if I have to move to a new place and especially a place with NO H-MART in the vicinity. that'll be extra hard.

I'm getting older and less fond of change. LOL sound so old...but it's true. the thought of having to start over again is painful. remembering how difficult it was to adjust to California and then now that I'm happy here the very high possibility that I will have to move again and start over is like safjsalkfjalkjfsalfjslkfjsalfj.

this is when I have to remember God's faithfulness time and time again. that whatever happens it will be okay because he is good and he cares for me. and most importantly he is with me. through the good and bad. through the constant and the changes. wherever I go he is with me.

I think about the people in the Bible and the fact that many of them were frequently on the move. for whatever reasons God had them moving. to go to a better place? to stay dependent on him? to preach the good news?

honestly I just want a comfortable, simple life. my dream is very simple. to have my own place and two pugs. and a few good friends. maybe throw in a spouse. but that's all I want. or all I think I want.

living with an eternal perspective and for the kingdom of God though. I highly doubt that that's how my life will look. i don't know perhaps God loves me and those who around me or will connect with one day too much to let me live that simple life.

so it comes back down to trust. expressing my desires. knowing that he knows what's going on internally. knowing that he has compassion for me. but trusting that ultimately his wisdom is greater. my desires and wishes fluctuate and change frequently. my desire to stay in California is a drastic change from my desire to move back to Maryland only a year ago. who knows maybe I will end up liking a place like Waco, Texas. HAHAHAHAHAHA oh please no....

and so thinking about all this I was lying in my bed and I just sang the chorus to 10 thousand reasons. Bless the Lord oh my soul, ooooOoooh my soul, worship his holy name, sing like never before, oh my soul, and worship his holy name.

and in that I felt God's presence. and his peace. and even now as I am writing tears are coming to my eyes. and I don't know how I'll feel on Feb 17th - I'm sure a mix of emotions. but my prayer is that wherever I go, there will be joy waiting for me. And in the waiting, there will be joy.