12/25/15
Dear God,
Merry Christmas! These days I feel like if I journal I won't read it because right now I'm too lazy and unmotivated to do anything. But maybe one day when I'm older and wiser, I will and have a good chuckle.
I think I'm having somewhat of an identity crisis again after coming to Rosemead. my sense of belonging is zip and I'm not motivated to keep up with relationships, though a part of me also wants to. I wish hanging out with friends came more naturally like it did in college, but I guess now I need to be more intentional or accept that there are certain people for certain seasons of my life and the rest I guess I'll just like/heart their posts on social media.
These days I miss my friend ___ a lot. We were kind of tight this year. Strange how that's the case. I guess some people are meant to stay in your life even when it seems as though they shouldn't. We don't live in the same area. We don't plan on meeting up. I don't really keep in consistent contact with anyone else from ____, but I wonder why we did.
I've been thinking about destiny. and I really like this concept of fate or destiny. It suits my personality. being more go with the flow and less of a planner. I don't know if it's something that I want to believe or something that is actually true. but nonetheless. perhaps this concept of destiny comforts me.
I don't like to think deeply about things because it takes too much brain work. Sometimes I come across as aloof, but I'm actually very much aware of what's happening around me and I tend to think deeply about things. people are fascinating. perhaps that's why I seek to understand people. but the more I seek, the less I seem to know. and the more I do, the less I actually want to be around people.
So perhaps it's better that I don't know. I'm not sure how far I want to go in this field of psychology. how much I want to know about pathology. but I hope that you protect my heart and keep it soft. we all start with good intentions. but we often forget why we even started in the first place. humans are forgetful like that. I hope that as much as I hate getting humbled. that I stay humble. and seek you for wisdom in all this craziness we call life.
In the midst of all these experiences, I always takeaway golden nuggets of truth. From my experience at Rosemead. I guess in a roundabout way, I've learned to experience emotions. to not bury or avoid them. but to feel the good and bad. to sit with disappointments, pain, heartache, sadness, and sufferings.
I hope that through all this God, we can together, with the people around me, truly embody integration of the study of the human soul here and of your eternal plan for us. your kingdom and the world you loved so much. to be real and loving in all this. as frustrating as it is for me. to remember love.
God. Father. Godfather. lol. but anyways. Father forgive me. for I have sinned against you in many ways. but for the past years specifically, I have been passive and apathetic. knowing what is right but unable to live it out. loving what is bad and ignoring what is good. my love at times cold.
But I trust that you will finish the good work you began in me. all I have to do is stay close to you. I remember, years ago, writing similar things in my journal and you brought me out of that place. but also knowing now that the wilderness is an integral part of my story as well. we live and we learn. and through and by your son Jesus there is grace and truth. I could have been born before this time, but perhaps it was your love for me and my destiny to be born after Jesus's time on earth. Because had I been born in the OT (old testament), I probably would have been smitten by now. but I wasn't born then, I was born now.
So going back to this concept of destiny. During ___, I tried to avoid _____. thinking that if I avoid him, then it'll save me from heartbreak. but perhaps I was destined to like him, and get to know him, and get my heart broken. perhaps that was not something to have been avoided. because three years later, it has happened. I couldn't escape.
I guess now, I have to deal with it. no judgment to myself and my foolish ways and breaking my "rules to prevent heartbreak." experience the longing and the rejection and the disappointment. and in the midst of it all, still have hope in you God for redemption and restoration. and trust in you with all my heart that the story you planned for me. that my destiny does not end in heartbreak and disappointments.
but that you will fulfill the desires of my heart. and that the desires of my heart will be pleasing to you.
Love,
Rebekah